Mother's teaching---Triggers

Mother's teaching---Triggers

Dre

Registrant
So in order for me to be currency, my mother had to teach me sexual tricks at the age of four. She made me give a blow job to a banana. I threw up. She would shove the banana back in my face and I would throw up again, and tell her I don't want to play this game. She told me it wasn't a game and made me suck on that banana for what seemed like hours, until I could basically deep throat that thing without vomiting (fast forwarding to my first actual blow job experience, yeah, I threw up). But then she also had to teach me how to satisfy a woman, and of course, that's what she was. So she trained me on her, which is all kinds of fucked up. I remember her being very satisfied with my performance and telling me that I was ready. Ready for what, I had no idea, I had no idea what her plans were for me, or what was going to be expected of me. I was lucky enough to be oblivious to those plans for a full couple of days before I became currency.
 
Dre, your mother, my grandfather. They sure had their way of what is called grooming, didn't they?
What your mother did was a terrible thing and I find it very courageous that you are able to talk about in here. You were such a small boy. The way she saw you, and my grandfather saw me, was the same. As commodities, currency, objects. Give it a name, but it has forever changed your life. And I am so sorry about that.
 
Dre,
I’m really sorry you had to go through this.
Be gentle on the little boy, you. It was not his fault. He did the best he could and you are now a survivor…
 
@Dre , I don’t know what to say, so I will just be honest. I am so sad and sickened by what she did to you. I am in awe that you survived. You shine with intelligence and positivity. I am so thankful that the core Dre survived. Your sharing not only relieves your pain, but provides hope to so many. With deep respect, I thank you.
 
So in order for me to be currency, my mother had to teach me sexual tricks at the age of four.
HI Dre, Sounds awful. Glad you survived it and can talk about it! What do you mean by "currency". I'm not familiar with this term. Cheers, Garth
 
HI Dre, Sounds awful. Glad you survived it and can talk about it! What do you mean by "currency". I'm not familiar with this term. Cheers, Garth
Garth, my mother essentially pimped me out to pay for her drugs. That's what I mean by the term "Currency", I was basically her credit card.

Thank you all for the responses. This was a hard bit to get out publically and not erase it.
 
Dre, thank you for being comfortable being honest with us. I pray for your healing. I also thank you for making me realize that, although it didn't happen to us in the same ways, I'm not alone. You are very brave and you have your brothers here to support you. I hope you have other supportive people in "real life" as well.
 
This was a hard bit to get out publically and not erase it.
Thanks for your explanation Dre. So sorry to hear about your childhood experiences. Glad you've found the courage to talk about it without erasing. Glad you've survived to speak your truth. Hugs to you. Garth
 
What horror Dre... the foundation of the life you've lived. You received nothing of what a child needs to feel secure in himself and safe in the world. You were given a different skill set that I imagine produced profound shame. I know that is what I was left with even though the sexual abuse by my mother was not so calculated. She was simply trying to manage her own despair and depression. My distress at her unavailability was more than she could handle and so she attempted to calm me down by playing with my genitals. It didn't help... instead, it fragmented me.

We talk about self-worth and it is important to translate the idea of currency that is meaningful to someone else... into the value WE place on ourselves simply because we ARE worthy of love, compassion, kindness. This is what the healing journey is all about. This is what the men here are doing. Be gentle with yourself my friend. Thanks for taking the risk to share your early horror with us. You're not alone with any of it.
 
I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. It's so hard to understand how someone who is supposed to love and protect you can treat you like that.
 
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