Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son

Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
S

SAR

I've copied this post to the F&F forum at the request of the author. Welcome to MS sis. :)

Hi my name is sis. I am a female survivor and a member of another survivors network, mostly women. I have two members of my family who are male and survivors. We also have a male who is in our group. His mom was his perp and i can imagine it has been hard for him to work with us, considering we are women. But the good news is he is reaching out. I wanted to check you guys out before giving him your website just to make sure you are legite for his own protection. I had repressed my abuse, years 1-12. but a few years ago they started to surface. I have lost everything and am being treated for PTSD as well as other related issues. I am now living with adult son who is 22. Also a victim, some 20 years ago. He knows what i am doing as far as recovery. He was sexually abused and tortured but has no memory. We have discussed his abuse briefly a few days ago. I am afraid that i will trigger him. I do see some signs of PTSD but those signs started when he saw his mom lose her mind. I don't want to trigger him but i also want him to see that this stuff does not go away and he may have to deal with it at some time. I don't want to push him. I try to keep most of my healing work to myself but throw little hints to him on occassion, like leaving one of my books out for him to see. I don't want him to go through what i have went through over the last few years. Am i doing the right things? okay, now i have my brother who was also raised by the same perp. HE is killing himself with alcohol and drugs and has severe self image problems. About 6 months ago he asked me over the phone did i think that the perp got to him too. I said yes. That was all that was said until last month when i went to see him. Over shots of wiskey for breakfast we started to have THE conversation, not a good idea. I told him that he was abused by our perp. He said i was crazy and i told him he was in denial. My brother was there when my son showed us what the perp did to him, many years ago. He could not stand up for us. He had a break down and committed a crime to purposefuly go back to prison. Nothing was ever done to the perp do to denial of the abuse and blaming me for putting those thoughts into my childs head. My brother has alot quilt and confusion. For him this is a life or death matter at this time. He has hep c and needs treatment but they won't give him treatment unless he quits drinking. I have survivors guilt because it has messed him up worse than me. I have not spoken to him lately and have tried not to say too much about what i am going through because it causes him to do more damage to himself. He can't take it. I don't want my brother to die. How can i help him? I believe that when a boy is abused it effects them worse than girls atleast it has for my brother. I know this is long but i need help. I am confused and hurt. I am mourning my own child inside and know how painful that is. How can i help these men without causing more damage to any of us. thank you sis
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Sis,

I am so sorry all this is happening to you and around you; the pressure of it all must be unbelievable. My own suggestion would be that you need to take care of yourself first. I know you want and need to help others, but in order to do this effectively you will need your own strength and confidence, right?

Concerning your son and brother, the basic problem now seems to be that they aren't ready to face their issues and seek help. A very hard reality of recovery is that the survivor has to make all the decisions himself; he has to admit he's in trouble, decide to get help, and then commit to the work that needs to be done. Unfortunately none of this can be rushed.

Others may have better ideas for you, but at the moment all I can think of is be frank about what you know, let them see that you care and are ready to listen to them and believe them, assure them that they are not to blame for anything that happened, and perhaps show them a good book on the subject. You can keep sending this message, but after that it's up to them.

You are right to be cautious about websites for survivors. This one is the best in my view. It's run by volunteers, but on a professional level - the Board of Directors and admin team include lawyers, therapists, and police officers and FBI agents who work with child abuse cases. The site is heavily monitored to keep us all safe here, and I think it would be a great thing for your son and brother to check us out.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thank you sb and larry
I had a very hard day yesterday. I am an alcoholic and have not been drinking. yesterday the pressure was too much and i drank 2 beers and it always causes problems in my family, which it did. Yes i have been carring this burden for my family alone for years. I tried to relay to my mom yesterday that i wanted her to keep her husband away from me and my children. She shot me down as usual. she said that my son was a grown man and he could make his own decissions. After losing it yesterday, crying, etc... causing my son to have a panick attack and not be able to sleep and missing work today. My son agreed to wwrite her a letter requesting that she not bring the perp around him anymore. None of this has been easy. I tried to commit suicide in april and was on life support for a while. I just gave up. I can't keep hurting myself or my kids. It was a miracle that i lived. I had it set up to where nobody would know what i was doing. I went to a motel. My frriend had a bad feeling and sent someone to check on me from another county. I was not breathing but here i am. for a reason i suppose. if for nothing else not to cause my family any more pain. My children are great kids who don't deserve this crap. anyway than yu for your support. Universal luv, sis
 
Sis,

I don't even know what to say except that I'm so sorry for the hurt you and your family are sufferring.

Please take care of yourself Sis, if you don't, then each of the people you are trying to hold up will simply fall with you.

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
Thank You Trish. And yes, I am standing up again. A little off center but i won't give up. universal luv
Sis
 
Good for you! And btw, there's nothing wrong with a little off center ;)

ROCK ON......Trish
 
Sis,

"Off-center" rules girl!!!!! :)

Wobbling along, but still, much love,
Larry
 
Sis,

I've read through this thread and am moved with compassion for you and the situation you find yourself in. The others have shared excellent advise with you regarding your male family members which I won't bother to repeat to you except to say that all you can do is love them where they are and be ready to share when they indicate they are ready to move forward.

And yes, off center is REAL good! Normal people frighten me! :D

Lots of love,

John
 
Thank you John
I agree with you about normal people being frightening !!! The "normal" ones that i have had the displeasure of meeting are My mom and our perp., her husband. My cousin who is a "normal" school teacher who has never believed me about our abuse and others who at some point should have seen the signs that me and my brother were being brutalized at home and done something. I have felt sorry for any child in crisis that has my cousin for a teacher because there will be no help for them, not from her (scary). I have good news. I talked to my brother last night briefly and he said that he is trying not to drink. I'll take (TRYING) anyday, Right on !! I am talking more openly with my son about what i am going through and he is being very supportive and he is not as fragile as i see him. He is my son. I love him and will always feel the need to protect him from any harm. Also, i gave your site addy to the maale survivor i spoke of in my first post. It has not been released to our posting site yet because we only have one person reviewing our posts but he will get it and i am sure that he will feel as safe as i do here. I have one more thing to share. I was told that i had to inform my mom, which i have tried many times, that i wanted her to respect my wishes, and keep her creepy husband away from my kids. Before i can get an order of protection to keep him away. She did what she always does and said that my son was a grown man who could make his own decisions and hung up on me, after saying that, she threw in, I am at work and i refuse to talk to you about this here. There has always been an excuse for her not to talk to me. Bcause i was angry, she was at work, just got home from work, i was drunk, anything to shoot me down and not have to listen. So what i did was, and i hope i don't get myself in trouble for this, is called and left a message on her supervisors answering machine. I told her that Rita, who is somewhat of an official, was not what she appearred to be. That her husband was a child mollester who uses animals and torture to commit his crimes against children and that she allows it to happen. I did this the other day when i had lost it. I am angry and it is time that i start putting that anger where in belongs. I have always turned it inward and we all know how damaging that is. My friend, who is an attorney suggested that i have my son write a letter to my mom telling heer to keep him away, he has agreed. He told me tht i would be able to get an order of protection for my 2 youngest kids because they are minors but would have a difficult time getting one for my oldest son because he is an adult.My two youngest children live in a different state and he has never been able to get his hands on them but mere thought of him being able to even see them thows my into a panic. Anyway, thank you for being here for me. yu guys have been great. sent with universal love and support. SIS
 
To any male survivor who can give support. this is sis. I am alittle more stable and doing better. I had worried so much about my family that i had made health issues worse. day before yesterday i wanted to drink, but did not. i cried instead. my sweet son and i are actually really talking. not about the abuse per se, but about the effects of PTSD and his showing signs. much progress. I am glad that there is thise group, for when he is ready i have a place to send him. His blood pressure was high yesterday and after we were able to talk about the effects of trauma on the body, in a non specific way. his BP normalized. i just reafirmed how talking and getting things out helped our health. I am doing some exerces that bring more light into my body and in doing so and transmuting some of my anger into possitive action. I feel that things are going to be okay with my family as long as i take care of myself. i am not counting on any thing from my son yet but i have a feeling that he will be reaching out for answers of his own someday. i am his mom and possibly too emotionaly involed to be of much service to him, other than by example. when he is ready he will need other men. thank you, things are looking up. sis
 
Sis,

I am so glad you are able to let all these things out here in F&F. I personally think it's so tremendously important to talk, and you yourself comment on how much it has done for your health.

I am also glad to see you are doing more to take care of yourself. We often neglect that in our efforts to help others, but the simple fact is that we can hardly help others much when we ourselves are in bad shape. When I say I have to be strong for myself first I'm being practical, not selfish.

I too hope that your son will come here and talk about his issues. That first step is hard, but so important. But don't think you are "too emotionally involved to be of much service to him". My mother's concern and love is vital to me, and I see no reason why your son would feel differently about your role.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,
Thank you for getting back so soon. Our women's on line support has only one moderator and sometimes she dosn't post for a while, nothing posted since yesterday morn. On-line support is all i have for support at this time. I started my recovery for PTSD about 6 months ago. In treatment my counselor would ask me where i was when we would talk. i said, i am right here, what do you mean? I had seen a picture of a child on the wall in one of our process groups. I had seen this picture many times before, a normal pic. one day i glanced at the picture and it became this little girl being abused. I could'nt believe my eyes. I went to my couselor and told of my experience and that i didn't understand. I told her that i didn't understand anything that was happening to me. she told me point blank, that was you. I broke down. yes i do understand now what she meant when she said i wasn't there. In sept. I re-entered my body on my 42nd birthday. plain as day, i felt it (plunk). Now, i can see her and feel her. when i drank the other day, she left again. she's back. it dosn't take much for her to leave. the reason i am bringing this up is because the other day i could'nt believe this was real, but i know it is. OMG! No body but another survivor would believe me without thinking i was crazy. I thought my counselor was crazy when she said that. How wrong i was. I have thoughts and emotions that come up daily. I need to get them out or i fear i will lose my mind. I never really cried before and now it seems that i spend most of my mornings doing that. I have been told that it gets better but it feels like i won't ever get through this, yet deep in my soul i know i will, i have to. I do my crying, my soul work while i am alone in the morning so that i can show some kind of strength for my son when he gets home. thank you for extending your hand to me. Sis
 
Dear Sis,
I am so sorry that you have gone through all of this. My heart is with you and your children.
I am also a survivor--a woman and a mother now myself--and I am posting here on this site for the first time as of yesterday. What brought me here was trying to cope with the issues that my boyfriend is having as a survivor. He is now one year into acknowledgment of having been abused as a child, and the devastating effects have been and still are horribly difficult for him, me and us together.
But I am not writing to tell you that, because you know how difficult it has been already. I am writing to tell you that I went through the early stages of my own recovery process about 15 years ago now, and I also could not believe how difficult it was to start down that road. I want to encourage you not to give up on your healing. It is possible, even if the pain is great now, to get much better. You will find that you can take pleasure in so many things, as if you had never seen or heard or felt or tasted them before. Or smelled. I remember one day after a good therapy session, walking into a market and picking up a basket of fresh strawberries, and thinking that I had never smelled them before, ever. That is something I had no idea I was missing. You too can heal. Please give yourself the chance.
And your support for your children is enormously positive. My boyfriend is struggling now with feeling terribly betrayed by his mother who was not emotionally present enough then to be protective of him. It is so much better to try to address this stuff sooner than later.
Please take care of yourself--that helps us all. Please do whatever works for you in maintaining the sobriety. You are worth it!
I must get back to work, but I will be thinking of you from where I am.
Honey Girl
 
Honey Girl
Thank you for the encouraging words. Yes, someday i would like to smell the strawberries too!! The most pain that i suffer is the betrayal of my mother, then and now. I sometimes think it is worse that the actual abuse. Your boyfriend is very fortunate to have a wondeerful person like you on his side. please if you have time i would like to correspond with you in the future. sometimes all i think about is child abuse, sexual abuse, and the like. I need to here that it gets better and that maybe my dreams of having a happy life someday, with my children at my side is possible. thank you again, Sis
 
Sis,

I need to here that it gets better and that maybe my dreams of having a happy life someday, with my children at my side is possible.
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It is possible indeed, and I believe you will get there. But try to take note of the positive things around you even now. My mother has a cool plaque in her kitchen that says it all: "Along the way take time to smell the flowers."

Sometimes it's difficult to do this, but in fact I think it does us a lot of good to refuse to allow abuse to define us, even when that task seems very hard.

Or should I say: ESPECIALLY when that task seems very hard.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thank you Larry
I am amazed at the support that i have recieved from this site (F&F). Even the male survivors that i have recieved posts from have been of the utmost importance to me. You guys are truly a wonderful group. You have not pushed me out because i am female, thank god. I think we all suffer about the same, men or women. I still in my heart think that this type of abuse is harder on men though. The reason being that men are, by our society, told to suck it up, show no emotion, be strong, etc... But as i see it takes great strength to admit that there is a problem and reach out for support. My son is having signs of PTSD and he insists that it has something to do with his heart. He gets pissed when he sees a DR. and they tell him that it is anxiety. He said he going to see another DR. and not tell them that he has ever been diagnosed with anxiety, so they will do the correct tests, etc... I told him yesterday that he is a man and can handle this matter how he sees fit but when he wants the real answers that i have them and when he is ready i would be happy to share that with him. I am an R.N. and i know that they have done the correct tests. When he is ready he will be ready and not a moment sooner. I love that we are able to talk even if it is in code sometimes, (LOL).See, look today is better i can laugh today. What a blessing. My existance is more than our abuse. I intend to smell the flowers today. To take the time to do something that i enjoy. Thank you so much for everything and please don't stop sharing with me. Universal luv, Sis
 
Hi, Sis--
I had just finished what I thought was a great post to you when I lost it! :( Guess that'll teach me to write a longish one and not import it.
Anyway, I will write it out, better, and post it when I get on line later tonight. Have to make some dinner and get set for tomorrow first.
Meanwhile, it is great to hear that you are feeling better today. Hooray!
HG
 
Thank's HG, i am going to take somewhat of a break from this part of my life today. Get rested emotionaly. Tomarrow i have a victims advocate coming to pick me up at 9a to take me to the court house to see if i can get a protective order against my families perp. I need all the strenght i can muster up. Have a Really good day. universa luv, sis
 
Hello Sis,

I hope the meeting at the court house goes well. You're taking a brave step and we're all right there with you.

SB x
 
Sis,

I will be thinking of you and sending you good thoughts today. Stay strong in the knowledge that you are doing what has to be done. I hope all goes well.

Much love,
Larry
 
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