Mother's Day 2002-2003-2004

Mother's Day 2002-2003-2004
T

Thad

Registrant
My mother did give me a sense of social conciousness - Here is the proclamation from the first Mother's day.

Julia Ward Howe - First Mother's Day proclamation.
from: https://womenshistory.about.com/library/etext/bl_howe_mother.htm

____________________________________________
Mother's Day Proclamation - 1870 - by Julia Ward Howe

Arise then...women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
"We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

From the voice of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with
Our own. It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe our dishonor,
Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil
At the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God -
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality,
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.
 
Several decades later the Womens' Temperance Movement came up with the bright idea of Prohibition. Heh,heh.
 
True, tinfoil, but it just goes to show that everyone is entitled to be wrong some of the time.

This declaration was important to me because I have been sorting out my feelings about my mother who had abused me. I started to resent what I began to call my own pavlovian political activism as being part of her conditioning and enmeshment. I was not looking forward to Mother's Day.

But when I first heard this declaration, I realized that these ideas about the worth of mankind stand on their own - and that I could at least honor my mother's belief in humanity and her desire for peace (often contrary to popular insanity such as McCarthyism and hyper-patriotism that accompanied the undeclared wars of the 50's, 60's and 70's)

I recognize that my own sense of defending the powerless including and especially children has its roots in the honesty of her beliefs.
 
Hi Thad. I envey you that you can do this. My mother died on Sept 4th,1994. I stopped celebrating Mother's Day in 1959. Christmases,too. Giving her presents meant she'd touch me,hug me,give me a kiss. That I could not bear. If there's any parents out there reading this thinking about doing sex with your kids...you think about that. Think hard.
 
Tinfoil,
I am sorry to hear about the abuse you received - parent abuse is especially hard because of its distruction of a basic bond that should have been there.

My mother died 18 years before I recovered my memories of what had happend 50 years before. Dealing with the her now has been a slow - up and down process - trying to break through the emotional deadness that was/is there.

Mother's Day for me is reserved more for a few women who provided bits of what I should have gotten from my birth mother - she was no mother to me emotionally - I felt ashamed that I did not really love her (but did not know why) and there was no trust there. I have slowly allowed myself to feel how alone I was - and little bits of the anger I buried so completely -

but at the same time I am trying to see what was positive from her -
 
I have a special feeling for my mother on mothers day, because I was pushed aside by her hands so she can continue her drinking. As an eleven year old boy and again at twentythree years old.
Her neglect but still,
I can cry about not having a mother.
Very sad and sometimes I question why?
Why the way she left me or why I'm still crying about her.
fmighell anc ak
 
I am sorry for your pain, fmighell.

I share in your feelings of still wanting a mother that was not there. We were children who did not have the secure love and safety that would allow us to grow up into adults capable of trusting relationships with others - such a loss - I think we still live in that loss because it struck at our foundations of well being.

I don't know how to fill the emotional hole other than to seek the ultimate source of love and connectedness spirtually - at least there I am whole, I belong, I am loved...

[ May 13, 2002: Message edited by: Thad ]
 
Fellow survivors, I too was abused and incested by my mother. I am just now coming to grips with what was done to me and how the wounds affected me then and still do now.

Yesterday was a tough day for me too. My mother is still alive but I was not able to be in contact with her. I am still too hurt and feel too unsafe. But, I made it through the day and I am grateful. And, I made it through my past and I am grateful. With courage and with hope, one day at a time. Sincerely,

rafael :)
 
Mother's day was a difficult time for me. Not because she was my abuser because that was my father. However she wasn't strong enough to take us out the situation because she was herself a victim of domestic violence as well. My father beat her like he beat us! I always thought that she would leave him. And finally on Jan 4, 2002, she did leave him but not by choice as she was killed in a car accident.

It had been 1991 since the last time I talked with her or gotten a letter from her.. all because of my father and his control. So when she was abruptly taken away from this world, I felt a sting and a pain very intense. Yes I am slowly dealing with all of this, but it is hard. Little things really get to me and little things about mother's day really got to me this year.

I miss my Mom... I miss her and just wish so badly I could just talk with her, let her know that I still loved her no matter what happened and just know that she still loved me... While I can talk to her spirit, it is not the same... and the days of being able to see her or talk to her once again are gone forever... There is no second chance for me on this...

As for my father, I can't say anything good about him. He took so much away from me in my life and is not worthy to be called my father!

At least my mom is in a better place now and no longer has to live in fear or pain... but I still miss her.....
 
Mother's Day is always hard for me! My mother who is an alcoholic was the one who walked in on me and my abuser, a male friend of the family. She was drunk and just stood there screaming at ME! Then she slamed the door and left me there with him. He quickly left and she came in to tell me that I was a perverted faggot and no son of her's would be allowed to act like that in her home! She told me that I was disgusting and that I should NEVER tell anyone what I'd done because it was sick and perverted. I didn't tell anyone for almost 20 years and all that time I believed that I was a sick and perverted person. That is the gift my mother gave me and so to find an appropriate gift for her on Mother's Day is a very dificult thing for me to deal with each and every year!
 
That's awful,Ron. I notice reading thru the posts here that alcoholism plays a major part of what we lived thru. I used to get calls from people to come rescue my mother. She'd be drunk again,passed out. The party was over. Everyone was going home. And there was mom,unconscious. I'd go there,pick her up in my arms. A piss soaked unconscious rag doll. Each time,the morning after this happened I'd ask mom about it. She'd deny it happened. I finnally gave up asking.
 
Mother's day last year I posted this - and sick puppy's post reminded of it so I thought I would resurrect it as well.

this year I have mostly been struggling with my ambivalence over how much effort to put into getting my oblivious teenage boys to pay attention to their mother on mother's day (something I have always tried to do despite the fact that I choose their mother more out of my SA symptoms than out of being in the present - and feel like she somehow recreates for me an abusive relationship even though we are not together - no matter what I do with her it makes me feel like I am a kid again - It's mostly her stuff now but I sure can pick em) sigh

...t
 
Thad and all,
I had to think through my options about what to do this past M Day. I didn't call or visit her in the nursing home. I still get pangs of guilt over this and other things related to how I relate to her. More and more I find it harder to want to do anything for her. I wonder if I'm trying to punish her for not protecting me from her husband?
Jer
 
Jer:

Or maybe you are setting appropriate boundaries becuz she didn't protect you from her husband?

Perhaps seeing her brings back the abuse memories with too much power & too much pain?

You have to do what you believe is best for you & your recovery & health bro.

Figuring that out & doing it ain't easy.

So take your time, take it easy on yourself, and take care.

Victor
 
MOTHERS DAY, 2004

I brought this back because I thought it would help me deal with the day.

It made me look at my posts (and those of others) over the last two years about Mothers Day.

2002
but at the same time I am trying to see what was positive from her -
Click to expand...
What first struck me is how in these posts, I had sought to find something (anything?) with which I could join humanity in honoring my mother. In retrospect, it felt like a desperate effort from a child who longed to have a bond that was never there. There was/is no bond and I could never allow anyone else to give me parts of it. I was/am utterly alone. It fuels my sadness-isolation-depression which has ruled my life for so long. Admitting/seeing this is a big step in my recovery.

2003 In my posts the following year I could see the struggle I was having to be in the present for the difficult day. Sadly, it was mostly through getting my boys to honor their mother and was again ruled by my own past.

this year I have mostly been struggling with my ambivalence over how much effort to put into getting my oblivious teenage boys to pay attention to their mother on mother's day (something I have always tried to do despite the fact that I choose their mother more out of my SA symptoms than out of being in the present - and feel like she somehow recreates for me an abusive relationship even though we are not together - no matter what I do with her it makes me feel like I am a kid again - It's mostly her stuff now but I sure can pick em) sigh
Click to expand...
As it turned out my boys resisted my efforts last year entirely and I was bitterly disappointed that they could not honor her in the slightest no contact at all. I resented their inability to respond and projected my own shame for not being able to bond with my mother.

2004 This year, fueled by my resentment from the previous year, I felt compelled to get them to do something My youngest, 17, has a girlfriend who I asked to take both boys out and pick out something. . I justified it to myself as a process of civilizing them as well as an act of compassion toward their mom (despite her hostility toward me) for the isolation she now experiences from her children. (both boys live with me)

I gave the girlfriend $40 and yesterday she called and said she could not get either to go with her to shop. I said we would go, I would drive and that both would go with some complaining, the boys both let me drive them with the girlfriend and her sister to the Mall. When I returned to pick them up, they had bought, with some guidance from the girls, nice scented candles and other things for their mother. When the boys got home, they were reluctant to wrap them and to call their mom to set a time to visit her.

Now, this morning, I woke up with the feeling they will not follow through unless I put pressure on them make some kind of threat

Then it hit me, I was acting out my own conflict with them. The piercing question came to mind How I would have felt being forced to honor my mother?.

I realized that their ambivalence must be related to the abusive way their mother behaved, while not sexual abuse, it was none the less as traumatic for them.

I was forced to examine my own need for them to honor her and how it was more from acting out my own conflict than an honest desire for them to be civilized or for me to deal with the isolation that their mom is experiencing as a consequence of her own behavior. I was being manipulative with them with no understanding of their feelings.

What to do what to do .

(I think I will need to come clean with the boys tell them this was out of my own conflict and apologize for forcing them to honor her. I will tell them they do not have to give her the presents and that I hope they can work out their feelings in their own way.)

For myself, I have arrived at this day with open wounds last Friday in therapy I experienced with full body sensations, a vivid image of my mothers body looming over my little body about to be smothered by her. The image has stayed with me yesterday and this morning with nightmares last night I woke up to the usual onslaught of Its Mothers Day crap resulting in this mornings reexamination of all this.

What a difference the heavy amount of therapy this last year has made I am pealing off another layer of denial I will face today allow the feelings to be felt but not overwhelm and recognize that this trigger/goalpost day will come around again next year giving me a chance to see the progress of my own recovery which, thankfully, shows some growth and healing.
 
Thad
I have no big problems with my mother, although we aren't at all close. I'll still get a Mothers Day present and card though.
So I was reading this topic with little personal interest, until you said about 'taking your boys out to buy presents'

What you said about your realisation that you were 'forcing' them into doing something they didn't want to do just goes to show how much the effects of our abuse affect those around us.

But healing helps us to see what's going on - thankfully !

Dave
 
Thad,

I was never physically incested by my mother. Yet I am struggling with feelings of anger, betrayal, and disconnection toward her. Where was she when I was being sodomized by my grandfather? Then, too, with an alcoholic husband, she turned to me to fill her adult emotional/companionship needs. Heaven forfend that it would become physical though (those Protestant fundamentalist beliefs). But I was just as surely incested by her nonetheless. The hell of it, of course, is that I can't talk to her or express my outrage to her in any fashion: she's been dead nine years.

Tom
 
How to begin? This is my first Mother's day after I began therapy and understand that what my mother did was the equivalent of emotional incest with me. I sent her an e-card but didn't call. I have no idea what to say to her. I don't even want to talk to her right now, but I still love her. When I first told her about my brother molesting me (many years after) the very first thing she said was "Even in Ohio?" where we first lived. I said yes. "And I always thought we had a good life in Ohio." I felt responsible for taking away her good thoughts about our life before Georgia (when 1/2 my nuclear family died in a 3 month period....father and then brother). It was just a little bit before she asked how I was and said she was sorry she didn't know and didn't know I needed protection...but it was too late...that first question kind of ruined the moment. There I was and things seemed to shift to how she was feeling about it. She never got me into therapy, never really talked much about it. When I told her I was finally going into therapy she didn't ask me about any of that for about three weeks, though she and I had spoken via e-mail several times a week. I told her about how deeply ingrained my self loathing was (ostensibly due to my brother's incest, though, we never speak about what she did to me emotionally, though I think now that affected me more). She said (and this is from someone who has known about the incest and abuse for at least 19 years now)..."I knew you were depressed and had low self-esteem. I just couldn't figure out where it came from....." Grrrrr. :( In this "age of Oprah" she didn't know that incest victims often feel low self-esteem? :eek:

Of course I know she was abused physically and sexually (though she wouldn't say that) by her mother. My father was also neglected by his mother and abused physically by his father. What a happy family!

I don't mean to sound angry (though I'm more depressed by them than really angry), the proclamation of mother's day, and things like it, that was printed always seems to make me feel lousy. For several years after school I was inundated with Radical Feminist diatribes from friends and girlfriends (I move around in the Arts world so there are a lot of radical folks around me). I was told how men were responsible for all the wars, all the evils of the world, were suffering from testosterone poisoning. I was told how noble and inherently more gentle and good women were than men...then I'd look at my own family and didn't see that, didn't experience it. I just felt ashamed to be a male of the species. It's taken me years to get a positive view of manhood, but something like that "proclamation" takes me right back to those feelings of being ashamed of what I am. God knows women have a lot of pain in this world. I don't deny that. I don't ignore it, but it won't go away by blaming an entire sex for all the world's problems. Studies show that women can be just as violent and malicious as any man. And, as the Chinese proverb goes, women hold up 1/2 the sky. If they had long ago decided not to participate in the systems that created the wars et al, then they could have stopped it...Of course, the making of women as a They instead of us, just shows how that thought process does not work. No sex is separate from the society or the other. No sex is culpable for all of the sins of the society, when it takes everyone to create it. To place women in the role of "innocent" in the wars of mankind and place the blame solely on men is to make women, well, inhuman non-participants who simply sit back and be nice.

Well, sorry, didn't mean for this to turn into a rant.

Peace to all the good mothers out there and fathers. There's got to be some, right?

Philip
 
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