My Body Betrayed Me

[zookeeper]

I laid in the bed silent. In those moments I would pray that you would think that I was asleep, take pity and leave me alone. But mercy never came, not once.

Your presence loomed over my beside those nights. I remember hands that reached and opened and took. Hands that covered my mouth and refused to let me breath. I hated your hands. I hated what they did to me. I hated how they made me feel.

I hated the weight of your body on my own, pinning me down, crushing my lungs, crushing my mind, crushing my spirit.

My mind left as I traveled into the wall. Walls don't hurt. Walls don't cry. Walls don't bleed. Behind your hand I stopped crying out, there was no one who wanted to hear me.

My voice now silent. My body responding with a yes when my heart and soul were screaming no. My body betrayed me. So did you.

 

[Nothing Man]

The mere presence of a physical response does not indicate we welcomed the abuse, sanctioned it or even asked for it. Our bodies respond naturally to different forms of touch, whether bidden or not. The fault always remains that of the perpetrator. The victim is never at fault.

The key difference underlying this assertion is consent. Our bodies responding to touch does not mean consent was granted.

Children cannot consent. They can only comply.

 

[zookeeper]

Thank you my friend. My head knows what say is right. My heart has yet to catch up.
But I'm trying.
Be Blessed
Zookeeper-Brian

 

[Bluedogone]

zookeeper,
Your whole post of painful memories is sad to read, but especially

[quote:zookeeper]Behind your hand I stopped crying out, there was no one who wanted to hear me.[/quote]

But no more. Now, there are those who hear you loud and clear. And want to hear you as you reach out for validation and understanding.

True, your body betrayed you with a natural physical response regardless of how many times you were screaming no; but that betrayal doesn't remotely compare to the betrayal of one who should be nurturing, loving instead of abusing.

They should be carrying that guilt and those memories of betrayal, not you.

 

[WG]

I, too remember the hands. My heart is beating a bit harder as I type this - remembering.....over my mouth, pulling my hair in a fist. Crushing the life out of me almost. The other piece I recall is the smell. Breath on my neck.
It's called a somatic response. It comes from the Greek word for body - 'soma'. The body remembers what our brains don't.
I, too, stopped crying out. Stopped crying altogether, really. Until 2 years ago when I began with the Therapist I still see. I learned how to cry again. Really cry for the first time - almost 50 years later (I'm 62).
Very true, Bluedogone - others hear us now. Loud an clear. If they didn't hear it the first time, we don't mind repeating it. Again and again. Hear our story - because we have a voice, too.

 

[manipulated]

Powerful post and responses here. I was helped immensely when, at my first Weekend of Recovery a survivor was sharing the guilt and shame attached to the perps' words: "See how hard you get? You really enjoy this." when the female therapist blurted out: What a lie! You are wired to respond to touch and sight! That wasn't you that was your wiring and HE was short circuiting it. Reality, I always "knew" but never believed hit home that day.

The body didn't really betray either: It responded as wired; The PERP gets ALL the guilt and all the shame for shorting out the circuits. For putting higher voltage than they were yet prepared for to them. It always comes back to the guilt and yes the shame. I am still trying to always remember where they rightfully belong.

 

[zookeeper]

My brothers, thank you for the encouragement. Its much needed this evening.
Be Blessed
B

 

[ForeverFighting]

A survivor was sharing the guilt and shame attached to the perps' words: "See how hard you get? You really enjoy this." when the female therapist blurted out: What a lie! You are wired to respond to touch and sight! That wasn't you that was your wiring and HE was short circuiting it.

I needed to hear that. Thank you for writing it. And thank you, Zoo, for bringing this subject up. I’ve felt the same way about my body (can barely write those two words without emotions bubbling up to the surface). I’ve hated my body my whole life, literally.

We are wired to respond to touch and sight. And shall we throw in false love, human contact, emotional needs? The body responded as wired. Wow. There’s a truth I need to accept.

I wasn’t your fault, Zoo. Take care.

 

[Sterling]

Well written Zookeeper!
captivating style of writing.
Good job!
Thanks.
James

 

[WG]

So very true. We, as men, are hard-wired to be, act, think, talk and respond a certain way. We are not women - they have their own hard-wiring. Certain things are in common, but they are more in keeping with the common needs than hard-wiring. As was said, it(the brain) was over charged with something that was high voltage - higher than we were meant to handle, and it took us down.

 

[zookeeper]

Thank Sterling, WG, FF and all. They say it takes a village and Im needing everyone of you to drag my sad sorry self the these low points in recovery. Thank you for your advice, encouragement and friendship. Its made such a difference in my life.
zookeeper-Brian

 

[tommyb]

(zookeeper)


"My voice now silent. My body responding with a yes when my heart and soul were screaming no. My body betrayed me. So did you."


(foreverfighting)


"A survivor was sharing the guilt and shame attached to the perps' words: "See how hard you get? You really enjoy this." when the female therapist blurted out: What a lie! You are wired to respond to touch and sight! That wasn't you that was your wiring and HE was short circuiting it."