Moving FORWARD
Hello -
1. I am returnning. It seems I cycle back to this site every several months or so. I am in another cycle of facing my healing vs. the usual Dissociated pretending of life. Yes, I mentioned "Dissociated" and I wish there was a section here in the MS fourms just to talk about dissociation topics. I can't compartmentalize anymore. I can't hold it all together any more. I changed my inner saying from "hang in there John" to now I say "Please, Just Let Go John".
2. I have been in therapy since like 2000. This time however, I am FINALLY talking in therapy about the priest. This time instead of using my intellectualizing defense to question the validity of my pieces of memory, I am accepting that if it feels real enough to F**K up my life, then its real enough to accept as "real". This time I am accepting what comes up and accepting that I "sought it out" bc I wasn't getting noticed at home and that I liked being told I was "special". It hurts to admit that I enjoyed it - there was nothing wrong w/ me.
3. I am very scared of becoming too tied in with allowing myself to identify myself as a "victim". I don't want to be a resident in the neighborhood of victim'hood' ... "I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE!" I shout out loud in the car several times a day. But part of the healing process is to admit that you were raped. "Yes, John you were raped" and that part was horrifying and it explains so many things about they way you respond to conflict". I want to find a balance between the dichotomy of accepting the pain and moving forward from it. Abused children aren't allowed choices and don't ask for what they want so it is hard for me to envision a life outside of the stigma I assign to my story. But I am not my story.
4. I am the Director of my own life's "movie" now. And I intend to move the story, my story, out of fear & shame and into serenity, balance, prosperity and dare I say it? ... Joy. "It's safe to be happy now John. You did it... [fighting tears] You shut up and 'took it' and you survived". Its time for this "movie" to include resolution vs. dissociation. "I'm Not Dead!" I hear a voice yelling in my head as I sprint through laps in the pool.
5. Right now I am in a phase of sleeplessness, waking up at 4 a.m., shaking and saying out loud "please don't kill me, Please don't kill me" while I clutch a stuffed dolphin like a little boy. Right now it takes all my emotional effort to get through a work week so I can fall apart on Saturdays. I believe this phase will end. It has to, simply bc a person's physiology can't keep this up. I am in great shape though bc swimming is my only solace and so I have swam miles and miles in the last 2 months. While in a meditative way saying "Listening Presence" in my strokes, listening to what my life needs to tell me.
6. The reason I wrote all this is to re-introduce myself as the director of my movie of healing and MOVING FORWARD, with self LOVE.
7. I believe now that I am willing to talk about the priest and about the impact of loneliness and of the ambiguity of my sexuality, I am ready to get UNSTUCK. I believe I am learning skills to move forward. And so it is.
1. I am returnning. It seems I cycle back to this site every several months or so. I am in another cycle of facing my healing vs. the usual Dissociated pretending of life. Yes, I mentioned "Dissociated" and I wish there was a section here in the MS fourms just to talk about dissociation topics. I can't compartmentalize anymore. I can't hold it all together any more. I changed my inner saying from "hang in there John" to now I say "Please, Just Let Go John".
2. I have been in therapy since like 2000. This time however, I am FINALLY talking in therapy about the priest. This time instead of using my intellectualizing defense to question the validity of my pieces of memory, I am accepting that if it feels real enough to F**K up my life, then its real enough to accept as "real". This time I am accepting what comes up and accepting that I "sought it out" bc I wasn't getting noticed at home and that I liked being told I was "special". It hurts to admit that I enjoyed it - there was nothing wrong w/ me.
3. I am very scared of becoming too tied in with allowing myself to identify myself as a "victim". I don't want to be a resident in the neighborhood of victim'hood' ... "I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE!" I shout out loud in the car several times a day. But part of the healing process is to admit that you were raped. "Yes, John you were raped" and that part was horrifying and it explains so many things about they way you respond to conflict". I want to find a balance between the dichotomy of accepting the pain and moving forward from it. Abused children aren't allowed choices and don't ask for what they want so it is hard for me to envision a life outside of the stigma I assign to my story. But I am not my story.
4. I am the Director of my own life's "movie" now. And I intend to move the story, my story, out of fear & shame and into serenity, balance, prosperity and dare I say it? ... Joy. "It's safe to be happy now John. You did it... [fighting tears] You shut up and 'took it' and you survived". Its time for this "movie" to include resolution vs. dissociation. "I'm Not Dead!" I hear a voice yelling in my head as I sprint through laps in the pool.
5. Right now I am in a phase of sleeplessness, waking up at 4 a.m., shaking and saying out loud "please don't kill me, Please don't kill me" while I clutch a stuffed dolphin like a little boy. Right now it takes all my emotional effort to get through a work week so I can fall apart on Saturdays. I believe this phase will end. It has to, simply bc a person's physiology can't keep this up. I am in great shape though bc swimming is my only solace and so I have swam miles and miles in the last 2 months. While in a meditative way saying "Listening Presence" in my strokes, listening to what my life needs to tell me.
6. The reason I wrote all this is to re-introduce myself as the director of my movie of healing and MOVING FORWARD, with self LOVE.
7. I believe now that I am willing to talk about the priest and about the impact of loneliness and of the ambiguity of my sexuality, I am ready to get UNSTUCK. I believe I am learning skills to move forward. And so it is.