My Child Abuse
I am writing primarily because I have never been able to trust another male with my story. Due to the circumstances of my abuse, I have always remained silent and chosen not to bring attention to my past, hoping I would be able to overcome the thoughts and feelings which haunt me to this day just by moving forward and working toward a future. I now recognize I have a long road ahead of me to reach any sense of healing. Sharing with another male friend that I had been abused by an older male cousin from the age of 8 until I turned 13 was not an option becuase it made me feel like less of a man. The abuse caused me to feel disconnected and the whole ideal of a young boy growing up to be a masculine, strong, father and husband was crushed on the day of my first Communion. I could not interact with other boys as I feared I would be viewed as weird, homosexual, and even weak. I tended not to disclose any personal information, remove myself from situations where strong friendships were forming, and shy away from playing sports becuase I saw myself as less than everyone was. Not a real boy who deserved happiness, but a frightened, abused, burden of secrets. I missed out on my childhood because I was afraid to live.
Specifically, my abuser was from my mother's side of the family. Her sister had spawned both him and his brother 8 years apart. The predator was four years older than me. To say that the household he resided in was dysfunctional is an understatement. He lived with his grandmother who owned 30-35 cats, his violent mother, his diseased brother from another father, and his uncle who liked to "sleepwalk" naked throughout the house at different times. I will not provide any details or triggers at this precise time but I suffered for 5 years. Quiet, depressed, lonely, suicidal. Waiting for something to give, my spirit to break. The breaking point for me was during an episode of Oprah, she invited HIV/Aids patients on to her show to share their story. At the age of 13, and convinced that I was infected, I asked my aunt (from my father's side) to help me schedule an examination. The results came back negative, which I am so very grateful for, but asking for the exam came with the price of having to tell my immediate family what was going on. My father's solution was to make my abuser not exist. The final solution involved me going to court to testify against my cousin at the age of 13. While my other friends were worried about getting into high school, I was worried about having to face my abuser in the court of law- not an easy task for me to go through. My family split. There were some members who believed that I was lying and just seeked attention. The shy, quiet kid needed attention was what they felt. My mother's father and mother, and some odd of her brothers and sisters rejected me and said very hurtful things. I lost not only my innocence but any sense of support that a family provides. When push came to shove, he plead guilty and served time. He is now out of prison, his location is unknown to me.
The abuse has affected me tremendously. I cannot sleep alone in the dark (which is not fun explaining to my girlfriend), I have experienced anxiety attacks, awoken sweaty, screaming, and scared, and even have backed away from public speaking presentations due to loss of normal breathing, sweaty palms, and heavy anxiety. I have recently enlisted the help of a social worker who works with male abuse victims. I am trying to envision a better day, it is very hard sometimes. I hope by sharing some of my story with you, I will come to terms with what happened, and maybe even help others.
Specifically, my abuser was from my mother's side of the family. Her sister had spawned both him and his brother 8 years apart. The predator was four years older than me. To say that the household he resided in was dysfunctional is an understatement. He lived with his grandmother who owned 30-35 cats, his violent mother, his diseased brother from another father, and his uncle who liked to "sleepwalk" naked throughout the house at different times. I will not provide any details or triggers at this precise time but I suffered for 5 years. Quiet, depressed, lonely, suicidal. Waiting for something to give, my spirit to break. The breaking point for me was during an episode of Oprah, she invited HIV/Aids patients on to her show to share their story. At the age of 13, and convinced that I was infected, I asked my aunt (from my father's side) to help me schedule an examination. The results came back negative, which I am so very grateful for, but asking for the exam came with the price of having to tell my immediate family what was going on. My father's solution was to make my abuser not exist. The final solution involved me going to court to testify against my cousin at the age of 13. While my other friends were worried about getting into high school, I was worried about having to face my abuser in the court of law- not an easy task for me to go through. My family split. There were some members who believed that I was lying and just seeked attention. The shy, quiet kid needed attention was what they felt. My mother's father and mother, and some odd of her brothers and sisters rejected me and said very hurtful things. I lost not only my innocence but any sense of support that a family provides. When push came to shove, he plead guilty and served time. He is now out of prison, his location is unknown to me.
The abuse has affected me tremendously. I cannot sleep alone in the dark (which is not fun explaining to my girlfriend), I have experienced anxiety attacks, awoken sweaty, screaming, and scared, and even have backed away from public speaking presentations due to loss of normal breathing, sweaty palms, and heavy anxiety. I have recently enlisted the help of a social worker who works with male abuse victims. I am trying to envision a better day, it is very hard sometimes. I hope by sharing some of my story with you, I will come to terms with what happened, and maybe even help others.
