Moving forward

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Hadrian

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It’s been over five years since I had a really challenging time in my life which shook my whole world, threatening to end my marriage & send me backwards to a time when compulsions & impulsive decisions ruled my every thought. It was as if I came out of a world which was always dark, bleak & hopeless & entered into a bright world full of hope & various accomplishments before the floor disappeared & back into the despair I fell. Maybe that sounds melodramatic, but that’s how it was when my past reached into my present after I had been so successful at suppressing memories & repressing tendency’s to the point that I had forgotten all of it. Well, almost all of it. Then one day my phone rang & a member of my family of origin was on the line, happy to recapture the old days & asked me about my life after I ran away from home as a teenager. This just didn’t compute with who I was, but it all came back to me when this person happily recalled a nickname certain people had for me including those who abused me for years. I thought I might not recover after the ramifications of those memories exploded open in my mind. It was a long process of recovery for me & for my family, the family that I made with my wife.

Jump ahead to today & my life is just that. It’s mine. I choose how to live it. I have scars, sure, but scars are wounds that have healed. Nobody is threatening me or hurting me & im not desperate being in dire straits anymore. I went through some intense therapy & I faved all that I had determined to forget. I’m not healed. I’m not cured. I’m certainly not perfect. I still get triggered. I still have horrible dreams. I still feel self conscious around other people. But I will not let myself accuse me of being responsible for the bad things I experienced just because those who gave me those experiences said it was my fault. I ride a twenty mile round trip on my bike most everyday, I take care of my health, I take care of my family as a stay at home dad & I am happy these days. I have choices on how I let things affect me. This is the biggest part of my recovery. Nothing can derail me without my consent & I do not consent to being miserable. Every day I feel move positive. And everyday I smile. I hope that anyone who has similar experiences will one day feel the same & will determine to fight the good fight until they can determine that there is no need to fight because they have already won.

My best wishes for everyone
 
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