Joy Division: Ceremony (New Order) Joy Division played this first. Lyrics are with this linked video. The video shows a lot of cemetery statuary. Angels, women of sorrow and strength, tears and waiting.
So, Another Joy Division video of "Ceremony", with pics of Ian Curtis. He was 5 yrs older than I. His facial expressions seem indicative of my own feelings during the same years. It looks like I started a family around the same age as he, 4 yrs after he passed.
It can be confusing to begin a family, thinking one is kinda alone. Though, my brother and sister were around. We didn't exactly isolate, but it was a time of rapid change, and eventual isolation. We moved out of state for 5 years. This isolation only changed if we tried to meet people at church.
While looking through old bands I may have heard. I'm finding it takes time to reach a song, and version of it that sounds the way I'm thinking. The thinking of healing, of how things were, and could move.
Portishead: "Roads" fit the need. And this particular video is the one.
Decades ago, I was on the run. My early 17th year. I had tried running myself to death for a few weeks, about a couple months prior. Running so hard I wished I would die. Quit school. My 4th in 4 years.
I had been raped about the same time the previous year. Then, my dad met a new woman, dumped the one I knew well and whose son I was pretty good friends. He married her in about 2 weeks of dating. We moved into her house with my brother and 3 new step siblings I had just met.
Soon I quit the new school, and started running to collapse. My dad tried to force me to stay home. One evening he came home just as I was walking up to the front steps from a run. He pushed me inside and punched me in the face! I ran away, but the next morning he found me and forced me into a psych ward. I spent a week doing art. He cried for me to forgive him, and I went back.
I got a job. Worked a month and ran away after I got my first check. I waited for my 2nd check and used it for a bus ticket from Danville, Illinois to Chicago and then on to a possible home in Minnesota. I didn't have a home though. So, mom put me in hell.
Well this song came out when I again returned to Minnesota from Illinois back in 1991. That was when I graduated. I cried over and over. It still gets to me.
So, again memories. 1988, many bands... the Pixies came out with: "Where is my Mind" and I had lost mine. This and 1985 are 2 of my worst years outside of being raped. Long story short, I smoked enough pot and drank enough beer to forget. I wanted no thoughts. 1988, I had at least 4 friends at University. I was in deep trouble with my marriage. Studies suffered, so in that summer of 1988, I spiraled into a haze of nothingness.
About 1988 I discovered a series that Sire Records used to promote their artists. It became the "Just Say Yes" series. The last word changed. Yes, Yo, Yesterday, Anything, Roe and another I can't recall this moment (I looked it up, and left off Mao and Da). In 1991 this was on "Just Say Anything":
It's the band Ride: "Today"
And the song speaks to my thinking, feelings, vulnerability, need to talk, just talk so I don't disappear
So, in 1989, I bought the Cure's cd "Disintegration" There is so much feeling in it. "Pictures of You" hit me hard. Thinking about "saying the right words" and how so many times my heart is broken. To me, I recognize there's no such thing as the "right words", sadness though, is a strong feeling.
I have loved Sade's voice for decades, and found: "By Your Side" . It's the first time I can recall hearing this song. It could evoke many things, for me, married 32 years, too much sadly, it evokes deep emotion. I cried. I don't want to relegate women to a comforter role, that's the trouble with certain things, and ways context is so important.
I have been sad a long time. My wife has a different way of loving than could help me flourish, and a problem being derogatory. So, I am conflicted, I know some of why my wife is not supportive, because, she kinda thinks she is supportive. In her way, her mind, things she does show support. I agree to some. The words of her choosing, tone and volume have been an issue. And name calling, derogatory memories, blame. So, hearing THIS...
Sade sings how an ideal of love, comfort would help ME.
*Trigger* This song by bauhaus crossed my path after I was at University. A lot of music that I have come to listen, is from that era of desperation. A time long ago, yet, so driven into how I have thought of what helped open me to thinking, while I sought desperately to destroy thinking. That paradox seems easy to explain in my mind, seems that it should be obvious, in my mind.
Like, see, there's thinking... and then the "other thinking", that self derision, hidden, yet mockingly not hidden! I think one man saw this in me during University and accepted me? Syd, his nickname, seemed to get me? He was a protesting artist. I, nobody, adrift from wanting reality, living, like a lie. Seeing myself schismed, thinking so much, yet, unwilling and unable to act upon much of it.
So I smoked shit loads of pot, drank a lot of beer, and occasionally took acid.
bauhaus, a dark band, from an era of AIDS desperation, and little notice to the marginalized, sung lyrics I connected to. And feelings of being bullied, of having no outlet to see an end to my torments, "Kick in the Eye aka Silent Hedges" fit the bill, where huge rage met self pity.
Two women musicians I adore collaborated to play "Shine" and I love it. The beautiful voice of Pat Benatar shines in the song, written with Linda Perry. The song is for the Women's March in DC and supporters all over. Women who are showing the voice and faces of resistance to mysogeny in our highest office. It's all inclusive to me.
I know it's proper deference, to avoid co-opting a person's or group's intent, avoid hijacking a movement, or meme to relate to. This song transcends, it brings survival into the lyrics, and that hooked me. Unintended by both I'm sure, but, I can't help but love "Shine"!