Moving forward never felt so hard (triggers)

[scooter]

This last week has been a rollercoaster ride from hell. I can stand outside of myself and smile because I am proud of myself for the work I am doing. But inside I am battered and broken, yet strong, fighting, and beginning to feel myself becoming whole.

I had mentioned earlier that I was trying to understand and express my anger. I worked on it more and realize that I need to incorporate the angry and raging part of myself the way I did the hurt and fearful child part. I am thankful for how far I've come. But still so far to go.

With my anger I have found my power, but each time I find my power I have the strength to look further and I am once again broken down with new realizations. I remember one experience when my dad's stepfather raped me, I remember being fondled but have no specific memory, and remember what I thought was some things that happened to my brother. This morning I realized that I've been keeping myself at an arms reach and what I remembered as my brother was not him but me. I broke past my defenses and remembered.

One of the memories was of "giving him a blowjob." But as I remembered and was broken to my core with shame and guilt I felt the anger and the rage and the power that has been residing in me and I told myself and told him no. I told myself - no, I didn't "give" him anything. He "made me" suck his ****. It was not something I wanted - and I wasn't an adult doing it, I was a child, a little boy and fuck the bastard that rapes a little boy. If he weren't dead I could kill him. (please edit if that was too much - I'm trying to keep it toned down - sorry)

I'm tired, I feel like I've aged 100 years; and yet I'm strong with a new sense of wisdom, of understanding myself really for the first time - each day. I'm angered by the confusion, the loss of years taken by fear and holding back. More and more I realize that I've blocked out so much feeling and emotions. I'm beginning to really feel my body for the first time. I'm beginning to love myself deeply and have compassion for who I am and how I've survived what was done to me. I'm beginning the process of forgiving myself for being so damn hard on myself.

Thank you for listening to this long rant.

 

[Dude]

I'm glad thing's are gettin bettr 4 u. I no think that people understand that things take time. I have a simular proble with the whole anger thing but don't know how 2 end it. We jus started workin on it in T last week and I'm gettin ready 2 see my T in a bit. I wish i knew how 2 fight the anger thing and explain that things don't change in a day. Oh, I want 2 know if u have any advice on how 2 work thru the anger part. A lot of times i get mad n angry 4 the littleist things n i know it's not good 4 my wife n kids n i need 2 change but i feel helpless again n my past starts comming back n i back of n return 2 my old self. I know i can't control my angery others but if i start with me, maybe they'll catch on. sorry for blabbing. Thank's, -Donnie

 

[sabooka]

Scooter,

It is good that you have been able to see your anger for what it is and incorporate it in to who you are. I think that is a very positive step.

You are right that you did not give him anything. He took what he wanted but you did not give anything to him. YOu were a little boy and I agree.F**** him.

Jonathan

 

[scooter]

Originally posted by Dude:
I wish i knew how 2 fight the anger thing and explain that things don't change in a day. Oh, I want 2 know if u have any advice on how 2 work thru the anger part. A lot of times i get mad n angry 4 the littleist things n i know it's not good 4 my wife n kids n i need 2 change but i feel helpless again n my past starts comming back n i back of n return 2 my old self.

I've tried to fight the anger, but am currently working on embracing it. I'm to the point that I am outraged by the damage that was done to me (I fall back down as well) and my anger is justified because I feel it.

I have been working on getting my anger out so that it doesn't come out at others. I have found that I don't need to be frightened of my anger and when it is in the open it is not misdirected.

I never want to hurt anyone else and just because I feel the anger over my abuse doesn't mean I will hurt anyone else. I have found it quite the contrary - when I feel the anger and let it out, esp. in mental images of stopping the abuse, I have way more patience with my children and my wife and the anger isn't leaking out inappropriately.

Keep on the journey and for a while anger is our ally.

 

[Dude]

Thank's. I'm glad 2 no that it's possible 2 stop. I thought 4 the longest time that i was stuck like this. N i glad it workin 4 u. -Donnie

 

[Darkheart]

Glad you have reached the point of being able to resolve your internal anger. Is a huge step!

 

[RICK57]

Scooter & everyone else - yes it's a bloody tough fight, but it's one fight worth facing.

I find it very difficult to trust anyone, but you know what - when I first started dealing with this thing...I drew a picture (A4)! On one half of the paper I started to draw all of the people that were good in my life. On the right hand side (other half) I drew my abuser and anyone else that was currently a real negative influence on my life.

Do you know what - I may complain about my managers and other people from time to time, but I think that they are pretty positive most of the time when I think about it.

The drawing - on one side my abuser.... on the other side ...everyone that really matters. It shocked me that that was the best/worst I could do...it's good to be reminded that maybe I have bosses/managers that are arseholes at times, but really; the majority of people are OK.

When we finally deal with being abused, after years of closing it off, we open up Pandora's Box (that has been said about myself). Don't put the lid back on, because once everything is out of the box, the lid is no longer under pressure. It cannot burst again when there is nothing left.

Best wishes ..Rik