My crime -triggers-

My crime -triggers-
X

x-fred

New Registrant
I've never told anyone what really happened when I was about 7 and again when I was 11 and I don't think I ever could, but three months before my twelfth birthday it ended...

I'm only eleven...
I woke up at Fred's Dad's house near dawn after a night with his "friends", I woke up with nothing on, in a bed, I wasn't alone.

I'm only eleven...
I just wanted to be somewhere else, I got out of bed and wandered the upstairs, it was freezing, in another room I found my pants and shoes, I don't remember putting them on but I must have.

I'm only eleven...
I'm downstairs and I can see some embers in the fireplace, I go over to get warm.

I'm only eleven...
I put a log from the wood pile on the embers, I'm freezing.

I'm only eleven...
There's a cough or snore or something behind me, I turn and see someone sleeping on the couch, I just stare at the form under the blanket.

I'm only eleven...
There's Polaroids on the coffee table, I know what they are.

I'm only eleven...
I start screaming - crying - running... But I'm completely silent, no tears are coming out, I'm just standing there staring at the pictures scattered on the table.

I'm only eleven...
I realize I'm getting erect.

I'm only eleven...
There's no thought, I just start taking my pants off, they won't come off all the way, I have my shoes on, I start to untie them.

I'm only eleven...
The person on the couch moves, he's still asleep, I see his face, I don't know it.

I'm only eleven...
I want to be somewhere else.

I'm only eleven...
I pull my pants back up, I take the log back out of the fireplace and put it back on the wood pile.

I'm only eleven...
I'm walking home, it's just starting to become light, I'm freezing.

I'm only eleven...
My mom wakes me up, she's leaving for her weekend job, she asks when I came home and why I came home, she asks if Fred and I had a fight (there is no Fred, there never was, but there was a Fred's dad), I think I say yes, she says something, she leaves.

I'm only eleven...
I wake up around noon, my left hand is in agony, it's blistered, I hide it.

I'm only eleven...
Monday at school everyone is talking about the big house fire over on the street by the mall, four people died in the fire.

I was only eleven
 
x-fred,

Your memories sound painful. The ones that you are aware of. It must have been absolutely horrible to go through what you did. That explains why there is so much you can't remember. It's important that you take your time and open up slowly. It's OK, you can keep writing us here if you want. Were willing to listen.

Jason
 
they got what they deserved ,just wish god always worked that quick
 
I think you need to talk more about this, it sounds like total fragmented memories,

take care,

ste
 
x-fred,

I can't imagine the pain and confusion you must be feeling. What a terible burden to have to carry around for so long. It must feel like a huge relief to be able to finally talk about this. I encourage you you to seek out some professional help to assist you in making some sense out of all this.

I'm glad that you are here and were able to share this with us.
 
xfred,
Thank you for sharing what must be an incredibly difficult story to tell. You are a survivor and you did what you needed to do. You were a strong eleven year old. Do not be ashamed.
Welcome. Glad you posted. Post again soon.
Paul
 
Friend,

First, let me say how sorry I am you had to endure that humiliation as a child. How on earth to people that do that to kids live with themselves?

I'd agree with Mr. Moderator up there where he says some professional help may be in order. You certainly need to be able to let it all out to someone who can guide you through the complexities of the self-blame vs. refusal to take blame for what others did to you.

Keep talking, My Friend. It's the key to winning the battle.

Lots of love,

John
 
How are you x-fred.

Much love
Jason
 
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