My Abuse Affects My Current Relationship

[Taz Stu]

I sometimes really find it difficult to function in my relationship.
My partner brought to light my abuse, as she noticed things about my behaviour that wasn't quite right.
But because of what I have been through, I am constantly seeking reassurance and love. Sometimes I feel like I am smothering her with my need of affection and driving her away. Unfortunately she isn't the most affectionate person openly, and I sometimes feel I am making it worse. Does anyone else struggle to deal with this?

 

[sportinrucks]

I struggle big time. I've actually never really been in a relationship. I try the dating education thing and I go out and try to meet women and I've had some successes. My biggest obstacles are assertiveness, self image and attracting the right people I think subconsciously I attract the wrong women ''when I do attract them''. it's still really hard and really scary and rejection, approach anxiety and conflict are really hard to deal with for me, I'm ''sensitive''. The amount of support from the outside world (outside of malesurvivor, men's recovery groups) that I get for that is disappointing and that's an understatement. I hope I helped.

 

[tommyb]

(taz stu)

Maybe it would have been better to have recovered with certainty from the abuse before dating, sure, but maybe the person you're dating is the right person and life thrust that upon you naturally.

Personally, I would never bring up the abuse to a woman. I've found they have a way of judging men in ways that are horrific, selfish, and manipulative. I would never trust a woman with that much ammo against a man, but that's just me.

As far as you, hang in there. If you're the one for her, it won't exactly matter the mistakes you make, how much you tell her that you regret, or how much vulnerability you display in dealing with the abuse and its (temporary) affects. The main thing to remember is that she wants security from you. As long as you're looking for that in her, things could get ... unhealthy ... and fall apart all on their own. The fact that she "brought it to light" shows that she wants some sort of changes. Make the changes but don't cause her to feel even less secure in the relationship by overly-apologizing for it. Just make her happy.

Maybe that helps you, maybe not. I just wanted you to know I read your post and certainly relate.

(sportinrucks)

 

[westsidej]

Howdy all. It's just amazing how we have unique CSA experiences, come from all different backgrounds and stand at different levels in the healing and coping process.

I have had problems with relationships since escaping my CSA abusers by joining the military after high school. I truly had no idea how to be a good partner to women, what to tell or not of my abuse, and screwed up every time and even now have difficulty in my marriage due to my CSA.

Sadly, the abuse renders too many of us having the same feelings you shared. Are we somehow perm. damaged goods? How can we be intimate with women without flashbacks or ED issues? What will they think of us if we told them "everything" about our abuse? Will they break-up with us once they find out? What if we have some SSA from the abuse and it comes up? How can I enjoy oral sex from a woman after being abused by a man? What about the rage from my abuse?

How can we go from a passive sexual partner to an assertive in-control lover since many of us were forced or taught to let our abusers be in charge?

Even with years in therapy, these questions are still hard to answer and they still cause problems even decades later but thankfully many of them have been lessened and in some cases even completely mitigated. That would be my advice to you. Please seek professional help from a therapist and start living the life you deserved to live and should have experienced much sooner had the abuse not occurred.

Be well, stay strong and remember to wake up everyday and say to yourself "I am not a victim."

Yours,

Jay

 

[dark empathy]

hI.

As someone who is just starting my first relationship I can say the hole experience I have is very different. "dating" and attraction and all those sorts of things have always been literally impossible for me, indeed I still do not know how or why this wonderful lady absolutely loves me, albeit I do feel very much the same way about her.

Because I am genophobic, I knew that any sort of relationship would necessarily involve disclosing at least some details about my abuse, indeed I'm now realizing that there are some inherent basic experiencial things I just don't know.

Fundamentally we're also very good friends and have just shared a lot by way of mutual interests and preferences, Even before we decided we wanted to be together we had shared a few details for example that I have never actually had a relationship before. I am trying not to actively go into too much basic gory detail of my abuse, but my lady knows it is there and knows what we should and should not do, and in her turn is being quite honest about what she wants from me, indeed the fact that she is naturally physically and emotionally very comfortable with herself and inclined to be extremely streight forwards helps a great deal sinse I never have the fear that I am likely to make her uncomfortable without knowing, also despite my genophobia I do just plane love her and want her to be happy anyway.

Obviously dynamics are different between different people, but the one thing we've both promised each other, indeed the only thing I've asked her to actually promise me is that we will always be honest, even about the bad stuff and the things that don't work, indeed this has already happened sinse an intimate discussion at one point did manage to trigger a huge set of feelings of guilt and shame for me, which again i had to confess much as I didn't want to.

I'm not saying all women are like this, heck as someone who endured s/xual humiliation and public gang rape at the hands of girls on a dayly basis for four years as a teenager I'm quite aware of such, however now that I've actually managed to get passed all the stupid social conventions around dating and invisible sygnals and other forms of unknowable humour etc, it seems that just being honest about loving someone can do a great deal of good.

 

[justplainme]

i love hearing you talk that way dark empathy, i am sincerely very happy for you.

 

[Ladybird]

I sometimes really find it difficult to function in my relationship.
My partner brought to light my abuse, as she noticed things about my behaviour that wasn't quite right.
But because of what I have been through, I am constantly seeking reassurance and love. Sometimes I feel like I am smothering her with my need of affection and driving her away. Unfortunately she isn't the most affectionate person openly, and I sometimes feel I am making it worse. Does anyone else struggle to deal with this?

Taz, I feel like that 100% applies to me, those could practically be my own thoughts. For myself, as I continued to heal, the need for constant reassurance from others grew less. I learned to reassure myself more. (Am still working on this though)

Since your partner helped bring the abuse to light, it sounds like she has some understanding of what's going on with you, so I doubt you are "making things worse". Based on my own experience, communication is key. Share your feelings with your words (when you can) and she will likely reciprocate.

This is only from my own point of view of course, but I hope it can be somewhat helpful.

 

[jas4159]

When i found myself free of denial: The very first thing i realized was my abuse had affected everything in my life, especially my relationships.