Mother-Son Shame
NewGerasene
Registrant
In so many ways, I'm so far along on my healing, but this one thing will probably always be a struggle for me.
The background: My mother molested me, mainly when I was a teenager. Nothing too extreme, just kind of touching my thighs or whatever and sorry of touching maybe some other places. She also made comments on how good my developing body looked and sometimes she watched me dress. There was also this other thing, a 1-time incident when I was maybe 11 when she grabbed my penis as kind of a joke. Later, she also gave me things she knew I'd like to look at, a nude calendar, a lingerie catalogue, etc.
A couple of times in the morning, she came to my door while we're all getting ready for the day. She was still dressing, wearing nothing on top, breasts bare. She's talking to me about what time I'll get home or what that's I have or something, but all I can see are her breasts so even though I'm talking to her, I'm not looking at her. I'm looking at the wall or something. It's really uncomfortable.
As I think about it, there are other things, but this gives a picture.
What I hate more than anything is that when I remember this stuff 30-40 years later, I get an erection. It's like it turns me on somehow. I would say it doesn't. Emotionally I wish it didn't happen, but there is the physical response which is sexual.
I find it terrible shameful. I can admit I'm attracted to women. Even though I have some shame related to that, I can accept it.
But to have any kind of erotic feelings at all related to my mother is gross, disrespectful and shameful. I can say what she did was wrong. I can call it abuse. By I feel like my response is just sick.
We talked about this with my psychologist, and theoretically I know all three right answers already. He liked my answers to myself, that it's a natural response, says nothing about whether I wanted it, I was just a kid, etc. But when I'm not a kid, I'm in my 50s, and she's not alive anymore, and I'm just remembering at still get erect, it's hard not to hate myself.
The background: My mother molested me, mainly when I was a teenager. Nothing too extreme, just kind of touching my thighs or whatever and sorry of touching maybe some other places. She also made comments on how good my developing body looked and sometimes she watched me dress. There was also this other thing, a 1-time incident when I was maybe 11 when she grabbed my penis as kind of a joke. Later, she also gave me things she knew I'd like to look at, a nude calendar, a lingerie catalogue, etc.
A couple of times in the morning, she came to my door while we're all getting ready for the day. She was still dressing, wearing nothing on top, breasts bare. She's talking to me about what time I'll get home or what that's I have or something, but all I can see are her breasts so even though I'm talking to her, I'm not looking at her. I'm looking at the wall or something. It's really uncomfortable.
As I think about it, there are other things, but this gives a picture.
What I hate more than anything is that when I remember this stuff 30-40 years later, I get an erection. It's like it turns me on somehow. I would say it doesn't. Emotionally I wish it didn't happen, but there is the physical response which is sexual.
I find it terrible shameful. I can admit I'm attracted to women. Even though I have some shame related to that, I can accept it.
But to have any kind of erotic feelings at all related to my mother is gross, disrespectful and shameful. I can say what she did was wrong. I can call it abuse. By I feel like my response is just sick.
We talked about this with my psychologist, and theoretically I know all three right answers already. He liked my answers to myself, that it's a natural response, says nothing about whether I wanted it, I was just a kid, etc. But when I'm not a kid, I'm in my 50s, and she's not alive anymore, and I'm just remembering at still get erect, it's hard not to hate myself.