My body is a prison

[Maynard]

My body is a prison and I have hated it for years. It is not that I don't like the way I look or dislike any physical characteristics, it is that I just hate living in it. I hate feeling my body and can never find relaxation. The only time I feel somewhat relaxed is when I meditate. My mind is constantly chattering from when I wake up until I fall asleep with no one to listen to it but me. I feel as if it is a defense mechanism so that my attention does not go to feeling my body, and of course within your body is where you feel emotions. I find myself not breathing from time to time having know idea when I stopped, but realizing I need to breath in to get some air. My body is a prison and I hate living in it. I believe that this is probably somewhat normal with survivors of SA or other trauma, but I do not know for sure. How do I become comfortable in my own body, especially downstairs? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[reality2k4]

Maynard, I think you are referring to body memory.

I have read some good articles on it, and it makes sense.

It said something like, when trauma happens in childhood, then the mind cannot conceivably store all of the emotions that they go through, so it is stored in parts of the body.

It can also lead to memory loss of past events, as they cannot be recalled from the body, or released. It makes a lot of sense to me, but people are working in different projects, like art and dance therapy, and body touching, or massage.

The mind chattering or how you call it, annoys me too, its never far away from my mind 24/7.
Meditation can really help, but the underlying part is still there.

hope it helps,

ste

 

[Maynard]

Thank you for the Replies sophiesdad and Reality2k4. I think that you guys are probably both right, as pertains to me, with some of your answers. SD I do not believe I have much of a negative body image, but at the same time I don't like to look at myself in the mirror because of my inner self image. It is as if who I feel myself to be on the inside and who I see in the mirror are different people. It is not that I dislike what I look like, I dislike who I am underneath the skin. I think R2k4 might be closer to what I am talking about with body memory. It is as if my body does have its own memory that is somewhat separate from my mind. I mean if I think of hot peppers I will salivate as reflex, but at the same time I can remember all the times I ate peppers. When I am aware of certain parts of my body, not necassarily conciously, I will reflexively become stressed out and in some cases quit breathing. As to why no specific memories are there. Anyways thanks for the replies.