Mother's Day Was Disturbing but Healing
This was a special Mother's Day, a day of cleansing the soul and unburying to others what Dad lived at our hands. Writing this helps to cleanse my soul
This Mothers Day was difficult but fruitful for my family. For years we celebrated Mama on this day. We obediently and dutifully thanked her for all she did and over the past year we have reflected back on the reality of what we lived. Mama was a good person caught in the crossfires of her own family, a family that controlled and manipulated her most of her life. She loved her mother so deeply, but it was not only love but her mothers way of control through guilt that held Mama so close. Unfortunately Mama learned the art of guilt. Mama learned love thy sisters and brothers above all, they were with you from the beginning of time. Mama took this to an extreme and her siblings could see this love and took advantage of Mama. Their actions destroyed many lives. Mamas family lived life by promoting themselves as good and above others. Their days were filled with making fun of other families misfortunes or challenges. For Mamas family in their eyes were perfect. They were basically good but like everyone they had their issues. Their issues ran over into my family and destroyed many lives and dreams. I do not believe they intended this to happen but selfishness prevailed.
On this Mothers Day Mama made a revelation, one that seemed all surreal and without provocation. She said to her 3 children and their families before dinner this is the first honest Mothers Day we have ever had as a family. Mama went on to tell us she has realized many ideals on how to live life were not what she thought and were formed from her upbringing that did not allow her to learn to love her spouse first, above parents and siblings or to put her children before them. She said she understands her mother, our grandma, lived life the same way. Grandma took care of grandpa but when her mother was surrounded by her siblings, grandpa was a persona non grata. They would make fun of him or say things they knew aggravated grandpa. She said we all laughed and dismissed your grandpa when he left the room or table. She said he spent too many cold winter nights sitting in the park to get away from the silly talk. Mama said the talk was not healthy and children should not learn to make fun of others all the time. Mama said she cannot believe how many times she laughed at the same silly story which was told time and time again. Mama said these stories made us feel better than other families. We could never be honest with each other. Mama said she sees families where brothers and sisters fight and make up. This is healthy. Mama said we did not fight we did the cold shoulder and would beg them to forgive us. Mama said it was not healthy. We never could express ourselves honestly and openly. Mama said she loved her brothers but now understands the teasing and telling stories that were not true and believing her brothers was their way to control her. They would laugh and call me (Mama) stupid for believing these stories. Mama said she would laugh just as her mother would laugh when her brothers did it to her. Mama said I learned to be stupid around my family. She said your Dad did not do that and for some reason it made me lash out at him.
Mama said she left us to take care of grandma because she felt it was her duty and because her sisters and brothers expected her to be there. She said only now does she accept her first duty should have been her husband, who had suffered a heart attack, and then her children. She said she screwed it up and destroyed so many people especially your Dad and our lives.
My brother, and this was the first time he was with Mama at a family gathering since group sessions began, jumped in. He has a keen memory for everything that happened during the days he was taken with Mama to grandmas house when she was sick. He said he remembered the nights, which were most nights, when the brothers and sisters would eat late and have drinks. Some of the brothers and sisters had just returned from work or activities with their children. My brother described how they talked about people and said he learned people were stupid from them. He said the talks about Dad seemed as though his heart attack was faked and he could take care of the children. He told Mama when you said you had to get home, one of the aunts or uncles would say, you need to stay here because grandma has a doctors appointment or they had something to do and she needed to be there. My brother said he never remembers Mama saying, why cant one of you go or take some time off. Instead the brothers and sisters would say we cant do everything so you need to stay. My brother said the only one who said Mama should be home was grandpa and like usual they said he did not know what he was talking about. Grandma would say having me (my brother) there made her happy. He was missing school and being around children his own age. My brother said I missed that part of my childhood because of you. Instead you taught me to love you like you loved your mother and brothers and sisters. Never showing me how to love Dad. Instead my brother learned to make fun of Dad and everything he did from listening to Mamas brothers and sisters. They did not always say words but their actions of keeping you away from Dad made me believe there was something wrong with Dad. He finally said, I was never allowed to have a relationship with Dad because of being separated from him all the time. I was young and that is when you learn to love a Dad. I saw how grandpa was treated and I thought Dad had to be treated that way.
Mama started to sob and said she was sorry and wrong for what she did. Mama continued and said I used you to feel better about myself. I guess I knew it was wrong to leave you and your Dad and I could not admit it. I became jealous when I returned and saw how much your Dad meant to you and how you relied on him. I was not use to this because grandma was always the center of the childrens life and I needed to be the center of your life. I saw your Dad was struggling and it was my opportunity. He never said what was troubling him. I know I should have been more compassionate with him. I should never had pushed him away when he asked for help or struggling financially. His weaknesses allowed me to put him down in front of you. This allowed you (the children) to see he was a bad person. I used this to my advantage. Mama said the notes he wrote asking for help should not have been shared with you nor the discussions about our private lives. Mama said she never stuck by Dad. If Dad said something to the children Mama jumped in and sided with the children. He needed help and I turned against him. I ran from him when grandpa was sick and grandpa told me to get back home. Grandpa saw something was wrong, the only one in the family looking out for Dad. The rest expected me to be there so their lives could go on.
Mama said a good mother would not have allowed her children to do to Dad what was done. She spoke of oatmeal being thrown on him, first spitting on Dad and then throwing other bodily fluids on him, group gang ups and screaming at Dad, making Dad feel unwelcomed at the table and Mama said this was normal to her because they did this to grandpa, locking him out of the house, destroying his personal items that meant so much to him (and lying that they did not do it) and it went on. Mama never spoke of the specifics before today. She remembered some I had forgotten. Mama said it was extremely abusive but served what she needed to be loved by us.
My children and the nieces and nephew were stunned. They asked, how could we do such cruel things to a person? I was lost for words and never expected Mama to talk about what we did to Dad. My brother stepped in and said we were not well. Mama had emotional issues because she lost her mother and thought she was losing her children to Dad. She needed love. Mama said yes. My brother said the emotional issues spilt over to the children, we felt abandoned by Mama and wanted her back in our life. We did not want Mama to leave and somehow Dad became the enemy. Mama said he was the enemy to the childrens love for her, which was wrong. How did it get so out of control my daughter asked us? My brother said once it started it took on a life of its own. We would laugh at what we did. It was totally wrong my brother added. We needed help and Dad said we needed help but Mama and her family said it was Dad who needed help.
Dad nearly imploded and my brother said we now know why. He suffered sexual abuse as a child. We did not know of the sexual abuse and we forced his mind to escape. He would dissociate because we triggered these events. The way we treated Dad would have killed most people but to have the internal battles was too much for his mind to handle. Dad escaped and his mind thought the acts of the abuse would bring him peace and love. It was his only way to cope but he did not do it consciously my brother said. The doctors have said his loss of self was real. My brother said I am so ashamed of what he did to Dad. I thought it was funny he said, and when Mama and we joined in and laughed he thought it was the right thing. Grandpa was treated poorly but nowhere as near as we treated Dad. Mama jumped in and said even though it was not as bad, her family reinforced this behavior by example. I said I am disgusted when I think of what we did, it was wrong. We had some level of undiagnosed mental illness in the family that went untreated at the time. Mama said she had emotional issues and depression. I could tell the children thought we were horrible people. I admit if someone told me they did what we did to Dad to their parent, I would have thought they were sick people. We were sick people and it led to abusing Dad, my sisters alcoholism and her emotional issues of trying to live life as Mama did in the old neighborhood in Chicago, giving up her dreams, my brothers anti-social lifestyle and contribution to my nervous breakdown.
We did not know Dad suffered this type of abuse as a child. Mama said, how could he tell me? I had shut him out as he was struggling with such a horrible experience, a secret, as a child. Mama said she listened to her sisters and brothers who talked as though they were doctors and specialists. They knew nothing about his abuse but called him crazy and a liar. Mama said Dad was recreating his abuse because he felt there was more love there than he had with Mama and us. My sister said, just look at what we did to him, would you feel loved? We all said no. Mama said I called him a liar when he said he did not remember anything. Mama said the doctors today have told her Dad most likely did not remember. He was pushed into dissociation to escape the memories of the abuse that we triggered. Mama said I thought he was homosexual. Mama admitted this was wrong but did not understand what he was going through and did what he did. My niece jumped in and said I think the right word is gay. Mama smiled and said thank you. My sister said he had a wonderful life with his new wife who was there for him. My sister said they had a very romantic and happy life in all aspects. My sister said his wifes children said Dad brought their mother much happiness. They would hold hands, sneak into the garden for alone time and the house was off limits one weekend a month. We all smiled and my son said, wonder what they were doing and we all laughed. Mama said her private life with Dad was not Dads fault but rather her stupidity of not being there to help him and fight the demon. She did not know of his abuse. My sister said once he got help and found love he never had a need to recreate the abuse. I said I understand what Dad felt.
My wife asked did you ever have these feelings. I said years ago before I met her. I was lonely and the memories were there. I never acted them out. Once I fell madly in love with my wife I did not feel that emptiness and need to have my abuser in my life. I said to my wife, you made me feel important as though as was the number one in your life. She said I was and that is what marriage is all about. Mama for the first time told my wife she had wonderful examples in my wifes parents. Mama said her parents were good people but her mother did not know how to put grandpa as the priority instead of her mother and siblings. I realize for the love of my wife was help to cure many things. Mama said she should have been here for me and maybe the abuse may not have happened to me. I said it did and the abuser knew I was lonely for my Mama.
My niece jumped in. She is in medical school and said it looks like classic re-traumatization of Dad. She said the current abuse pushed him back into the trauma of the child being abused. He saw the abuser as a more benevolent person than those around him. He fragmented and what he did during those periods will never be understood or known. She said what he may have done is not who he was but rather a small part of him that never processed the trauma of the abuse. Grandpa was just trying to cope and survive, to be loved and in a dissociative state he escaped the pain. She told us many survivors in some form try to recreate the abuse for various reasons, to cope, to survive, to feel in control. She said everything our doctors have told us. My niece said it is sad when you go to the hospitals and hear doctors and nurses talk about trauma. They are stuck in 20 year old thinking, they have not remained current. What they tell families only further damages the families and the person who is reliving their trauma. She said they should not practice what they do not understand. Pretty clever young woman.
My son asked why did you tell us this, Mama said it was important for us to understand why we were going to counseling, individual and group, and my brother added why I tried to take my own life. My brother said it became too much for him, burying these secrets and somewhere in him he felt shame and guilt for what he had done to Dad. My wife stepped in and said to the children, they are human and they are not perfect and to admit their mistakes will allow them to heal. My wife said it took courage for them to tell you of their behavior. My son said thank you for sharing and how he was happy we were getting the help we needed. My niece held her mother and said how brave she was to have faced the past alone so many years ago and to be helping her brothers and mother to face it today. My niece said I now better understand everything. She told us we showed signs of a child abandoned by a parent. Mama said yes they did. Mama said she never realized those feelings would develop. My niece said to Mama you were gone for weeks and even months over a three/four year period. The children were young and felt abandoned, and she said to Mama you had a choice and you chose your brothers and sisters over your husband and children. Mama said yes. Sadly, for decades we saw nothing wrong with what we did to Dad and denied our feelings of being abandoned.
Mama told us Dad did so much for each of us. I (Mama) was suffering from depression when I returned home. I went to bed for days and your Dad still took care of you, laundry, cooking and making sure you got where you needed to get. I would complain if you had an early activity or a late activity. I jumped in because late activities interfered with your cocktail hour, and Mama said yes. I convinced you he did nothing and I did everything. If you say it enough people believe it. Mama said she learned we were easy to convince because we did not want her to leave again. Mama said the doctors said the children suffered from abandonment issues and fears because I left so many times. You did not want me to leave and this fear allowed me to control and manipulate you to love me. Mama said this is not love, control and guilt are not love. Mama said she did love us and all those Mothers Days when we gathered around her made her feel good.
Mama said you should have spent Fathers Day with your Dad but I kept you from him, reminding you of the bad things he did. My sister said, I did spend Fathers Day with Dad. Mama told my sister she was happy that she had the strength to stand up against her and her family. Your Dad deserved all of you in his life. My brother said he missed so much of Dad and had blamed him for not helping him with expenses. My brother said Dad had every right not to help me, I was abusing him and saw nothing wrong with how I treated him. I could have pushed him to kill himself. My brother said what we did was disgusting and sick. My brother said you do not help a child like that unless the child wants help and not abusing a parent. Mama said she would rant and rave how horrible Dad was for not helping and now she realizes he was right for not helping. Mama said she reinforced these beliefs.
Mama apologized for all she did to hurt Dad so we would love her. My brother said, he accepts what happened. He said the most difficult aspect is remembering everything the aunts and uncles said when he was a child about other people and Dad and their expectations of Mama to leave us behind. He cried for the childhood lost to those people he looked up to and now realizes they looked down at Dad and many others. They took so much from him because they wanted to be with their spouses and children but we and Dad were not important. Mama said I understand why you feel that way.
Mama said let us toast your Dad, (paraphrase) she said to the man that was there for his children when I left, for the man no matter the time of day made sure you were where you needed to be, for the man who only wanted the best for you and pushed you to achieve, for the man that has given much to many and the children at the Center who were fortunate to have a man like your Dad cheering them on and for the man I hurt and destroyed because of blind love for my family. To the man I am happy found the love of a woman who was able to take him out of the depths of abuse created by a horrible man and to our children, who may not realize have many of the good traits and kindness of their Dad.
My niece jumped in and said to grandpa and the many laughs and to grandma who has proven you can teach old dogs new tricks. We laughed and dinner went on. Maybe we have hit that turning point of becoming truly a human family, with flaws and no pretensions of being the perfect family. Maybe Mama is truly becoming the mother she wanted to be. For me it was satisfying to hear her words of my abuse and her sorrow for what happened. I think this is monumental for me in my healing knowing Mama realizes my life may have been different if she had made better decisions concerning her priorities to her husband and children.
It would have been a perfect day if Dad was here to hear these words.
This Mothers Day was difficult but fruitful for my family. For years we celebrated Mama on this day. We obediently and dutifully thanked her for all she did and over the past year we have reflected back on the reality of what we lived. Mama was a good person caught in the crossfires of her own family, a family that controlled and manipulated her most of her life. She loved her mother so deeply, but it was not only love but her mothers way of control through guilt that held Mama so close. Unfortunately Mama learned the art of guilt. Mama learned love thy sisters and brothers above all, they were with you from the beginning of time. Mama took this to an extreme and her siblings could see this love and took advantage of Mama. Their actions destroyed many lives. Mamas family lived life by promoting themselves as good and above others. Their days were filled with making fun of other families misfortunes or challenges. For Mamas family in their eyes were perfect. They were basically good but like everyone they had their issues. Their issues ran over into my family and destroyed many lives and dreams. I do not believe they intended this to happen but selfishness prevailed.
On this Mothers Day Mama made a revelation, one that seemed all surreal and without provocation. She said to her 3 children and their families before dinner this is the first honest Mothers Day we have ever had as a family. Mama went on to tell us she has realized many ideals on how to live life were not what she thought and were formed from her upbringing that did not allow her to learn to love her spouse first, above parents and siblings or to put her children before them. She said she understands her mother, our grandma, lived life the same way. Grandma took care of grandpa but when her mother was surrounded by her siblings, grandpa was a persona non grata. They would make fun of him or say things they knew aggravated grandpa. She said we all laughed and dismissed your grandpa when he left the room or table. She said he spent too many cold winter nights sitting in the park to get away from the silly talk. Mama said the talk was not healthy and children should not learn to make fun of others all the time. Mama said she cannot believe how many times she laughed at the same silly story which was told time and time again. Mama said these stories made us feel better than other families. We could never be honest with each other. Mama said she sees families where brothers and sisters fight and make up. This is healthy. Mama said we did not fight we did the cold shoulder and would beg them to forgive us. Mama said it was not healthy. We never could express ourselves honestly and openly. Mama said she loved her brothers but now understands the teasing and telling stories that were not true and believing her brothers was their way to control her. They would laugh and call me (Mama) stupid for believing these stories. Mama said she would laugh just as her mother would laugh when her brothers did it to her. Mama said I learned to be stupid around my family. She said your Dad did not do that and for some reason it made me lash out at him.
Mama said she left us to take care of grandma because she felt it was her duty and because her sisters and brothers expected her to be there. She said only now does she accept her first duty should have been her husband, who had suffered a heart attack, and then her children. She said she screwed it up and destroyed so many people especially your Dad and our lives.
My brother, and this was the first time he was with Mama at a family gathering since group sessions began, jumped in. He has a keen memory for everything that happened during the days he was taken with Mama to grandmas house when she was sick. He said he remembered the nights, which were most nights, when the brothers and sisters would eat late and have drinks. Some of the brothers and sisters had just returned from work or activities with their children. My brother described how they talked about people and said he learned people were stupid from them. He said the talks about Dad seemed as though his heart attack was faked and he could take care of the children. He told Mama when you said you had to get home, one of the aunts or uncles would say, you need to stay here because grandma has a doctors appointment or they had something to do and she needed to be there. My brother said he never remembers Mama saying, why cant one of you go or take some time off. Instead the brothers and sisters would say we cant do everything so you need to stay. My brother said the only one who said Mama should be home was grandpa and like usual they said he did not know what he was talking about. Grandma would say having me (my brother) there made her happy. He was missing school and being around children his own age. My brother said I missed that part of my childhood because of you. Instead you taught me to love you like you loved your mother and brothers and sisters. Never showing me how to love Dad. Instead my brother learned to make fun of Dad and everything he did from listening to Mamas brothers and sisters. They did not always say words but their actions of keeping you away from Dad made me believe there was something wrong with Dad. He finally said, I was never allowed to have a relationship with Dad because of being separated from him all the time. I was young and that is when you learn to love a Dad. I saw how grandpa was treated and I thought Dad had to be treated that way.
Mama started to sob and said she was sorry and wrong for what she did. Mama continued and said I used you to feel better about myself. I guess I knew it was wrong to leave you and your Dad and I could not admit it. I became jealous when I returned and saw how much your Dad meant to you and how you relied on him. I was not use to this because grandma was always the center of the childrens life and I needed to be the center of your life. I saw your Dad was struggling and it was my opportunity. He never said what was troubling him. I know I should have been more compassionate with him. I should never had pushed him away when he asked for help or struggling financially. His weaknesses allowed me to put him down in front of you. This allowed you (the children) to see he was a bad person. I used this to my advantage. Mama said the notes he wrote asking for help should not have been shared with you nor the discussions about our private lives. Mama said she never stuck by Dad. If Dad said something to the children Mama jumped in and sided with the children. He needed help and I turned against him. I ran from him when grandpa was sick and grandpa told me to get back home. Grandpa saw something was wrong, the only one in the family looking out for Dad. The rest expected me to be there so their lives could go on.
Mama said a good mother would not have allowed her children to do to Dad what was done. She spoke of oatmeal being thrown on him, first spitting on Dad and then throwing other bodily fluids on him, group gang ups and screaming at Dad, making Dad feel unwelcomed at the table and Mama said this was normal to her because they did this to grandpa, locking him out of the house, destroying his personal items that meant so much to him (and lying that they did not do it) and it went on. Mama never spoke of the specifics before today. She remembered some I had forgotten. Mama said it was extremely abusive but served what she needed to be loved by us.
My children and the nieces and nephew were stunned. They asked, how could we do such cruel things to a person? I was lost for words and never expected Mama to talk about what we did to Dad. My brother stepped in and said we were not well. Mama had emotional issues because she lost her mother and thought she was losing her children to Dad. She needed love. Mama said yes. My brother said the emotional issues spilt over to the children, we felt abandoned by Mama and wanted her back in our life. We did not want Mama to leave and somehow Dad became the enemy. Mama said he was the enemy to the childrens love for her, which was wrong. How did it get so out of control my daughter asked us? My brother said once it started it took on a life of its own. We would laugh at what we did. It was totally wrong my brother added. We needed help and Dad said we needed help but Mama and her family said it was Dad who needed help.
Dad nearly imploded and my brother said we now know why. He suffered sexual abuse as a child. We did not know of the sexual abuse and we forced his mind to escape. He would dissociate because we triggered these events. The way we treated Dad would have killed most people but to have the internal battles was too much for his mind to handle. Dad escaped and his mind thought the acts of the abuse would bring him peace and love. It was his only way to cope but he did not do it consciously my brother said. The doctors have said his loss of self was real. My brother said I am so ashamed of what he did to Dad. I thought it was funny he said, and when Mama and we joined in and laughed he thought it was the right thing. Grandpa was treated poorly but nowhere as near as we treated Dad. Mama jumped in and said even though it was not as bad, her family reinforced this behavior by example. I said I am disgusted when I think of what we did, it was wrong. We had some level of undiagnosed mental illness in the family that went untreated at the time. Mama said she had emotional issues and depression. I could tell the children thought we were horrible people. I admit if someone told me they did what we did to Dad to their parent, I would have thought they were sick people. We were sick people and it led to abusing Dad, my sisters alcoholism and her emotional issues of trying to live life as Mama did in the old neighborhood in Chicago, giving up her dreams, my brothers anti-social lifestyle and contribution to my nervous breakdown.
We did not know Dad suffered this type of abuse as a child. Mama said, how could he tell me? I had shut him out as he was struggling with such a horrible experience, a secret, as a child. Mama said she listened to her sisters and brothers who talked as though they were doctors and specialists. They knew nothing about his abuse but called him crazy and a liar. Mama said Dad was recreating his abuse because he felt there was more love there than he had with Mama and us. My sister said, just look at what we did to him, would you feel loved? We all said no. Mama said I called him a liar when he said he did not remember anything. Mama said the doctors today have told her Dad most likely did not remember. He was pushed into dissociation to escape the memories of the abuse that we triggered. Mama said I thought he was homosexual. Mama admitted this was wrong but did not understand what he was going through and did what he did. My niece jumped in and said I think the right word is gay. Mama smiled and said thank you. My sister said he had a wonderful life with his new wife who was there for him. My sister said they had a very romantic and happy life in all aspects. My sister said his wifes children said Dad brought their mother much happiness. They would hold hands, sneak into the garden for alone time and the house was off limits one weekend a month. We all smiled and my son said, wonder what they were doing and we all laughed. Mama said her private life with Dad was not Dads fault but rather her stupidity of not being there to help him and fight the demon. She did not know of his abuse. My sister said once he got help and found love he never had a need to recreate the abuse. I said I understand what Dad felt.
My wife asked did you ever have these feelings. I said years ago before I met her. I was lonely and the memories were there. I never acted them out. Once I fell madly in love with my wife I did not feel that emptiness and need to have my abuser in my life. I said to my wife, you made me feel important as though as was the number one in your life. She said I was and that is what marriage is all about. Mama for the first time told my wife she had wonderful examples in my wifes parents. Mama said her parents were good people but her mother did not know how to put grandpa as the priority instead of her mother and siblings. I realize for the love of my wife was help to cure many things. Mama said she should have been here for me and maybe the abuse may not have happened to me. I said it did and the abuser knew I was lonely for my Mama.
My niece jumped in. She is in medical school and said it looks like classic re-traumatization of Dad. She said the current abuse pushed him back into the trauma of the child being abused. He saw the abuser as a more benevolent person than those around him. He fragmented and what he did during those periods will never be understood or known. She said what he may have done is not who he was but rather a small part of him that never processed the trauma of the abuse. Grandpa was just trying to cope and survive, to be loved and in a dissociative state he escaped the pain. She told us many survivors in some form try to recreate the abuse for various reasons, to cope, to survive, to feel in control. She said everything our doctors have told us. My niece said it is sad when you go to the hospitals and hear doctors and nurses talk about trauma. They are stuck in 20 year old thinking, they have not remained current. What they tell families only further damages the families and the person who is reliving their trauma. She said they should not practice what they do not understand. Pretty clever young woman.
My son asked why did you tell us this, Mama said it was important for us to understand why we were going to counseling, individual and group, and my brother added why I tried to take my own life. My brother said it became too much for him, burying these secrets and somewhere in him he felt shame and guilt for what he had done to Dad. My wife stepped in and said to the children, they are human and they are not perfect and to admit their mistakes will allow them to heal. My wife said it took courage for them to tell you of their behavior. My son said thank you for sharing and how he was happy we were getting the help we needed. My niece held her mother and said how brave she was to have faced the past alone so many years ago and to be helping her brothers and mother to face it today. My niece said I now better understand everything. She told us we showed signs of a child abandoned by a parent. Mama said yes they did. Mama said she never realized those feelings would develop. My niece said to Mama you were gone for weeks and even months over a three/four year period. The children were young and felt abandoned, and she said to Mama you had a choice and you chose your brothers and sisters over your husband and children. Mama said yes. Sadly, for decades we saw nothing wrong with what we did to Dad and denied our feelings of being abandoned.
Mama told us Dad did so much for each of us. I (Mama) was suffering from depression when I returned home. I went to bed for days and your Dad still took care of you, laundry, cooking and making sure you got where you needed to get. I would complain if you had an early activity or a late activity. I jumped in because late activities interfered with your cocktail hour, and Mama said yes. I convinced you he did nothing and I did everything. If you say it enough people believe it. Mama said she learned we were easy to convince because we did not want her to leave again. Mama said the doctors said the children suffered from abandonment issues and fears because I left so many times. You did not want me to leave and this fear allowed me to control and manipulate you to love me. Mama said this is not love, control and guilt are not love. Mama said she did love us and all those Mothers Days when we gathered around her made her feel good.
Mama said you should have spent Fathers Day with your Dad but I kept you from him, reminding you of the bad things he did. My sister said, I did spend Fathers Day with Dad. Mama told my sister she was happy that she had the strength to stand up against her and her family. Your Dad deserved all of you in his life. My brother said he missed so much of Dad and had blamed him for not helping him with expenses. My brother said Dad had every right not to help me, I was abusing him and saw nothing wrong with how I treated him. I could have pushed him to kill himself. My brother said what we did was disgusting and sick. My brother said you do not help a child like that unless the child wants help and not abusing a parent. Mama said she would rant and rave how horrible Dad was for not helping and now she realizes he was right for not helping. Mama said she reinforced these beliefs.
Mama apologized for all she did to hurt Dad so we would love her. My brother said, he accepts what happened. He said the most difficult aspect is remembering everything the aunts and uncles said when he was a child about other people and Dad and their expectations of Mama to leave us behind. He cried for the childhood lost to those people he looked up to and now realizes they looked down at Dad and many others. They took so much from him because they wanted to be with their spouses and children but we and Dad were not important. Mama said I understand why you feel that way.
Mama said let us toast your Dad, (paraphrase) she said to the man that was there for his children when I left, for the man no matter the time of day made sure you were where you needed to be, for the man who only wanted the best for you and pushed you to achieve, for the man that has given much to many and the children at the Center who were fortunate to have a man like your Dad cheering them on and for the man I hurt and destroyed because of blind love for my family. To the man I am happy found the love of a woman who was able to take him out of the depths of abuse created by a horrible man and to our children, who may not realize have many of the good traits and kindness of their Dad.
My niece jumped in and said to grandpa and the many laughs and to grandma who has proven you can teach old dogs new tricks. We laughed and dinner went on. Maybe we have hit that turning point of becoming truly a human family, with flaws and no pretensions of being the perfect family. Maybe Mama is truly becoming the mother she wanted to be. For me it was satisfying to hear her words of my abuse and her sorrow for what happened. I think this is monumental for me in my healing knowing Mama realizes my life may have been different if she had made better decisions concerning her priorities to her husband and children.
It would have been a perfect day if Dad was here to hear these words.
