My 1st Question. What is the next step?

My 1st Question. What is the next step?
F

fozzy_bear

Registrant
My abuse started at around 7 and continued til 16 by a guy in the neighborhood. Still makes me sad to say that. I remember most everything although it all seems to be the same just over and over. I kept the secret until I was 21 and told my immediate family at 22, that was very hard. I'm now 36. I had 2 therapists since, 3 months and years later for another 4 months. The first was just bad and the second I just didnt feel right anymore. It is hard to even pay for sessions, especially lately. I don't know of any local resources specifically for my issues. I see one in the directory but again the money and the trust is a problem. I don't have a job right now. Kind of stuck in a rut.
 
Fozzy,
I'm glad you've found this site. I 'hear' so much of what you're saying even though you don't elaborate. Things like "still makes me sad to say that". Your pain is real and your intention to seek help is valid and healthy. After all, you normally don't go to the doctor unless you have a physical condition.

I don't claim to being uniquely gifted in reading between the lines. What I do claim is that I understand and you'll find that's what most of the guys in here have in common also.

I too am looking for a therapist and cost is also a factor for me but in the meantine (and even then I'm guessing) this site is invaluable. You'll get to share stuff that you normally wouldn't and you will receive amazing acceptance and understanding.

I don't know what experience you've had in posting your thoughts and feelings in a web forum like this, but speaking as a relatively new person here and one who in the past has NEVER opened up to ANYBODY before, I find a great release in being able to firstly have an outlet for what I'm feeling (amazing in itself) but I also often get great support and positive feedback from the other guys here.

Welcome again, and please get what you can out of this awesome support network.
 
Fozzy-B - Let me add my welcome, also! I agree with Grunty about the support and positive feedback I receive here from the guys!! It is also supportive to realize so many guys experienced childhood sexual abuse with very similar resulting symptoms. You have hit a very sore area about treatment for sexual abuse survivors. Many therapists are not familiar enough at this time with the treatment of CSA. The price of therapy is sometimes prohibitive!! Perhaps Ken Singer may have resources for therapists in your area. You may also try our president, Murray Shane, who is areound NYC and Roland is in mid-state NY. I'm glad you sre here on the board...we are all journeying together and we ARE all survivors!!

Howard
 
Just a thought, but I believe most therapists will offer a sliding scale so that if you are financially strapped because of unemployment they will give you a reduced rate. You may want to check in with the local therapist to at least see if it would be affordable.
 
Thanks guys. I can tell that this is going to be a very good place for me. I am a bit wary of being identified in fear of being shunned, but when safe I don't have a problem sharing. I recently told some people at work about what happened to me to help explain my feelings and it just made things worse. They used that info to distance themselves from me. I no longer work there and have learned that lesson. I really loved the job and some of the people there, so leaving was difficult and emotinal.

I do believe that this was the next step. Maybe it will be enough for now. I am particularly having trouble dealing with relationships. I have wanted to be "normal" for so long and wish to have someone that I can care for and belong with for the rest of my life. I also have wanted to have a family for a long time so that I can give all the wonderful things I have to offer. Sex is difficult for think about, talk about on a personal level and of course actually do. It is so hard to live in a world that is all about sex at the bar and all puritan at work. Oh brother can it get any more confusing for us.

I would consider myself a virgin as all the sexual contact I have had was not based on love and mostly repulsive. I would consider myself sexual confused like most of us as well. I did manage to actually ask a woman out, that was a break thorough. She unfortunately was moving and I don't think was interested.
 
Fozzy,
Welcome Brother. We are all here to reach out to each other. My experience was similar to yours. The first guy I tried, looked as scared to be dealing with this as I was. He was simply not trained to deal with this very specific topic, not all Therapists, even phd's are equiped to deal with SA. REgardless of who/what/where your abuse happened, you might try the local chapter of SNAP (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests). Even if your trauma is not clergy related, the members of that group will likely have searched for the same type of treatment. That is where I found my current T. and she is very good. I probably would not have gone to her, had reservations about seeing a woman T but thankfully I did give her one shot. That one appt was all it took for me to realize that I needed a specialist trained in trauma work and SA. Good luck, hope you find someone to meet your need.

Jack
 
Fozzy, you have already started sharing about yourself and that's a great step for you and us, as we all learn from each other. You needn't worry about being indentified here. The ethos is to not give out personal contact details about yourself and the 'handle' that you use (fozzy_bear) helps to maintian that.

On your disclosing to others about your abuse (outside of this site of course) that is a big step and normally needs to have a specific purpose. Either it's so that you can 'get it out' if you feel you need to or it may also be to loved ones, family or close friends. Regardless it is a huge step and you need to be in a good frame of mind. As you've found, people can react badly or shun you. I think over time you'll find here that many guys actually haven't disclosed (not to keep the horiible abuse a secret) but it's more on a need-to-know basis. I've only told my wife and three other people in a counselling environment.

I'm glad that you want and can see a time when a family and life-long partner will be a part of your life. I especially like how you see yourself being able to offer all the wonderful things that you can.

Sex of course as you've indentifed is a biggie for us survivors. You'll know when the time is right and who that should be with. I too considered myself a virgin when I first had sex with my wife. My past abuse was not sex in a consensual, loving environment and I refused to have that also stolen from me. Good on you!

You long to be "normal". Fuzzy, can I say that you are normal. The abuse that happended to you is not normal and that's what was wrong; what happended to you. And of course, YOU did nothing wrong for this to happen or derserve this to happen. Let's squash that lie right now!
 
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