MS Novice Saying Hello

[yungdoc]

Hi everybody, this is my first time posting. I've been reading the message board for a couple months now, but I've never had the courage to post anything. I am a 22 year old survivor (that's the first time i've ever referred to myself as such). I was sexually abused by my father starting when I was 5 and lasting until I was 12 or 13. I have managed to make it through by trusting NOBODY and living in a state of massive denial. In one sense, it has worked. On the outside I appear to be a very productive person--I just graduated from Stanford University and I'm applying to medical school. But inside, I feel like a shell of a human being. I have struggled with untreated depression for years now. There will be weeks or months where I can literally feel the weight of the atmosphere on top of me. In college, a steady supply of marijuana and alcohol kept me semi-anesthetised enough to appear socially normal, but I know the intense anxiety I feel whenever I am in social settings. I always feel like there is something wrong with me, and that everybody is going to find out what it is if I act like myself. Therefore, I have constructed a wall around my true self and tend to keep people at a healthy distance. While this has protected me, it has also prevented me from having the types of relationships with others that I would like to have.

I'm sorry that I am rambling, but like I said, this is my first time ever posting anything and it feels like my fingers just keep typing. I live in constant fear that one day my facade is going to come crashing down, and I'm going to spiral into uncontrollable depression and maybe even hurt myself. I am afraid that as I strike out on my own and start my own family one day, that I will wind up being like my father. I know that the vast majority of survivors do not go on to be abusers, but the fear still has a hold of me. The craziest part is that I'm currently living at home right now as I apply to medical school, and my father lives here as well. We never talk about it, but the elephant is always in the room. I'm so sick of being so guarded about my emotions all the time. Even now, I'm afraid to admit that I simply feel like shit most of the time. I'm glad that I found this support group, and I hope that I can truly open up to you all in the future. God bless.

 

[Jonathon]

hey there --
I am new here too and our stories are pretty similar . . . although I'm still a bit worried about putting it into words as I am quite attched to the totally flase persona I present to the world . . . and my techniques for keeping good friends at arms length . . . Thank God New York is a frantic town I started therapy on this a while back, maybe a year now. That is helping too.
I confronted my Dad impulsively when I rememberedthings and it went really badly . . . he verbally attacked me and denied everything, as did the rest of the family. So we have not spoken in 5 years which is terribly sad but critical to my recovery. I can't imagine how weird that must be, being in the same house. At least you have an escape route and there are obviously a lot of people out theres, shrinks, docs, etc. to help with the depression etc. Welcome from a member who just started posting!

 

[WalkingSouth]

Hi, and welcome to both of you. Glad you found us, but so sorry you have the need.

A bit tired and need to head off to bed, but couldn't do that without sending you guys my greeting and welcome.

Please know that you are no longer alone, and that it wasn't your fault.

Lots of love,

John

 

Hello and welcome, I like your signature quote, any idea who wrote that or do we have a genius in our group!

Im just sorry you had to come here, same as me and all the rest.

Peace

 

I got it, it was Friedrich Nietzsche!!

 

[Zipser]

Hello and welcome to MS.

That first post is oh so hard but you both did it so congrats!

There's lots to be found here so take your time and look around. As one of our emeritus members has stated this is like a great big club house for us where we can take a break every so often and know that we're not alone. I'm just sorry you had to pay the price of admission.

There's also a good article on confrontation in case you're interested.

Regards to you both,

Zipser

 

[Elad 12]

Welcoming you also. Take your time and it's worth the effort.

Dale

 

[shadowkid]

its weird finding this place cause we spend our lives seeing how we are so different from everybody else,but when you come here you are not different anymore ,many of our experiences are so alike ,our feelins are so alike ,its a place where finally we can fit in ,i'm glad you found us and hope it helps shadow

 

[phoster]

welcome. sorry you need a place like this. MS was a real key for me early in my recovery. i hope you find as much support and help here as i did.

 

[Brian]

Yungdoc & Jonathon,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I found this place a little over 5 years ago and I can say that this site has been a life-saver for me.

Yung doc, I had the same fears that you had about starting my own family. I finaly came to the realization that it was all in my mind and it was just another way that I could punish myself for all the shame and guilt that I felt. I'm very happy to report that I finally got married 18 months ago and my wife and I are trying to start a family! I'm going to enjoy every moment of being a dad!

I was able to get to this point because of all the strenth and support from the guys at Male Survivor, a willingness to talk about my issues with the guys here and a lot of hard work in therapy. Thank God I found this place! I'm a lucky man!

I hope that both of you really commit yourselves to this recovery thing. It's really worth the time and effort!

God Bless,

Brian

 

[RICK57]

Welcome to the club!

Best wishes ...Rik

 

[Ken Followell]

Welcome. Many differnet guys where with a lot in common. Glad you found us and hope you find the same support and understanding that I have.

 

[Grunty1967b]

Doc,

I can so relate to that shell of a person thing. You have a great advantage in that although I felt it at your age I didnt understand where it came from or why I had it. I just put it down to thats just me. Oh how wrong that was, and Im so glad youve seen that. You just cut potentially decades off your recovery process!

On those walls around your life (and mine too), understand that they served a purpose. As a child you needed them to survive. You did nothing wrong by establishing them. They were critical to your survival. They got you to this point in life. Without them you could have been another suicide statistic.

As you progress through recovery you can look at safely dismantling them but in your own time.

As you said, youve been with us for a while now reading posts and its the natural progression to jump in and get involved when youre ready. Glad to hear from you!

Welcome friend, to a place of safety and love. I look forward to getting to know you better.

 

[yungdoc]

Thank you guys for all the love, it means so much to me. It's still so crazy that there are other people who actually UNDERSTAND what is going on. It may sound weird, but I am looking forward to recovery a little now because I know that I will not have to do it alone. I appreciate you guys.

 

[roadrunner]

yungdoc and Jonathon,

Welcome to both of you. Just adding to what has already been said, don't be afraid of the feelings you have - regardless of how terrible they seem. Talk about them and get them up on the table and into the light. So many times we will discover that these feelings are false ideas we are still carrying from childhood. Don't allow yourselves to define yourselves by these bad feelings. They are NOT you! Hang in there and you will see what I mean.

Much love,
Larry