mother-son incest (may trigger)

[Leosha]

I have a friend right now who is starting to realize that things that happened with his mother were not 'ok' or were not her 'teaching' him how to be with women (children do not need to be taught that). He is still very much denying it, and protecting her. He has said few things to me and other friend, and as soon as one of us will say that is wrong, he immediately backs off of it, and says 'never mind' or some such thing. But I think now he is realizing that what happened in childhood (including severe physical abuse by father) resulted in other things happening when he left home as a teenager, and 'choices' he made that really were no choice at all. It is affecting a relationship he is trying to gain right now, and I think he is seeing how it has affected other relationships in the past. I think that there is just added 'oh my god'-ness to it when it is your dam mother. Perhaps it is just a little sharper knife in the back. I am not so sure how to help right now, as I say, he is starting to slowly talk a little, then backs away of it. So I do not want to push. I know that at some point in time, the 'meltdown' will happen. Been through those enough myself and with my other friend. Is hard though, the waiting.

Leosha

 

[SAR]

Leosha

I am not so sure how to help right now, as I say, he is starting to slowly talk a little, then backs away of it. So I do not want to push. I know that at some point in time, the 'meltdown' will happen. Been through those enough myself and with my other friend. Is hard though, the waiting.

Yes it is...
The best you can do is let him know through your actions that he doesn't have to melt down alone-- and hope that he chooses to come to you or someone else who will understand, when it's time for him to finally let go.
You probably know that already, just wanted to put in a word of support.

 

[Caetel]

Leosha,
I think men who have been abused by their mothers can feel even more lonely than other survivors. So maybe you can tell him that he is not alone in this that they are more and more men opening up about it though the taboo is our society is enormous. You can also help him identifying elements of the abuse that he would express in a casual way in a conversation. Mother-Son incest apart from the open sexual acts includes a lot of covert abuse starting at infant age: pathological cleasing (especially rubbing penis, testicules...), incestuous talks like saying "you are my little man", "you will never leave me", mother asking the boy to come to her bed to give her a massage, keeping the boy by her side all the time, not wanting him to have friends around, especially if they are friends.... V'mother even made several references to the fact that she would prefer if he was gay. An incestuous mother can criticize men a lot in front of her son, especially when she talks about their sexual behaviours, desires and ways of expressing their sexuality (this eventually brings up tons of feelings of shame and guilt when the boy starts fantasaizing and masturbating and when he starts having erections. It becomes even worse for the boy when the mother at the heart of the fantasy.
I hope this will help your friend.
Warmest regards
Caro

 

[Caetel]

I am bringing this one back up again for Sparrow. I am so sorry about your horrible so called mother. I think it is a good thing that you, brother and sister are together to confront her. My love V has been abused by his mother and from what I can see, the trauma affected a lot his memories in terms of remembering the abuse.
Tell your brother he is not alone and that he can find support here from the guys and partners+ friends of survivors
Warmest regards to all of you

 

[sparrow]

I thank you all for your kind words - your support means a great deal. I feel very alone out here -- today I learned that our brother was not only victimized by his own mother but by our step brother as well. This step brother also molested us and our father told us that is what we were there for.

We were also abused horribly in foster care before being placed with this sick family.

I do not have any idea what normal is and I think that is probably very sad -- all I have known in terms of family is this sick morass.

My poor brother is finally coming to reality - and I am doing all I can to help him. He cannot even really recover his memories - although he is remembering some stuff and accepting the reality of the incest.

I have spent my life trying to work on recovery and now I am trying to seek some justice and stand with my sister and brother to help with his recovery.

I cannot tell you how sick I feel at the end of the day of more and more revelations of this sickness.

It seems like there is no end to the horror of this abuse and its devestating landscape on the soul.

The worst is that the community condones by its silence -- my parents were and are still considered to be saints -- my father has a school named after him in a prominent community and she -- this monster = well I have often thought of what it will be like to go to her funeral and see the whole town there saying how wonderful she is - --when her three childrens lives lay in ruin at her feet.

I guess I go on here and I am sorry and hope I am not writing on the wrong thread again -- -

Thank you all again -- and I will come here and read and at least know that we are not alone -- -

My love goes out to you -- survivers are heros of spirit because to live through this evil and still have heart and soul and care for people requires great strength and real endurance -- my heart goes out to all of you.

Darlene