Mother's Day

[SubtleStuff]

Hi y'all,

For those of you who were abused by your mothers, I'd like to know how you are experiencing Mother's Day.

I'm going through a number of things. My tendency to please her is very strong... and I'm pretty good at it. There is lots of room for expressing gratitude towards her particularly for the material support she's been offering me as I work on healing myself. I genuinely do feel grateful for her support. Finding a place for my anger, resentment and pain is challenging. She denies that sexual abuse was even possible in our family. Another key family member is a little more sincere in that this member claims to be unable to talk about it. That still leaves no room for me expressing myself openly.

I wish Mother's Day weren't so nicey nice, goody goody, smiles, flowers and chocolate. I'd like for it to have a place where we can express our resentments, our hatred and our pain. Mother wounds go deep. I've been hurt badly in ways that were remarkably well hidden and have strong connections to culturally normal practices. She definitely played a role in that pain whether she (and 99% of all people) wants to admit it or not.

How about you?

Cheers,

S

 

[dark empathy]

Interestingly enough SS I don't think its just abuse victims who have mother issues.

My lady's mother was extremely difficult, domineering, occasionally cruel and diagnosed with a mental illness. Though she was not sexually abusive, and not for the most part physically abusive, or at least not beyond fairly casual and constant slapping which my lady's family practiced rather a lot, both as some weird form of affection and as fairly casual instant punishment, which I actually pretty horrible when she mentioned it.

This isn't to say that her situation was comparable to yours, or any other guys here who experienced abuse by a parent, just that I've heard my lady express very similar whenever someone talks about "the mystic bond between mother and child" or similar, since she never had that.

I do wonder how many people in The states or Caneda buying mothers day cards this weekend might be feeling somewhat ambiguous if not more?

Btw, Mothers day is much earlier in the year in britain, just after easter.

 

[SubtleStuff]

Hi Dark Empathy

Interestingly enough SS I don't think its just abuse victims who have mother issues.

Yes, I agree. There is a quote I read this morning from Hani Miletski's "Mother-Son Incest" book 2007 (pg.39): "Society considers the relationship between a mother and child as sacred (Tolson, 1993b). Mothers are more of an icon in our society than are priests (Lew 2005)..." This makes criticism of mothers and identification of their hurtful/neglectful behaviours virtually impossible in spite of the deep damage it does. It also keeps the status quo in place at a very deep level.

I do wonder how many people in the States or Canada buying mothers day cards this weekend might be feeling somewhat ambiguous if not more?

I'M feeling very ambiguous. It's not so much the flowers, card and celebrating that bother me, it's the lack of place for my reality, my story, and for the company of people who are actively seeking solutions. This forum is the only place I get to speak openly about what happened to me and the effects it continues to exert on me.

Another quote from Mike Lew, Victims No Longer 2004 (pg. 61): " A boy who talks about having been sexually abused by a woman is often greeted by dibelief, denial, trivializing, and romantisizing of his story by police, doctors, therapists, media, and the general public. Faced with a society that seems to be celebrating his pain, the child victim is unlikely to risk talking about it....Being victimized by a woman appears to produce an added level of shame; men are more likely to blame themselves or discount it as not really being abuse."

I'm sure most men in this forum will identify with this. He goes on:

"This is especially true when the perpetrator is the survivor's mother."

I'm glad this forum here exists. At least I get to express my ambiguity somewhere. It helps me feel my pain and my sadness. My life is far from ideal and I'm clear that the mothering I received in my youth has played a significant role in that outcome.

In my dream youth, I would have had the freedom to choose the woman who would care for me. If I had had any intelligence (I am told I have a fair amount as an adult), I would have chosen someone else and left my mother to her misery. It would have been better for both of us. I don't think my mother loved being a mother. I think she thought of it as a duty... a role that she had no way to escape.

Thanks for giving me a chance to write. I need it today.

Sincerely,

S

 

[Chris4TheMill]

There is a post by Lee in the Male Survivors section called "Thanks for No-f-ingThing!" which is about Mother's Day and the problem some of us have with it. I wrote about some of my own story in that post.

Mother's Day (and Father's Day for that matter) have always been over-sentimentalized denials of reality for many people. What makes it worse, as Kevin said in the MS post, is that there is so much societal pressure to conform to these artificial "holidays," when as Subtle Stuff has said, what some of us really need is a place to express the pain that our mothers or fathers inflicted on us, and have that acknowledged somehow. Some of us are expected to honor our parents when inside, they snuffed out our spirits.

I believe that many mothers have been able to take advantage of their exalted position by getting away with portraying themselves as saints while they have been anything but. They can pretend they are what they are not, and walk around being honored while what they really need is a reality check. In that sense I just realized they are much like the Pharisees of the New Testament.


But I realize this will not change on any kind of global basis. Ultimately it is up to us to learn to deal with our respective mothers, stepmothers, aunts, pseudo mothers, etc. in a way that will enable us to break out of the unreality trap. There came a time when I was not willing to play the game anymore and stay silent about certain abuse from a female family member. That lead to a showdown, and I did not talk to her for a few years. But everyone will have a different situation and how they handle it. The important thing is to speak the truth somewhere, and not just force yourself to always play the game. Because that takes a toll after awhile. I have found that speaking the truth, even if it's messy, sets you free from a lot of pent-up anger.

 

[FormerTexan]

Hi Subtle.

Most of the time, I go back and forth between being sympathetic of my mother's horrific childhood and being horribly angry with her. Today is nothing but disgust and anger with her.

The endless Mother's Day memes on Facebook make me feel robbed and angry. I get so tired of reading "I miss my mom" on there. I say nothing though because I don't want to take away from those who DID have good mothers.

Sorry my post isn't very in-depth, but it's just way things are.

Andy

 

[payne]

Thanks for bringing up this subject. Mother's day means nothing concerning my mother who abused me.I have not felt like doing anything today.

 

[SubtleStuff]

Thanks Chris, Andy and Payne,

It's great to hear from you. It helps me feel less alone.

I survived the day. I did what I thought was needed and respectful. If I had flatly refused to participate or lied that I wasn't physically up to it, it would have created a scene that would have turned into a "he's such an ungrateful creep", but I'm (mother and other female family member) a saint and will struggle on anyways. That wouldn't have served me well.

In the end, I withdrew from doing one thing that I thought was overkill. That felt good. I did the things I thought necessary but my heart wasn't in it. I felt deeply sad. I managed to stay away from the pleasing behaviours that I am very prone to doing. It's the infant in me trying to get some affection in a very futile way. Mike Lew calls them "Frozen needs" in his book (pg 190) and stresses the need to relinquish them. Thanks Chris for drawing my attention to this. I first saw my longing at this level when I tried to get a community project going a couple of years ago. More recently, I saw it in the dynamic with my ex-wife. Today, I saw it with my mother. I didn't feel angry, just very sad. It's hard for me to be around people who at a crucial level weren't there for me and still aren't. There is something odd about going through a meaningless ritual when in prior years I would put much more emotional energy into it.

I'm glad it's over. Glad I can turn my attention to things that are more likely to serve me well. Glad for this forum and your presence here. Glad I've seen what I've seen.

I hope you all survived the day too and took good care of yourselves.

Sincerely,

S

 

[Chris4TheMill]

SubtleStuff,

Sounds like you demonstrated a new sense of dignity and strength this go-round with the two of them. I hope you can find some encouragement in that. Yes, it is not easy. But I find that the more I am willing to care for myself and set boundaries and not take as much crap as I used to, then other people's behaviors don't bother me quite as much. Maybe that's because I know I have choices now. And that they are not more powerful than I like I used to think. And they can't just do what they want anymore and I'll just cave. No, I stand up to them. I can out-debate them for the most part.

But me too, I'm glad this day is over.

I did o.k. today. I was with my aunt, cousin (her son) and his girlfriend. We went to a local Italian restaurant which was pretty decent. Aunt made a couple critical comments but I decided to just overlook them. I am convinced she makes these cutting comments about other people because she cannot accept or love herself.

Afterward, my cousin's girlfriend (I'll call her Ann) and I took a walk and had a talk. I told her some of the things that were bothering me lately about my aunt. What was very helpful is that Ann was not only sympathetic and understanding, but offered some helpful insights.

It was also good because I didn't feel so alone, because Ann has seen the same things over the years so my experiences were validated.


Best to all,

Chris

 

[SubtleStuff]

Thanks Chris!

Thanks for your support. I'm glad you were able to make some healthy progress on this day too. We did it!

Sincerely,

S

 

[SubtleStuff]

Hi Chris,

One thing this day has shown me is the importance of becoming less dependent on the support I receive from family. Currently my health is so poor I am unable to work and material family support is crucial to my healing and survival. They don't, however, have room in their minds for addressing the issues that have affected me deeply. The family dynamic of my youth depended on me propping up my mother emotionally because support for her emotional health was lacking elsewhere and staying vulnerable to her anger at men because she wasn't finding a way to transform that anger in a healthy way and/or address the sources of her anger directly. As far as I can tell, that dynamic is still in place and they have little interest in positive change.

I'm learning to disconnect from the survival needs of the infant I was (safe, warm hearted, nurturing social environment) and would like to become independent of family materially as well. It was the survival needs of the infant I was that got me sucked into their unhealthy family dynamic. This day certainly increased my resolve to pursue this direction.

I was always fairly independent/isolated as a youth. Now I know why.

Cheers,

S

 

[Chris4TheMill]

They don't, however, have room in their minds for addressing the issues that have affected me deeply.

SubtleStuff,

The above is a really good insight. I would say exactly the same, but how I usually frame it is, they both lack the capacity and the willingness to address my emotional issues.

It's sad but it is what it is. I have a therapist for that, friends, and God to talk to and those will do fine.

I have been staying with my aunt for the past few months recovering from various surgeries. She's good with material support, but terrible with emotional support. She is critical much of the time, although I do get a compliment here and there. She does not know how to encourage. If I bring up a heavy topic, she usually tries to minimize my concern or changes the subject.

We have argued about these issues many times, and she has changed a bit. For example, she knows she can no longer get away with the "why are you so focused on the past, just forget about it and move on with your life, blah blah." I have torn that statement apart a few times.

I am trying to accept where and who she is. This is all she is capable of. It is what it is. It helps greatly that I have other people to talk to - about her, about my issues, etc. With other emotional support, I am not dependent on family for that. Meanwhile, we get along as best as we can and I am grateful for the material support.

Of course we wish we could lean on family for emotional support and healing. We know that other people have it. We see it portrayed in movies, T.V. shows, etc. It does exist, I have seen families where it does. But some of us have to learn to find another way. That may suck but it is possible.

I wish you the best with your new resolve toward greater independence.


Cheers,

Chris

 

[SubtleStuff]

Thanks Chris,

I like the way you frame it. They ARE committed to things that take precedence over my well being. I'm not sure how conscious that decision of theirs is, but it's clearly happening.

I've been finding that the lack of support I experience in family also extends to the whole community here. It fits with what I grew up in. The community of my youth was small, extremely conservative and very committed to the status quo. I can't move but I am seeking (and have found) support from outside this community. This forum is one of those avenues.

Thanks for your support. Best wishes on your efforts to pursue full healing.

Sincerely,

S