Mother-Son Shame

NewGerasene

Registrant
In so many ways, I'm so far along on my healing, but this one thing will probably always be a struggle for me.

The background: My mother molested me, mainly when I was a teenager. Nothing too extreme, just kind of touching my thighs or whatever and sorry of touching maybe some other places. She also made comments on how good my developing body looked and sometimes she watched me dress. There was also this other thing, a 1-time incident when I was maybe 11 when she grabbed my penis as kind of a joke. Later, she also gave me things she knew I'd like to look at, a nude calendar, a lingerie catalogue, etc.

A couple of times in the morning, she came to my door while we're all getting ready for the day. She was still dressing, wearing nothing on top, breasts bare. She's talking to me about what time I'll get home or what that's I have or something, but all I can see are her breasts so even though I'm talking to her, I'm not looking at her. I'm looking at the wall or something. It's really uncomfortable.

As I think about it, there are other things, but this gives a picture.

What I hate more than anything is that when I remember this stuff 30-40 years later, I get an erection. It's like it turns me on somehow. I would say it doesn't. Emotionally I wish it didn't happen, but there is the physical response which is sexual.

I find it terrible shameful. I can admit I'm attracted to women. Even though I have some shame related to that, I can accept it.

But to have any kind of erotic feelings at all related to my mother is gross, disrespectful and shameful. I can say what she did was wrong. I can call it abuse. By I feel like my response is just sick.

We talked about this with my psychologist, and theoretically I know all three right answers already. He liked my answers to myself, that it's a natural response, says nothing about whether I wanted it, I was just a kid, etc. But when I'm not a kid, I'm in my 50s, and she's not alive anymore, and I'm just remembering at still get erect, it's hard not to hate myself.
 

TJ jeff

Moderator
Staff member
NewGerasene - I hear you man - WOW, do I HEAR you on what you wrote - I know that was not easy to write...

I've never really called my mother a sexual abuser of me - just a physical and mental abuser for the first 18 years of my life - but... there certainly were things that were not "normal" when it came to sexual things either

!!!TRIGGER ALERT!!! - Do Not Read below this line if you are not feeling strong...

I know elsewhere in this site I have mentioned the fact that in the house i grew up in that my bedroom had no door (it was basically just the open landing area at the top of the staircase - not even a hallway to seperate my room from the bathroom so everyone always had to go through my bedroom to use the bathroom or to get to their bedrooms (which had doors)) - if I had a dollar for all the times I was seen naked I could probably retire a millionaire - privacy was a word that i did not even know existed until after I'd left that house - add to that the fact that there was no air conditioner (other than the one in my parents bedroom which they kept closed off) so of course i slept in the nude when the temps in that house were over 100 (didn't even have pajama's once my grandparents stopped buying them for christmas presents around age 6) (and I know there were times when my mother would walk over to the bed and stare at my erection while she thought I was asleep and I didn't dare to move) - add to that the fact that my mother had this weird thing with baths (long after i could shower myself my mother still insisted in baths because she said i did not get myself clean enough - she used to come in and scrub me down with a rough old cleaning rag till i was red and oozing - yes, even the private parts - she would use her finger to rub on my skin and if she could get even just a little ball of dead skin to roll up then i wasn't clean enough - took me many many years to understand that just about anyone can rub up a ball of dead skin even after scrubbing and that it doesn't mean that you are still filthy) - add to that the fact that "discipline sessions" were done with my pants and underwear dropped to the floor with me bent over against the staircase - and sometimes I couldn't even pull my pants up to go stand in the corner for hours afterwards - even if guests came over) - add to that the fact that once i hit puberty my mother started making comments about my developing body (it just about makes me sick to think back about the fact that once i got my paper route money and started buying my own clothes that i used to buy bikini underwear (to impress a girl because i had such low self esteem of my body) but... my mother would always comment about them and how good i looked in them and so i felt i had to parade around in them a LOT for her

Sure, I've seen my parents naked many times - my dad actually more than my mother (and she did seem to wear a bra and underwear most of the time - or a house slip that you could see right through) - no, they are not naturists

In the 70's and 80's I just figured that it was "normal" and that all kids had it the same

Yes, I HATE the erection when remembering some of the things that happened

I think what is most important to remember is... We did nothing wrong!!!

Wow - I've said way more than I thought I would - Thank you again - we've got to get this stuff out of us - holding it inside just makes it fester into bigger problems down the road (my T used to say that to me a LOT - and even years later I'm amazed at what i still hold inside)
 

Celtaf

Registrant
How can people not realize how devastating it is to the development of men when mothers or other female caregivers abuse them? That it attacks their very sexuality and sense of self? I felt gut punched reading this; and I felt keenly how when I'm honest I feel sick at the idea of being touched intimately even as I yearn for it.

I am very sorry this happened to both of you, but I am glad you are sharing this. I hope it doesn't sound selfish, but I think with you and others sharing your abuse stories here, I feel less like a freak for feeling messed up. For some of you, it has been even longer as a path of healing.
 

NewGerasene

Registrant
NewGerasene - I hear you man - WOW, do I HEAR you on what you wrote - I know that was not easy to write...

I've never really called my mother a sexual abuser of me - just a physical and mental abuser for the first 18 years of my life - but... there certainly were things that were not "normal" when it came to sexual things either

!!!TRIGGER ALERT!!! - Do Not Read below this line if you are not feeling strong...

I know elsewhere in this site I have mentioned the fact that in the house i grew up in that my bedroom had no door (it was basically just the open landing area at the top of the staircase - not even a hallway to seperate my room from the bathroom so everyone always had to go through my bedroom to use the bathroom or to get to their bedrooms (which had doors)) - if I had a dollar for all the times I was seen naked I could probably retire a millionaire - privacy was a word that i did not even know existed until after I'd left that house - add to that the fact that there was no air conditioner (other than the one in my parents bedroom which they kept closed off) so of course i slept in the nude when the temps in that house were over 100 (didn't even have pajama's once my grandparents stopped buying them for christmas presents around age 6) (and I know there were times when my mother would walk over to the bed and stare at my erection while she thought I was asleep and I didn't dare to move) - add to that the fact that my mother had this weird thing with baths (long after i could shower myself my mother still insisted in baths because she said i did not get myself clean enough - she used to come in and scrub me down with a rough old cleaning rag till i was red and oozing - yes, even the private parts - she would use her finger to rub on my skin and if she could get even just a little ball of dead skin to roll up then i wasn't clean enough - took me many many years to understand that just about anyone can rub up a ball of dead skin even after scrubbing and that it doesn't mean that you are still filthy) - add to that the fact that "discipline sessions" were done with my pants and underwear dropped to the floor with me bent over against the staircase - and sometimes I couldn't even pull my pants up to go stand in the corner for hours afterwards - even if guests came over) - add to that the fact that once i hit puberty my mother started making comments about my developing body (it just about makes me sick to think back about the fact that once i got my paper route money and started buying my own clothes that i used to buy bikini underwear (to impress a girl because i had such low self esteem of my body) but... my mother would always comment about them and how good i looked in them and so i felt i had to parade around in them a LOT for her

Sure, I've seen my parents naked many times - my dad actually more than my mother (and she did seem to wear a bra and underwear most of the time - or a house slip that you could see right through) - no, they are not naturists

In the 70's and 80's I just figured that it was "normal" and that all kids had it the same

Yes, I HATE the erection when remembering some of the things that happened

I think what is most important to remember is... We did nothing wrong!!!

Wow - I've said way more than I thought I would - Thank you again - we've got to get this stuff out of us - holding it inside just makes it fester into bigger problems down the road (my T used to say that to me a LOT - and even years later I'm amazed at what i still hold inside)
Thanks for replying with your own experience. I shudder at what your mom did to you. Our stories are very different, but I can tell you understand me. The thing was hard for me to post, so it was hard to reply to what you wrote. That's why it took a while before I replied to you. Sorry about that. Your reply makes me feel less alone.
 

flying

Registrant
I can relate to a lot here. The stuff my mom did is the hardest to get over. I feel so gross having attractions to her. It made me stuff my sexuality and feel ashamed for liking women.

Combine this with the men who messed with me and I have been a sexually confused guy.

I'm much better than I used to be, and I know who I am. But old thoughts and reactions still haunt me.

Trigger warning

My mom flirted with me and from the age of 3 I felt like she wanted something from me. She would say things like she'd be my girlfriend if she was my age (age 7). She had lots of boyfriends, I saw her having sex with my soon to he stepdad. She invad d my physical space, would blow her breath in my face. Spoiled me at the expense of my sister.

One night I was laying on my back in bed, I had an erection. She came in to say goodnight and sat on my erection. She stayed there for a while, didn't say anything.

When I hit puberty she make comments about my looks, my back. Would give me back rubs. Gave me condoms, wanted me to confide in her about my personal life.

After her and my stepdad divorced she started dating a lot again. She dated one guy who had been a student of hers in the early 70s. I am supposedly named after him.

As an adult she has continued to ignore my boundaries. I had to go a year without speaking to her.

In middle school I wanted to have sex with her and I was scared it would happen if I wasn't careful. She had no boundaries.

There are other things with her. Since age 3 I haven't felt comfortable with her.

I have felt ashamed at times for my sexual feelings towards women, like I'm being bad or something. I have always been attracted to girls/women, but didn't want a girlfriend for a long time because it felt disgusting, stressful, confusing.

This along with the abuse by some men and older teen guys over the years made me wonder if I was gay. I've had so much confusion. It has gotten way better, but it is still a struggle.
 
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TJ jeff

Moderator
Staff member
NewGerasene,

I wanted to reply to what you wrote here

But to have any kind of erotic feelings at all related to my mother is gross, disrespectful and shameful. I can say what she did was wrong. I can call it abuse. By I feel like my response is just sick.

The hard part is in understanding that we never would have had those feelings in the first place had our mothers done things the way they should have

Mentally / Intellectually we know what they did was wrong - but sometimes we NEED to hear it from others - and so I will say...

What your mother did was WRONG!!!

I hope that in time you will hear that from enough people for it to sink in to your inner child
 

edge67

New Registrant
NewGerasene - I hear you man - WOW, do I HEAR you on what you wrote - I know that was not easy to write...

I've never really called my mother a sexual abuser of me - just a physical and mental abuser for the first 18 years of my life - but... there certainly were things that were not "normal" when it came to sexual things either

!!!TRIGGER ALERT!!! - Do Not Read below this line if you are not feeling strong...

I know elsewhere in this site I have mentioned the fact that in the house i grew up in that my bedroom had no door (it was basically just the open landing area at the top of the staircase - not even a hallway to seperate my room from the bathroom so everyone always had to go through my bedroom to use the bathroom or to get to their bedrooms (which had doors)) - if I had a dollar for all the times I was seen naked I could probably retire a millionaire - privacy was a word that i did not even know existed until after I'd left that house - add to that the fact that there was no air conditioner (other than the one in my parents bedroom which they kept closed off) so of course i slept in the nude when the temps in that house were over 100 (didn't even have pajama's once my grandparents stopped buying them for christmas presents around age 6) (and I know there were times when my mother would walk over to the bed and stare at my erection while she thought I was asleep and I didn't dare to move) - add to that the fact that my mother had this weird thing with baths (long after i could shower myself my mother still insisted in baths because she said i did not get myself clean enough - she used to come in and scrub me down with a rough old cleaning rag till i was red and oozing - yes, even the private parts - she would use her finger to rub on my skin and if she could get even just a little ball of dead skin to roll up then i wasn't clean enough - took me many many years to understand that just about anyone can rub up a ball of dead skin even after scrubbing and that it doesn't mean that you are still filthy) - add to that the fact that "discipline sessions" were done with my pants and underwear dropped to the floor with me bent over against the staircase - and sometimes I couldn't even pull my pants up to go stand in the corner for hours afterwards - even if guests came over) - add to that the fact that once i hit puberty my mother started making comments about my developing body (it just about makes me sick to think back about the fact that once i got my paper route money and started buying my own clothes that i used to buy bikini underwear (to impress a girl because i had such low self esteem of my body) but... my mother would always comment about them and how good i looked in them and so i felt i had to parade around in them a LOT for her

Sure, I've seen my parents naked many times - my dad actually more than my mother (and she did seem to wear a bra and underwear most of the time - or a house slip that you could see right through) - no, they are not naturists

In the 70's and 80's I just figured that it was "normal" and that all kids had it the same

Yes, I HATE the erection when remembering some of the things that happened

I think what is most important to remember is... We did nothing wrong!!!

Wow - I've said way more than I thought I would - Thank you again - we've got to get this stuff out of us - holding it inside just makes it fester into bigger problems down the road (my T used to say that to me a LOT - and even years later I'm amazed at what i still hold inside)

That could almost be my story. Some differences, but the baths, the guests, parading around, the comments about my body - that all happened to me. She didn't even try to disguise what she was doing. She told me she liked seeing me naked, and showing me off to her friends, and I was only too happy to oblige. Same era too, '70s and '80s.
 

TJ jeff

Moderator
Staff member
Edge67 - I'm really sorry she did that too you too - it's a different kind of hurt when it comes from your own mother - I've tried explaining it to multiple T's who just don't get the level of hurt - but here in this place - we understand- I hear you - and I get you
 

NewGerasene

Registrant
My brothers and me didn't have pajamas after a certain age, we just sleep in underwear (briefs, not boxers), and that's what we wore all day unless there was a reason to go out. For whatever reason, I had no sense of how revealing that was. I mean, yes, more leg (and Mom did tell me I had sexy legs), but also that you could really make it the parts that were covered up. Odd to think about now. When Mom watched me dress, I kind of posed. It's hard to explain. I think her praise felt good, so I played to it. Now I see better what a sick dynamic that was.

My brain knows it's all her fault, but in my gut, I'm ashamed, sometimes at least.
 

TJ jeff

Moderator
Staff member
I had underwear - hand-me-down tighty whiteys from my brother with skid-marks already installed - would have his name crossed out in the waistband - got bullied many times over that once the kids in gym class noticed - they would strip me down just to check the waistband - not sure why I didn't wear underwear to bed?

Yeah, I kind of posed at times for my mother too in my later years in that house - her comments where about the only good feeling I was getting from her at the time - it's no wonder I craved it

The brain - that's easy to convince - the heart - that takes much longer I've found - sometimes the help of others with similar pasts can speed it up though
 
I know mother-son shame... I was used by my mother to give her orgasms between the ages of 3 and 9. So I know revulsion and rage and disdain for her and shame for myself for defending her and self disgust for giving in to her as a child and for letting her get away with it as an adult. I do not even like the word "mother". In truth I never had one. Thank God, my children have a true mother in my wife. So I do have some blessings in this life along with the pain.
 

Not_our_fault

Registrant
Just remember though that an erection isn’t always arousal.

When I think to some of the things I get erect and it’s because of reliving that moment we still get a physical reaction to that moment. It’s why you hate it afterwards, we all do. But in the moment you are there again and it’s a sign of post traumatic disorder and it’s very common and very normal, don’t be ashamed.
 

une.vie.d.espoir

Registrant
Somehow I really think I'm lucky. My parents were very open and liberal. With us since I remember we/I was doing nudism. What my parents told me about my body is that they valued it that it was very beautiful, my mother sometimes told me that I had a beautiful penis and also beautiful buttocks, but to my knowledge in me it there was nothing that triggered that I was bad inside. It was said with great respect and love. dad goes against him when I was walking around naked in the house or outside I felt I saw in his eyes that when he told me I had a beautiful body, beautiful buttocks, a beautiful penis and beautiful balls, there is something to notice ladle. He said that I was to please a lot of girls but also boys

Take care

Jp
 
subtle/emotional incest sucks. I think my mom stuff messed me up just as much if not more than stuff that happened sexually with my grandfather and the other. I still get the erection yet last week i was talking to my mom and i happen to have a pocket knife in my hand and the thought of just cutting myself. It just like popped in to my head. I messaged my T later on about that as it bothered me a lot. I still love my mom and could never hurt her yet thing are so much different since i started therapy on this stuff.
 

Not_our_fault

Registrant
Somehow I really think I'm lucky. My parents were very open and liberal. With us since I remember we/I was doing nudism. What my parents told me about my body is that they valued it that it was very beautiful, my mother sometimes told me that I had a beautiful penis and also beautiful buttocks, but to my knowledge in me it there was nothing that triggered that I was bad inside. It was said with great respect and love. dad goes against him when I was walking around naked in the house or outside I felt I saw in his eyes that when he told me I had a beautiful body, beautiful buttocks, a beautiful penis and beautiful balls, there is something to notice ladle. He said that I was to please a lot of girls but also boys

Take care

Jp
That’s the thing isn’t it. Just because it’s nudity it doesn’t mean it’s always wrong. I spent time nude on beaches as did many European children of all ages and I too had comments like what you had. Often it was light hearted and I think to make me feel at ease. I remember when I would get spontaneous erections and get told “nice advert” it was just good fun some of that.
 

GarryDex

Registrant
Just remember though that an erection isn’t always arousal.

When I think to some of the things I get erect and it’s because of reliving that moment we still get a physical reaction to that moment. It’s why you hate it afterwards, we all do. But in the moment you are there again and it’s a sign of post traumatic disorder and it’s very common and very normal, don’t be ashamed.
Might be somewhat off-topic. But I have the same memories and sometimes the same sexual harassment that was associated with my assaults by a female. It's really difficult to put out the fact that I gave her control over my body. Throw into the mix that she was sadistic on a very high level not only physically but mentally it really twisted my responses up.

I remember waking up with her wearing a t-shirt and maybe underwear and me in my tighty whities. I would have an erection and be so mad. It was like my body was betraying me. I just wanted to punish myself punch my erection down. I was so manipulated by that point that didn't even dare to masturbate it away. If she woke and saw it, well she had lots of ideas of what she'd do. In the end I usually begged her to make (let) me orgasm.

God I can't even find the courage? To tell you the some of the "bad" things she'd do. It was always accompanied by her humilating me in some way. With her calling me names, threatening to tell my parents that I came as she sodomized me with whatever she used that time. I know that I developed kinks from some of them also. That just layers up the self loathing, humilation and guilt still today.
 

TryingtoHeal

Registrant
Might be somewhat off-topic. But I have the same memories and sometimes the same sexual harassment that was associated with my assaults by a female. It's really difficult to put out the fact that I gave her control over my body. Throw into the mix that she was sadistic on a very high level not only physically but mentally it really twisted my responses up.

I remember waking up with her wearing a t-shirt and maybe underwear and me in my tighty whities. I would have an erection and be so mad. It was like my body was betraying me. I just wanted to punish myself punch my erection down. I was so manipulated by that point that didn't even dare to masturbate it away. If she woke and saw it, well she had lots of ideas of what she'd do. In the end I usually begged her to make (let) me orgasm.

God I can't even find the courage? To tell you the some of the "bad" things she'd do. It was always accompanied by her humilating me in some way. With her calling me names, threatening to tell my parents that I came as she sodomized me with whatever she used that time. I know that I developed kinks from some of them also. That just layers up the self loathing, humilation and guilt still today.
 

TryingtoHeal

Registrant
I can totally relate. I constantly have masochistic fantasy and get so disgusted by it. It's like reliving the abuse over and over. Every sexual thought I have my abuser is always there. I feel like my thoughts have been stolen. My self-loathing is over the top.
 
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