Music. What are your songs? (recovery, depression, happiness, anything)

A song that has been with me through so many hard times, since I was 11 years old is I Want To Be Alone by Jackson C Frank.


His school caught fire when he was in 6th grade and many students tragically died, nearly everyone was badly injured. He suffered burns over half of his body. Back in the 50's . He survived and wrote music. He's been part of my life through his music since I was young. I first heard this song in a movie soundtrack (Electroma)
 
In so many ways it is important for me to understand how we survive our trauma and continue to lead our lives, and that even in my struggles it may serve a purpose in the eyes of another. I know I certainly look up to so many of you.
 
.aseity said:
A song that has been with me through so many hard times, since I was 11 years old is I Want To Be Alone by Jackson C Frank.


His school caught fire when he was in 6th grade and many students tragically died, nearly everyone was badly injured. He suffered burns over half of his body. Back in the 50's . He survived and wrote music. He's been part of my life through his music since I was young. I first heard this song in a movie soundtrack (Electroma)
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If that school is anything like the OLD schools I was in that were built very late 40's or early 50's, 3 story wood frame construction, They were tinder boxes and in one sense, I'm surprised not more burned. Those 2 old schools of mine are now torn down, but the horrible memories I have from them both.
 
If you read up about the story of that school fire. Only a few students survived without burns, and I think it's mentioned that a 10 year old boy bravely threw those students out of a window. It was a 1 story wood school. It also mentions that the survivors were told to forget about the whole thing and that it was no big deal, some days after they witnessed many classmates burn to death. Nearly everyone was burned severely. Very tragic.. Jackson C Frank is an incredible musician/ song writer and I encourage anyone to give his work a listen.
 
.aseity said:
In so many ways it is important for me to understand how we survive our trauma and continue to lead our lives, and that even in my struggles it may serve a purpose in the eyes of another. I know I certainly look up to so many of you.
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I often ask the very same question! I (We), have been through some really bad times, really bad. Some of us have taken "our" lives, and I for a moment don't hold anything against those who have, though sad for us. for them, they are now free from pain. But, you do have a point. If we died, would that be so bad in the end?, I mean, for us it is end of our pain, BUT, then, when we live, what do we really have to offer to others? I feel like I never graduated from elementary school, because of encephalitis, being ignored by my doc who was more interested in playing with me. How does that help others? I have never held a stable career, never been able to pay my own way through life, and I really miss what could have been a wonderful education and beyond. So what now? How do I know I make a difference, because it sure feels as if I can't. On top of all that, another person with my same exact name and birthdate, has a sexual criminal record, making it extremely challenging to find ways to volunteer, because as far as the police are concerned, "I'm their man"! I hate it.
 
To mirror some wonderful words, we are warriors, you are a warrior, you are pushing through against the odds and making sacrifices. I tell you, before I knew about the MS community I felt so very alone in my struggles with trauma, but after arriving here and reading so many testimonies to surviving trauma and taking on life in recovery, I was inspired.

A short story I think is relevant to share involves my brother in law (deceased). He was on dialysis for about 13 years. I bonded with him for the last 5 years of his life and we got close. I was the last person he spoke to before passing, and family told me he was calling for me in his last moments while I had to be at work. Difficult time, but... It is important to acknowledge that, yes he is now free from his life of pain and suffering, but it means SO MUCH more that he persevered for all of those painful years and he was as active as he could be. He had a very weak body (13 fractured ribs, broken hip and 2 breaks in leg) he didn't like crying but he would cry from pain and frustration every day. It wasn't pleasant to witness him in this condition, it was heartbreaking! But it showed me such example of strength and perseverance for his only daughter and his family that he loved us. He stuck it out to the bitter end.

That life lesson stays with me in the ways I carry on with my own chronic pain and trauma. I am intent on surviving this to be here for my family, and doing as much as I can to not let my conditions defeat my quality of life. Yes it's already difficult and bad, but I am still able to make it better and I do as much as I can. We just do the best that we can each and every day, and when it is too bad a day it is okay to recognize we are in pain and have disadvantages in life, but I keep room in my heart to keep on living for those that love me and those that I love. It isn't always easy, it's almost never easy. I enjoy the breaks I get..

On the discussion of suicide. I've committed suicide when I was 13 and I failed because I'm still here, and I continued for years to subject myself to dangerous and cruel situations that damaged me. I can't reverse the damage I allowed myself to suffer, but I can focus a lot of self compassion and patience as I try to carry on. I've known many people to take their own lives and many I miss often, others I've known to have their lives robbed from them without choice, and I mourn them as well.

I can't tell you that your life was not that bad just because you survived, and I don't suggest that at all! We can't even know of all the ways we might motivate or inspire others in their own lives. It is different for our invisible disabilities, but we can make our pain and perseverance visible by sharing what we've been through and just showing that we are still here. Obviously it is more apparent in individuals with visible disabilities that they struggle living but they do it every day.
Again, I am really sorry for all of the ways you were abused and improperly cared for. Thinking of you brother
 
.aseity said:
To mirror some wonderful words, we are warriors, you are a warrior, you are pushing through against the odds and making sacrifices. I tell you, before I knew about the MS community I felt so very alone in my struggles with trauma, but after arriving here and reading so many testimonies to surviving trauma and taking on life in recovery, I was inspired.

A short story I think is relevant to share involves my brother in law (deceased). He was on dialysis for about 13 years. I bonded with him for the last 5 years of his life and we got close. I was the last person he spoke to before passing, and family told me he was calling for me in his last moments while I had to be at work. Difficult time, but... It is important to acknowledge that, yes he is now free from his life of pain and suffering, but it means SO MUCH more that he persevered for all of those painful years and he was as active as he could be. He had a very weak body (13 fractured ribs, broken hip and 2 breaks in leg) he didn't like crying but he would cry from pain and frustration every day. It wasn't pleasant to witness him in this condition, it was heartbreaking! But it showed me such example of strength and perseverance for his only daughter and his family that he loved us. He stuck it out to the bitter end.

That life lesson stays with me in the ways I carry on with my own chronic pain and trauma. I am intent on surviving this to be here for my family, and doing as much as I can to not let my conditions defeat my quality of life. Yes it's already difficult and bad, but I am still able to make it better and I do as much as I can. We just do the best that we can each and every day, and when it is too bad a day it is okay to recognize we are in pain and have disadvantages in life, but I keep room in my heart to keep on living for those that love me and those that I love. It isn't always easy, it's almost never easy. I enjoy the breaks I get..

On the discussion of suicide. I've committed suicide when I was 13 and I failed because I'm still here, and I continued for years to subject myself to dangerous and cruel situations that damaged me. I can't reverse the damage I allowed myself to suffer, but I can focus a lot of self compassion and patience as I try to carry on. I've known many people to take their own lives and many I miss often, others I've known to have their lives robbed from them without choice, and I mourn them as well.

I can't tell you that your life was not that bad just because you survived, and I don't suggest that at all! We can't even know of all the ways we might motivate or inspire others in their own lives. It is different for our invisible disabilities, but we can make our pain and perseverance visible by sharing what we've been through and just showing that we are still here. Obviously it is more apparent in individuals with visible disabilities that they struggle living but they do it every day.
Again, I am really sorry for all of the ways you were abused and improperly cared for. Thinking of you brother
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Thank you for such a thoughtful story. It is sad to see someone like your Brother in law struggle in life with so many broken bones! (Only bone I ever broke was my left thumb when caught in a car door! I was 4. I tried to open the door but because the car was parked on a slope, I was pulling the door against gravity. I asked my sister to help, and she just sat there! then BANG! OUCH! HOLLERING!. Our dad had just gone into the lawyers office to sign some papers for a mortgage. Beautiful sunny morning. I remember everything that morning like it was yesterday. Then dad rushed me to the docs office who all he could do was to wrap my thumb in gauze and tape it up. At 4, bones like that are mostly soft form not fully calcified. My mother happened to be in at the docs office, don't know why, (doesn't matter) but the doc said to her - Do you know who that screaming child is? He's your son D, Your husband just brought him in with a broken thumb!
Funny thing is I don't remember the pain anymore! Wish I could do that with my mental pain and anguish.

Why do we torture ourselves with being unable to forget the memory of our mental pain? I'm sorry you attempted suicide at age 13. I was 13 when I first kind of contemplated it, the next year I was seriously planning it and one night came very close. Some would argue that dying by suicide is the easy way out, but it really is not that easy or simple. It's a tough choice to make, especially for a young teen. For those of us who have contemplated suicide, but survived, something of a higher power must be helping us through our difficult times. I guess we just have to believe! Believe that tomorrow will be better, believe that we will be stronger, and believe that somehow we will do more than just survive. I sure wish I could believe all those things, I talk about them, but I still struggle with those ideals myself.

The abuse and neglect we live through as a child remains with us for life. I never ever have taken my leather belt to either son. Only ever swatted their behinds when they mis behaved, Never even hard enough to attempt to hurt them, but just enough to let them know that what they did was not what I asked them not to do. Then they stopped. I never tried to make them cry. I was a boy scout leader / cub leader years ago, and I treated every boy with the respect that he had the right to. I had this rule I made up because the boys were swearing. I guess being 11 - 12 yrs old just trying to sound big! Anyways, when caught I made them do 20 pushups. They were never perfect form, but they did them. The swearing decreased, the boys took pride that they were able to show off their strength to the others. One weekend at camp, one boy swore in his tent. I told him to get out "here" and now and do his pushups. "But, Scouter D, I'm only in my underwear!" Doesn't matter C, it's nothing we all haven't seen before. He came out, did his pushups and went back in and got dressed. I suppose there might have been perhaps a moment of embarrassment, but he did them and that was that. He now works with the police department thousands of kms away from here, a different province. He is married, with children now, and is having a great time.


So that pretty much sums up my "corporal" punishment, never to hurt, never to harm, but make them stronger and learn from mistakes. It is so sad that "WE" here, have had to go through events that should never ever have happened. Why me? If only we could answer that question! It is not a simple question! Nor, is the answer any simpler. I guess all we can say is that it is an unfortunate part of life.
 
Suicide for obvious reasons is a very sensitive topic on MS, as in most spaces. For those in in really dark places, I ask you to seek advice, counsel, and help. Despite our injuries and our flaws, we’re far more valuable to ourselves and to others than we can possibly realize in those dark moments.

One of the most amazing epiphanies I had was swimming in the Gulf of Mexico early one morning. A herd of manatees silently glided under me. The largest (and likely oldest) member of the herd was covered with the scars of battle—-with boat props, sharks, and who knows what else. The scarred ones know things, the scarred ones are revered.

Will
 
Thank you Will for that inspiring message. That is a very beautiful experience you shared. I've swam in rivers and a few lakes but not into open waters. I've stared out at the Gulf when I was younger. I can imagine it now. Your mention of manatees brings up a very familiar song I've been listening to for the last 15 years
 
Unatempestad said:
I’m creating this thread to share music that helps me in my recovery. Music is an outlet for my problems.

A personal favorite: River by Leon Bridges.

This song hits me hard. It encompasses many parts of my life including my trauma. He starts by saying that he’s “been traveling these wide roads for so long.” I am reaching my 30’s, but ever since my youth, I have felt tired with life because of my depression and anxiety. My abuse made me older in every sense of the word. I remember being 12 and telling a teacher that I had been living for too long and she said “you have your entire life ahead of you.” She was right, but it wasn’t the normal life without trauma that I wanted. At that age, I became more aware of my trauma. My pain made me colder and lonelier.

He goes on to say “my heart’s been far, from you ten-thousand miles long.” That is when everything changed, and I started to learn about God; I realized how far from Him I was and I wanted to be closer to Him. I wanted to draw close to Him and give him “every part of me” but there “was blood on my hands” and my “lips [weren’t] clean.” I have always felt dirty about my life because of my abuse. I created self-destructive habits which worsened my feelings. But in that “darkness, momma’s words reoccur[ed] to me, “surrender to the good Lord, and he’ll wipe your slate clean.” My mom has always been there for me, and I love her. She doesn’t know what happened to me. I could never tell her because it will break her heart and she has been through enough. She has always wanted me to have relationship with God, in that sense I said “take me to your river, I wanna go.” This goes into topics such as baptism, sin, forgiveness, and love. The way he sings the song feels like its coming from my insides, my stomach, my gut, my heart, everything. Hope you guys enjoy the song.

The first video is just the song, and the second is the music video. Ironically, I had no idea there was a music video since I use Spotify.



Lyrics:

Been traveling these wide roads for so long
My heart's been far from you
Ten-thousand miles gone
Oh, I wanna come near and give ya
Every part of me
But there's blood on my hands
And my lips aren't clean
In my darkness I remember
Momma's words reoccur to me
"Surrender to the good Lord
And he'll wipe your slate clean"
Take me to your river
I wanna go
Oh, go on
Take me to your river
I wanna know
Tip me in your smooth waters
I go in
As a man with many crimes
Come up for air
As my sins flow down the Jordan
Oh, I wanna come near and give ya
Every part of me
But there's blood on my hands
And my lips aren't clean
Take me to your river
I wanna go
Go on,
Take me to your river
I wanna…

Feel free to share your own songs.
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I was 14 when I began to suspect abuse from my past childhood years, from the doc who incorrectly diagnosed my illness and wouldn't listen to me and he also raped me, and the night my father came to me and told me he was refusing to help me because I was not showing enough effort in my studies. There would have been my blood on my hands, and just about ready to do so, BUT, - 1) I didn't want to be the first in the family "tree" to do that, - 2) I didn't want my mother to find my body in the morning in the sea of red, -3) and I was so exhausted I couldn't get out of bed to get that tool! Last thought probably saved my life, but for what! Having had encephalitis, and being ignored, on top of trying to cope with early onset puberty and razzing by peers because of that, I just wanted out! I felt like I had been torn apart. The encephalitis took more from me than I had realized, -(I knew something happened to my brain but what, and trying to get someone to listen to me was impossible). At times, even "today", I want out! Not being able to earn my privileges within this life, has made it miserable. Abuse has certainly changed me, because I fantasize about "abusive" situations when I masturbate, and then I feel sick inside. I failed so many courses throughout high school, its not even funny, - phys-ed, religion, math, history, chemistry, french the list goes on. sometimes I wonder "what did I learn?" I should have run away from home and sold myself on the streets in some city far from home town. But I didn't, I just kept hoping "tomorrow" would be better and kept lying to myself.
 
Bornfree said:
I was 14 when I began to suspect abuse from my past childhood years, from the doc who incorrectly diagnosed my illness and wouldn't listen to me and he also raped me, and the night my father came to me and told me he was refusing to help me because I was not showing enough effort in my studies. There would have been my blood on my hands, and just about ready to do so, BUT, - 1) I didn't want to be the first in the family "tree" to do that, - 2) I didn't want my mother to find my body in the morning in the sea of red, -3) and I was so exhausted I couldn't get out of bed to get that tool! Last thought probably saved my life, but for what! Having had encephalitis, and being ignored, on top of trying to cope with early onset puberty and razzing by peers because of that, I just wanted out! I felt like I had been torn apart. The encephalitis took more from me than I had realized, -(I knew something happened to my brain but what, and trying to get someone to listen to me was impossible). At times, even "today", I want out! Not being able to earn my privileges within this life, has made it miserable. Abuse has certainly changed me, because I fantasize about "abusive" situations when I masturbate, and then I feel sick inside. I failed so many courses throughout high school, its not even funny, - phys-ed, religion, math, history, chemistry, french the list goes on. sometimes I wonder "what did I learn?" I should have run away from home and sold myself on the streets in some city far from home town. But I didn't, I just kept hoping "tomorrow" would be better and kept lying to myself.
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BTW, your song says much to me as well!
 
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