Musings.....

[Yves]

I haven't quite figured out why, but I have a very hard time admitting I'm gay. The most likely cause is feeling the need for social acceptance. Does anyone else have a similar feeling, or I am I just the exception to the rule? In this day and age, why should I think it's such a bad thing? Why would I think it's a bad thing?

I am deeply in love with my partner, and we have a close, caring relationship. I feel this is wonderful, but seem to prefer it to be "kept behind closed doors" so to speak. Am I ashamed of him? me? us? I cannot figure it out, and it weighs heavy on my heart, as I feel he deserves every possible affirmation of our love and commitment to each other.

Also, he is much more comfortable with public displays of affection, for example holding hands, or sitting or standing close.

Is there something maybe I'm not admitting to? Something I'm not giving in to, or even letting go of?

Can anyone share any insight?

~Yves

 

[Kenn]

Hello Yves:

Although you do not mention abuse in your post I assume you are a survivor or you probably would not be here.

Part of me that is a direct result of abuse is shame.

Sometimes that manifests itself as internalized homophobia, not uncommon among gay men - even those of us who feel more comfortable with our sexual orientation.

I know this may not help you directly but the very fact that you have a loving partner is something I envy. What has his response to this issue been?

If he needs support there is a place for "family and friends" here too.

Recovering from abuse is complicated and a long process. It will test your relationship, probably, but I would guess that if it is worth keeping it is worth working for.

Peace,
Kenn

 

[cogito]

Also, he is much more comfortable with public displays of affection, for example holding hands, or sitting or standing close.
Is there something maybe I'm not admitting to? Something I'm not giving in to, or even letting go of?

I wouldn't think of it as something you are doing or not doing. Everybody has their own level of comfort about their sexuality and if and when they display it. Even straight people. But your comfort zone can grow of shrink.
If you are afraid of being perceived as gay, well, I guess that's a rational fear, to some degree. There are those who would like to harm gay people simply for their sexuality in a way that there are not those who would want to harm straight people for theirs.
I would suggest you take it in increments (where have I heard that before?). But really, you can expand your comfort zone if you want to. If you don't want to "push the envelope" then that's your choice too, but it's not like there is something you are supposed or not supposed to do beyond what you want to do, and what you feel is right for you. I feel like Ann friggin Landers here.

 

[brian-z]

I was simi-closetted for a long time. Then I had a (brief) relationship with some one who was out, so I became out. Now Im seeing someone who is deffintly not out so Im back to being simi-closetted again. My friends know and both my mothers (very long story,) and thats ok for now.

Some times I like being a militant queer, but most of the time my gayness is just not an issue.

Dont worry about it, and dont let anyone tell you, you have to come out.

Z

 

Yves,

I know that in my case, due to my age, part of it was growing up with the psychiatric community saying that is was a "mental defect" or an "aberration".

Then, because of that, I threw myself into religion that only reinforced it.

I know in my heart today that it is something I cannot control, but I still feel ashamed. Old tapes are not easy to erase.

Peace,

Marc