My Birthday

CarbonTiger

Registrant
After my birthday this year I will be signing out, logging out and moving on.

There are to many triggers here for me, unfortunately. I want to delete my words so badly and delete my account. It served its purpose.

I can't stay connected to what has troubled me for so long. It makes no sense to keep remember all the terrible things I did. On the contrary, I did even more amazing things because as a child I learned faster than my peers.

Ugh, i'm so nervous, scared and anxious about leaving these words behind. May they stand up well & in the future I may come back. I highly doubt that action because, I no longer need the words of my peers. I no longer need the acceptance of others, If I accept the version of me that I've grown up to be.

...i'll let the music in my life guide me.

"I wasn't there,
I'm not involved,
I'm innocent,
It's not my fault"

I'll leave these special words for my friends i've made here and along the way.

I now realize what I know. I know the word "abuse" like a friend or colleague. Intimately. I've known abuse since I was 6 years old and it continued into my 20's. I guess my story was about collecting these instances over time, so they could combine to be an invaluable life lesson.

I'm not sure if I understand that ultimate lesson quite yet but I am doing the work. Or "shadow work." Maybe its why i'm so restless at night.

Now that I know abuse, I can chose to not become an abuser. A pedo. A narcissist, a killer, a fucking-asshole, a drunk, I think you get the point.

My point is that since we all know an abuser we can rise above their actions toward us as people, as individuals with thoughts, feelings and emotions. Thoughts take place in our mind, which is something the brain does. Feelings take place in our hearts. And our hearts feel those emotions deeply. Its the connection between brain & heart where we will find compassion towards ourselves.

I was honored to be apart of this word collective but I can no longer stay here.

Thank you for listening and responding. See you later & be well. Much love :cool:
 
From the sound of what you write here, it sure seems that this space helped you along. And that's what it's supposed to do! For that I'm happy! I'm elated for you. It seems as though you're in a much better place. A happy place even!

I hope that here, you've been able to gain insight and depth into yourself. To gain strength.

It's hard to get our heads around what we lived through. It's hard to really see, understand, and feel the enormous strength that we all had to survive. And not only that, but to go yet further, and seek healing from this hell.

The door is always open. :)
I sincerely hope that maybe you've even made some lasting friendships here!

Peace!! :)
david
 
CT - thank you for walking with us for a span of time. I appreciate the fact that you are signing out and giving us a reason instead of just disappearing. That can cause anxiety and worry when we don't know what has happened to a participant and fear for his safety. It sounds as if being here has served a purpose in your life and I am thankful for that. And I celebrate with you that you no longer feel the need to be here. If that ever changes - you will be welcomed back - even if only to give us an update. Thanks for what you have contributed to our community - and I wish you all the best!
Lee
 
Hi Carbon

Sorry to hear you are finding it nessisary to leave. I can understand your reason why. I wish you all the best on your healing journey and hope to meet with you again sometime.

Wishing you Good days and Calm Nights
Take good care my friend
 
Those clever people who created this website won't LET us remove our accounts and the only way we can erase our words is to visit every single post we've made and erase the words... but even that can be fruitless since others will quote us and our words appear on posts they've made which we can't touch. Of course, that means that if/when we feel a need to re-engage with other trauma survivors we can come back... at least so long as we remember our username and password. Do you have them written down someplace?

Remember, we're here if you want to chat. I'm one of those men who seems committed to this website for the long haul. I know I need the support and I'm always delighted to engage with the men who show up here.

Thanks for letting us know your intentions. I wish you well CT.
 
take care CT it was nice chatting with you i hope things work out in your life and like its been said the door is always open, BB
 

Harry

Registrant
Keep on rockin in the free world dude!
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
Thank you friends.

its not until April... but I like letting those know ahead of time. I have interacted with a few members here. I'm just sticking it through until I know the time is right. So to speak.

I appreciate all of your sentiments guys. I do feel welcomed, supported and from a few of you even 'loved' however, this is just one jungle of many. This Tiger needs to make his presence known.

- CT <3
 

templman

New Registrant
What a great threat to read on my first active visit where I can share words. I haven't had access to a computer for a year now, and at my age and physical stature I refuse to write on my tiny phone with my fat fingers. What between that and the auto-correct feature...

You, CarbonTiger, make reference to just deleting everything, and not being able to, and that you fear these words up here will keep you stuck somehow. I have shared my story so many times I just can't believe how stuck I still am. I think it is because in my way, I have always managed to share my story with people who really couldn't help me.

I fell like I might be able to get over myself and begin to be healed healthy and whole with the support of men who share this experience of being molested.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
Aww man, I have only just met you. :(
I hope your birthday is 12-31-2099.
Thank you Mac & Jim--hugs to you guys!


..I have shared my story so many times I just can't believe how stuck I still am. I think it is because in my way, I have always managed to share my story with people who really couldn't help me...
I'm sorry you are stuck but also, happy you are able to share your story with us. We'll get through it together. Hugs, bud

Be well & take care guys!
 
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