my boyfriend is a survivor

my boyfriend is a survivor
J

JKay

Registrant
I found out a few months after we were dating that C was sexually abused as a child. He didnt really deal with it directly and since then almost a year has past. We are very much in love and recently the topic has come up again. I know that C trusts me very much and that I am here to listen and comfort him and offer support. Last night he opened up more that ever before. He told me how he has been dealing with intense guilt for 28 years and needs to overcome it. He has been careless with other people and emotions in the past and has was once confused about his sexuality. Of course it is not easy for me to hear because all i want is to erase it all, but that is naive and impossible. i just want to be able to help him and i am not sure i know the best ways. I brought up support groups like this one, as well as professional help... which he went though a lot as a child and is skeptical. I purchased a book months ago and never found the right time to give it to him. It was recommened on this board. What would be the best way to do so? maybe just leave it in his room so he knows that i am not forcing it on him and dont need to openly discuss it if he doesnt want to. anyway... i just need some advice. I believe that C is it for me. I can see us together forever and I know this part of his life will always be there...
 
JKay,

It's a good sign that he opened up to you last night; there's not really much prospect for recovery if a survivor won't or can't admit that he needs help and can't just "get over it".

If the book was either Mic Hunter's or Mike Lew's I would say it's the best thing he could read.

Perhaps something symbolic would help him. At a peaceful moment show him that you have the book. Tell him it's a highly recommended book and has helped a lot of guys. Tell him also that asking for help doesn't mean he's a mess; it means the sexual abuse of a child is a terrible crime. Then put the book in a drawer and tell him that his recovery is entirely up to him. All he has to do is reach out for it. It's not in a book, though that will help him, and you can't do it for him, though you love him very much and will help.

You are not pressuring him, but you hope he will open the drawer when he is ready. It will be the first of many times he will have to reach out for help and accept it.

Much love,
Larry
 
JKay,

Your post is short and to the point, yet I can feel that you are very caring. It's great that your b/f trusts you; that's so critical and helpful for both of you. Its also great that he sees hes been careless with other people and emotions in the past That admission says to me that he doesnt want to do that with you.

You say he went through alot of counseling when he was younger. Was it because of the s/a? If it was, Id guess that a counselor trained to deal with the child is not exactly the same counselor trained to deal with the man. Maybe hes remembering what happened then and just cant relate that to what he needs now. This is really just a guess on my part since I dont know if child/adolescent/adult counselors for s/a survivors all operate from the same place.

I agree with Larry on the books he references. I have both of them. Ive told my b/f that I have them, but I havent suggested he read them - yet. I just recently got my own copy of Mike Lews Victims no Longer and Im working toward bringing it over to his house. I know hell read it when Im not around, but Im not really sure of his reaction when he sees it. Its a difficult position for me. I think well talk about it a little more before I do. The last thing I want to do is spook him. Only you know how your b/f would react to leaving it around without talking about it a little bit first.

Keep letting your b/f know that you are there for him to talk or not and you love him, regardless of his revelations. My b/f always tells me to just be myself - thats who he was attracted to in the first place and the person he felt he could open up to. Its hard to be that carefree person who knew nothing, but unless the situation calls for something different, thats what I try to do.

ROCK ON..........Trish
 
Thanks Larry and Trish. Your advice is much appreciated. I am glad I ahve a place like this to go where others can understand and help. Thanks again,

take care, Jaclyn
 
Jkay,

Try just leaving the book lying around at your place. Over time he just might pick it up or ask you about it.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
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