mother's birthday

mother's birthday
B

bec

Registrant
hello men:

it has been too long since i have posted here. i have been visiting the chatroom regularly but have not made it here.

today is my mother's birthday and i do not feel well. she hurt me deeply for so many years. she emotionally incested me from birth until i tried to put a stop to it.

so far i recall no physical incest but i do not have many memories from my youth. i talked about this to my dr. and he said that the day may come when memories of molestation surface, i.e. when i try being intimate with a partner. well, i will cross that bridge when i get to it and try not to worry today.

another thing the dr. has spoken of is that somehow my psyche/emotions are still tied into her or they have not been able to fully let go of her. i psychologically have not been able to truly let go of her and move on with my life.
it both scares me and angers me to know this.

she is an ill, self-centered creature and i know that for my own wellbeing i must stay away from her yet there is still a part of me that misses her and maybe longs to be emotionally enmeshed with her again.

wow, doesn't that sound sick? i know that it does but i am glad to be aware of it and able to admit it.

so, today will not be a happy one for me but I WILL GET THROUGH IT. yes, i will. and life will go on. yes.

i look forward to seeing my dr. again. he has been out of town for 2.5 wks. i have missed our sessions. i know that i am not well and desparately need help. going to see him is never easy but i know that it is all i have.

i am not on any mind meds nor do i wish to take any again. i am not a part of any groups, private or 12step. so, individual therapy is all i have. i must be brave enough to see it through. i certainly need and deserve the help.

ok, i feel better now that i have written this out. thanks to all who will read it. i have the chatroom open hopeing that someone will stop by. ok. sincerely,


bec :)


ps i am dealing with a desire to browse a porn site at this public pc that i am on. porn is one of the ways that i have tried to lessen my pain over the years. i must be careful. to be caught would be very difficult for me to go through. here's wishing me well.
 
If you are on a public pc, forget the porn. Go to Hubblesite.com--amazing photos, should keep you busy for awhile.
 
Hi Bec,

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your struggles - I too have much the same struggle with my own mom and I know that there are a few other here who do as well

I hope that the day goes as easily as possible for you...

TJ jeff
 
Bec,

It's good to see you here, and I'm glad you posted about your mixed feelings concerning your mother.

What you say doesn't surprise me at all. I hoipe this doesn't sound like a cliche, because I really do believe this - what you are describing is the kind of conflict that is best explained by the idea of our inner child.

The little guy wants his Mommy and doesn't understand why things have gone so wrong, while the big guy realizes the dangers and knows he has to stay away. It's okay to mourn the loss of a relationship with your mother - who would not feel that way?

I once felt as you did about "mind meds" (I called them my "crazy pills"). But Bec, when we need help we have to ask for it, and if meds will help us in some way, then why not? Taking the meds isn't a sign of weakness.

I don't judge anyone who surfs around looking at porn. Most of us have done it - I certainly have. But you know what? Porn was always like alcohol and drugs for me: fine for the moment, but then they dropped me back in the same mess where I started. The only difference was afterwards I felt worse. I like Happenstance's suggestion about the Hubble site, which I have never seen. It isn't easy to break a bad habit and beating ourselves up because it takes awhile just sets us up for more hurt. But it's all just acting out and the effort to be rid of those things - at least in so far as we are using them to relieve our pain - is definitely worth the effort.

Much love,
Larry
 
dear men:

thanks so much for your replies. i appreciate all of your different opinions and points of view. and i appreciate the support and concern.

well, i survived yesterday and her birthday. surprisingly, today in the mail i found two letters/cards my mother sent me. i don't plan on opening them alone. i am going to take them in to my next session with my dr. and share them with him.

i may just ask him to read them and let me know if he feels that it will help for me to read them.

i am hesitant to read them since i expect the same old crap from her: her desire to be pitied and her blaming me for being cruel to her and her ongoing insistence that she can think of nothing that she has done wrong to me.

i am hesitant to read the letters cuz i am trying to protect ME. it hurts for me to give her my best in way of communication, for me to be honest and sincere with her and in return she keeps repeating the same, old, tired, shitty complaints.

it just drains me men and i don't have the desire to deal with it. i am growing tired of it and her.

i believe it may be best for me to cut off all communication with her for the forseeable future in order to protect myself.

i know that i can't rely on her to protect me. she is simply too self-obsessed to show genuine concern for me. maybe my mistake is that i am expecting and hopeing that she can meet me on even ground psychologically and communicate with me as i try to with her.

i truly don't know if she is capable of it. it seems that her ego defenses may be so strong that she just isn't able to meet me where i am psychologically.

and, i am simply talking about her being HONEST and real with me. that is all i seek. that is exactly what i have tried to be with her.

so, i do not feel that i have done wrong by her. and, i do not know if she will ever meet me where i am, meaning open and honest. 'real'. will she ever be real with me? i do not know.

ok. now i feel a little bad for what i have said about her. i believe that she is not well. my dr. called her neurotic. i agree with him. i just want to protect myself and be safe first and foremost.

and the bottom line is that i do not feel safe around her. i do not trust her.

ok men. i am feeling tired. thanks again for reading this. sincerely,


bec
 
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