My brother

[Trev]

One of my big regrets is that my brother and his friends and the acts committed against me at 9 and 10 at their hands affected me and my brothers relationship. Each act seemed to put a brick in a wall between us. The truth is I wish things were better with my brother now. I wish he could forgive himself and find a way to be a big brother to me again. Now that I have 3 sons who have an incredible bond he is missing out on being their uncle, I understand many of his friends instigated this and he went along with it. I sometimes watch my own sons and wish we had a closer relationship As brothers.

 

[Garr3ttw]

I’ve wanted a normal relationship with my brother to but it’s him that prevents it. He won’t talk about our past. It’s just an awkward silence anytime the subject comes up. He’s married w/kids and I think he feels like I’m going to screw up his life..but I would never do that. I’ve accepted it. I wish he would to.

 

[MSUser2024]

I tend to give a lot of grace towards my brother. I don’t/didn’t hate him, but another story. I wish I could’ve talked to him and made some sort of peace with it. Guilt and shame be dammed. I didn’t then but I do know now that he had experimented with a cousin his age but that doesn’t give him a pass but whatever, it works in my brain. But I also have 2 younger brothers that barely know me. I would change these things if I could. Guilt and shame caught up to Danial in 2003 alone in a motel in San Antonio he killed himself. Peace and mojo’s Billy

 

[Trev]

I’ve wanted a normal relationship with my brother to but it’s him that prevents it. He won’t talk about our past. It’s just an awkward silence anytime the subject comes up. He’s married w/kids and I think he feels like I’m going to screw up his life..but I would never do that. I’ve accepted it. I wish he would to..

I can relate I do hope our brothers seek out some form of healing and that we could be included in that process along with maybe some reconciliation

 

[Trev]

I tend to give a lot of grace towards my brother. I don’t/didn’t hate him, but another story. I wish I could’ve talked to him and made some sort of peace with it. Guilt and shame be dammed. I didn’t then but I do know now that he had experimented with a cousin his age but that doesn’t give him a pass but whatever, it works in my brain. But I also have 2 younger brothers that barely know me. I would change these things if I could. Guilt and shame caught up to Danial in 2003 alone in a motel in San Antonio he killed himself. Peace and mojo’s Billy

Thanks Billy I’d like to think. i have a lot of grace to give my brother I’m at least going to try to communicate that I’m taking steps to heal and let him know.

 

[Jack1]

Sixteen years ago I received a phone call from my nephew who was living in Europe. He told me my brother was in bad shape and needed help since his wife had just left him. I flew out west and found him in extremely bad shape, obviously not far from death with liver failure from alcoholism. Over the years I had taken him in when he was homeless and now I made arrangements for him to get into hospice. I returned home and he died about a week later. My memory of him is now divided between the view of him continually dominating me sexually when I was a preteen and his sad condition the last time I saw him.

I knew for years we had been sexually involved but rarely remembered any details of it. Then after his passing the memories started flooding back, overwhelming me with what we had done. I also was horrified when I began to recall what our father had done to us. It took a lot of work and I'm getting past that now but I sometimes wonder why if we were both victims of CSA, why he ended up a raging alcoholic and I led a successful life. Was it because I was so submissive to him and he constantly dominated me sexually? We were both abused by a number of my father's "friends". Did things happen to him that I wasn't aware of. Did I bury the memories deeper than he could? Was it just the luck of the draw or was God looking over my shoulder?

I guess I will never know why his life was such a disaster compared to mine. I do try to remember him, not as he was in his last days, but when he was the older brother I looked up to, and yes, the brother I lusted after and was submissive to sexually. I cannot change what happened but I can accept it and move on.

 

[JamesCanada1967]

One of my big regrets is that my brother and his friends and the acts committed against me at 9 and 10 at their hands affected me and my brothers relationship. Each act seemed to put a brick in a wall between us. The truth is I wish things were better with my brother now. I wish he could forgive himself and find a way to be a big brother to me again. Now that I have 3 sons who have an incredible bond he is missing out on being their uncle, I understand many of his friends instigated this and he went along with it. I sometimes watch my own sons and wish we had a closer relationship As brothers.

Sorry to hear that your relationship with your brother isn’t the best, I grew up with 2 brothers and had a really close relationship with them and couldn’t imagine it any other way. Im sure maybe it would be different if one of them had been one of my abusers. I also have 4 sons and they have always been really close with each other as well. Hopefully one day your relationship with your brother will be what you hope and your sons will be able to get to know their uncle. Take care

 

[Pheonix1994]

I wish I could have a normal relationship with my brothers but I know I can't. My older brother was mean and only taught about himself. I needed his help to stop my abuse from my two uncles but he wouldn't. I needed his help to prevent my uncles from abusing my little brother and my sister but had none. I had to do it. I took all the abuse to keep my little brother and sister safe. I have not spoken with them in a long time I cut all ties with them. I sometimes think it's me that is preventing a reconciliation. I just can't seem to forgive them and if they actually know all I went through for them. My parents were no help either because they knew about the abuse and did nothing. So I was the one who had to step in and take care of my siblings.
@Trev and @Garr3ttw
I hope that one day you and your brothers will be able to work things out
Wishing y'all peace and take care.

 

[YouCantHurtMeAnymore]

My oldest brother is a certified psychopath and we will all be better off if he dies in prison. The next brother in line OD'd the day my kids were born. The youngest of them is a schizophrenic street person. He's threatened to kill me several times. Not much chance of any kind of relationship with any of them.

For decades I craved their love and approval, even after I remembered the cruelty of their collective abuse. I consider it progress that I no longer miss their presence in my life. I do, however, let the kid inside me grieve for what was taken from him, including the chance to have brothers in more than name.

For the OP, I understand what you long for and hope you find peace, no matter the outcome. You deserve it.

 

[Bluedogone]

I had no brothers. My cousin who was a couple of years older and much larger than me was almost closer than a brother. He taught me so much about sports, dealing with bullys and sex. He became an abuser when I realized what we were doing was wrong, and he had other ideas.

Our fathers were brothers so we were sort of forced to be together at both their funerals. By then, it was too late for any kind of reconciliation. The elephant in the room was too ominous. My heart goes out to you guys who actually have brothers with so much more emotional connection than I had, and hope by some miraculous reconciliation that bond can be restored, or at least bring a sense of peace.

 

[smc1972]

My brother never did anything to me though we drifted apart as we grew up. He was quick to move out of the house after high school. Looking back over the last few years made me realize he did things to stay away from my grandfather. He was big in to sports and stuff so once i was in 4th grade i was pretty much on my own there after school and summer. I think he knows and may have been abused some before i came along. I can only speak for myself but my coming to realize my family relations are coming to an end and it hurts and really upsets me. I missed out on being an uncle to my bothers 3 sons which I regret.

It is sad and I hope you and your brother are able to reconnect and your sons get to know their uncle more. You are and boys are young so there is time. But you have to know it will also take him to come to the table.

 

[Buster65]

Hey @Trev , I hear what you are saying about wish things were better between you and your brother. I feel the same way about my brother who abused me and then I continued to have a sexual relationship with him until I couldn't do it anymore. He has struggled with drug and alcohol and a bunch of suicide attempts. There was so much neglect and verbal abuse in my house. We all grew up with issues. Ive gotten therapy through the years to deal with my stuff and continue to work on myself. I wish I could say the same about my siblings. Our interaction are limited for my own sanity. Be well!

 

[Trev]

Hey @Trev , I hear what you are saying about wish things were better between you and your brother. I feel the same way about my brother who abused me and then I continued to have a sexual relationship with him until I couldn't do it anymore. He has struggled with drug and alcohol and a bunch of suicide attempts. There was so much neglect and verbal abuse in my house. We all grew up with issues. Ive gotten therapy through the years to deal with my stuff and continue to work on myself. I wish I could say the same about my siblings. Our interaction are limited for my own sanity. Be well!

thanks for the reply Buster I’m sorry you to have to keep a distance I am grateful that my sons relationship as brothers are close.

 

[GaD3!]

thanks for the reply Buster I’m sorry you to have to keep a distance I am grateful that my sons relationship as brothers are close.

You are good and loving father to your sons and as such are encouraging that closeness. Take care.

 

[Blessedcurse]

When I read this I can somewhat relate to your brothers reluctance. I was the big brother and though I did not commit sexual or physical abuse I came to realise as an adult that my behaviour might have been really harmful to my younger brothers. It still pains me to think about my failures as a big brother, going back and forth between being kind and being angry, protecting them but then bullying them. I was well into my twenties before I realised that my behaviour was harmful bullying and emotionally abusive, and that the "weakness" in them was valid feelings and needs in children. They did not need to "toughen up".

We have no contact for other reasons and I think it is for the best, there is not really any realtionship that can be saved. I miss having brothers, I miss that bond but I don't miss them as persons. But for you and your brother I sincerely hope you can find that connection again and that he can process his own guilt and responsibility in this.

There is something healing for me in reading your words about your brother. Now as an adult you look back at both of you as the boys you were, and you have this empathy and forgiveness. It touches on the big brother wound in me, my failures as a big brother, the wounds of not having had the strength and empathy back then in that situation to care for and protect my brothers the way i wish I would have. I was a kid too. But I was a bigger kid. It is a difficult feeling.

 

[Trev]

When I read this I can somewhat relate to your brothers reluctance. I was the big brother and though I did not commit sexual or physical abuse I came to realise as an adult that my behaviour might have been really harmful to my younger brothers. It still pains me to think about my failures as a big brother, going back and forth between being kind and being angry, protecting them but then bullying them. I was well into my twenties before I realised that my behaviour was harmful bullying and emotionally abusive, and that the "weakness" in them was valid feelings and needs in children. They did not need to "toughen up".

We have no contact for other reasons and I think it is for the best, there is not really any realtionship that can be saved. I miss having brothers, I miss that bond but I don't miss them as persons. But for you and your brother I sincerely hope you can find that connection again and that he can process his own guilt and responsibility in this.

There is something healing for me in reading your words about your brother. Now as an adult you look back at both of you as the boys you were, and you have this empathy and forgiveness. It touches on the big brother wound in me, my failures as a big brother, the wounds of not having had the strength and empathy back then in that situation to care for and protect my brothers the way i wish I would have. I was a kid too. But I was a bigger kid. It is a difficult feeling.

Thank you for your words they brought tears to my eyes and made me consider things from his perspective even more than I have before. When it boils down to it I miss my big brother, his friends were more of the instigators and who knows what they did to him before they started doing stuff with me.

I sincerely hope you know that as a little brother who has asked the should have questions of his big brother your words are making me think about who should have been there for him and was not.

I hope you have relationships with guys that are like brothers to you if you can’t have your big bro back in this life.

Thanks for your kindness
Trev

 

[Blessedcurse]

Thank you for your words they brought tears to my eyes and made me consider things from his perspective even more than I have before. When it boils down to it I miss my big brother, his friends were more of the instigators and who knows what they did to him before they started doing stuff with me.

I sincerely hope you know that as a little brother who has asked the should have questions of his big brother your words are making me think about who should have been there for him and was not.

I hope you have relationships with guys that are like brothers to you if you can’t have your big bro back in this life.

Thanks for your kindness
Trev

Thank you for your words, they brought me to tears too. I hope you get to reconcile. Brothers are a special kind of relationship. I will try to build those bonds when I can.

 

[smc1972]

Family is a very unique and challenging thing when the abuse is from within the family. I am drifting further and further away from them start in my early 20’s. It still hurts as that is now how it is supposed to be with family. My brother did nothing to me but there are things between us. I have cried a lot over realizing I never had and never will have that family where you come home for the holidays and there are true honest hugs and smiles.

Your are a great Dad and your wear dealt a very hard hand but you are surviving it all and are there for your sons. One thing you have is prespective of how brothers should be there for each other. Yeah there will be the spats and stuff but it is all art of learning life and how to handle things. You can help them learn it the healthy way.

 

[TreeFeller]

I’ve wanted a normal relationship with my brother to but it’s him that prevents it. He won’t talk about our past. It’s just an awkward silence anytime the subject comes up. He’s married w/kids and I think he feels like I’m going to screw up his life..but I would never do that. I’ve accepted it. I wish he would to.

sorry to hear that. My brother and I were very close

 

[Garr3ttw]

It's good that you are...I miss that