Mother son incest: finding my new steps to heal

antonimm1979

Registrant
Hi guys,

As I have written in my introduction, I am a 32 years old Spanish guy. I work as I psychologist in a self-development center and I am a therapist myself.

I want to share my experience with you, cause I am a survivor too. I have been the only son of a middle upper class couple and I have suffered sexual abuse from my mother when I was around 12. My dad, specially in his last years, have had serious problems with alcohol. That is, my family has been disfunctional, but I have only clearly recognised this recently.

Even if I have always known what happened to me, I have experiencied a well-known word here, dissociation. It wasn't until I have been 26 that I have talked for the first time of all about this with a female therapist, the year I lived in France. In 2011 I began a complete psychotherapy with a male therapist specialized in sexual abuse.

This has been a really intense year for me. I work hard in my daily routine, I have began to exercise seriously... and I have confronted my mother (I think this is the right word, confront). Why all of this changes? Two big events: my dad passed away in january due to alcohol and depression and my girlfriend left me before summer. I also moved from one flat to another. Too many changes that made me do this action, to confront my mom, via my therapist.

It was this break up with my girlfriend that gave me the energy to do what I thought it was the right thing, not to hide anything any more. I have told my story to some of my friends, and also I did that to my exgirfriend, B.

Even if I know that I am a resilient person, and I am proud of myself, now I really feel sad. Very sad. I have the disgusting feeling that I have no family at all... and I really miss B. I have no big problem to meet new girls, but for the moment that doesn't fulfill me.

My mother is going to my therapist now, and I don't talk to her. We have decided to tell her that if one day she wants that I approach her again she should follow a therapy herself. Now I wonder which my nexts steps should be...

Thank you , thank you for reading my story.
 
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peroperic2009

Moderator
Hey antonimm1979,
you were very brave to write your story. I'm sorry to hear about abuse by your mother, that must be terrible experience :(
You have had a lot of stress in last year, I hope you've found your inner peace and way to mange it.
You have my hat off because you confronted your mother, that must be very difficult task. I hope she will become aware what she did to you and how wrong her action is. It is good that you have set safe distance to her.
Please share with us further, I hope to see you around.
Be well!

Pero
 

antonimm1979

Registrant
I really acknowledge your words peroperic. Yes, one of the important moments on my therapy was to accept that happened to me from my mother. It is really difficult to understand cause she has never be a violent person, on the other hand we can say she has been an intellectual.

This, an the fact that my family has been a disfunctional one (like many others here). I think that the objective is to keep on going with life, even if the family experience has been a difficult one.

I will keep on telling here how the process goes on, for sure.
 
This is my third attempt at posting--tech problems today. Congratulations on taking working on your healing, antonimm 1979.

I was also abused by my mother. It might have started around 12, but didn't end then.

I am also working in a caring profession. As a protestant minister, I am not a therapist, but I think there is some similarity in some of the things we do.

For me the most important step in healing was believing myself. For a long time I couldn't. I was seeing if my brothers or fathers or anyone would remember something the way I did, and that would confirm everything. They had different responses, but none of them affirmed what I remembered.

Now I know they were wrong. Either they didn't see, or they don't remember. It doesn't matter, I believe myself.

Yes, it happened. No, I am not crazy.

Believing myself was a step to healing, and also a sign that much healing has taken place.

I wish you well. You are not alone.
 

antonimm1979

Registrant
Thank you for answering learningtoremember. I think there is a big connection between having experienced abuse and that we have choseen a profession that deals with helping other people.

Now, it is around one month that I came int this forum and wrote my story. In this time I exchanged a phone call and an email with my mother. It seems that she has began going to a therapist and she told me she wants to beg me for pardon.

It is a great step in all of this, I appreciate that move from her side, but in fact... I dont need that she begs me. Maybe it will be positive for me that she recognise her fault, we will see guys. I will tell you soon how it worked.
 

antonimm1979

Registrant
Hey guys antoni here again. Wow, seven years fom this post, time passes by too fast!

I keep on my recovery in a very different stage. I have contact with my mother in a regular basis. Our relationship we can say it is good. It can seem weird, but one important thing for me has been trying really hard on one side, to be compassive, and in the other side, to work hard in having my own life.

I have a good professional career and now I am beginning a relationship with a girl. She is a transgender girl, full of happiness and desire to have a fulfilled life. I like her.

I'd like to find here people here that has experienced a mother - son incest, or if not, with people that have experienced a non violent types of abuse by a woman. We can help each other, just give me a sign.
 
Hi Antoni,
I'd like to find here people here that has experienced a mother - son incest, or if not, with people that have experienced a non violent types of abuse by a woman. We can help each other, just give me a sign.
I'm in. There were two phases to the abuse/neglect I endured in my youth. The first started in utero and continued in various forms thereafter. It basically consisted of being starved of healthy maternal affection. My mother went through some major emotional traumas around my birth and a few years later. My father was military and the emotional context was very repressive. It wasn't healthy. My mother never fully processed her trauma and simply shut down and struggled with depression throughout my youth. My need for healthy nurturing got ignored. The second phase was when I was in my early teens. My mother clearly sexualized her connection with me in a misguided effort to "educate" me. It was subtle and covert but very damaging. I'm pretty clear that my severe health challenges are related to these events. These days I'm doing much inner child healing work. Some of it is through Lucia Capachione's methods (See also: Get Creative Article, Cat Saunder's article , and Huff Post article ) I've been sharing some of my drawings with another MS member via PM. If you want to join me (or us) let me know and I'll set that up.

My favorite book about mother-son incest is Hani Miletski's

Thanks for writing.

Cheers, Garth
 

antonimm1979

Registrant
Hi Antoni,I'm in. I'm pretty clear that my severe health challenges are related to these events. These days I'm doing much inner child healing work. Some of it is through Lucia Capachione's methods (See also: Get Creative Article, Cat Saunder's article , and Huff Post article ) I've been sharing some of my drawings with another MS member via PM. If you want to join me (or us) let me know and I'll set that up.

My favorite book about mother-son incest is Hani Miletski's
Very interesting recomendations, thans a lot. I also would like to share some recomendations that have served me a lot:

- Psychotherapy. The base of all change. Specially with a cognitive behaviorist therapist. It will help you a lot with every day problems.
- Meditation. Specially one called Metta bhavana. The love for oneself and others. There is a very good guided one:
- Body training. I will help a lot for self steeme
- The book "The emotional incest" of Barbara Love. It healps enormously with every kind of incest
- And the absolute commitment to heal.
 

smc1972

Registrant
I am working to try and deal with this subject well for me was both parents. It helped me being here though taking me years also. Not sure what I can offer but I guess knowing you not the only working on this.
 

lotr

Registrant
I'd like to find here people here that has experienced a mother - son incest, or if not, with people that have experienced a non violent types of abuse by a woman. We can help each other, just give me a sign.
I have, abuse by an alcoholic mother. As others said, you are not alone here, therapy is an important part of recovery.
 
Hi Antoni,
Very interesting recomendations, thans a lot. I also would like to share some recomendations that have served me a lot:
- Meditation. Specially one called Metta bhavana. There is a very good guided one:
Thanks. I like her idea of starting Loving Kindness meditation with an animal.
Cheers,
Garth
 
Appreciate that this thread has been reactivated. Doubtless, this form of trauma is something many of us have experienced in different ways. For me, I'd uncovered troubling events in my early childhood involving my mother decades ago, but it was only within the last five months that I began exploring how those events affected me. When I first encountered them in therapy I simply interpreted them as evidence that my mother was troubled. That was certainly true, but it completely discounted how traumatizing those events might have been for a very small child. Now I understand the term "complex trauma" and accept the profound affect her behavior has had on me my entire life.

So this is a good subject to be considering and certainly something that calls upon each of us to address in our healing journey. I don't have to demonize my mother who is long dead, but then I can't discount the reality of the trauma created by his brokenness. That has been my life to live and to heal. Yes, compassion for self is at the heart of this work. The trauma led to a great deal of suffering and pain. This is mine to heal. I wish us all well.
 
Hi Visitor,
When I first encountered them in therapy I simply interpreted them as evidence that my mother was troubled. That was certainly true, but it completely discounted how traumatizing those events might have been for a very small child. Now I understand the term "complex trauma" and accept the profound affect her behavior has had on me my entire life.
I recently read a book: The Secret Life of the Unborn Child by Thomas Verny. It and a few conversations with my mother gave me a massive amount of insight into the events that likely set me up for a high stress physiology, an insecure bonding pattern and vulnerability to abuse. At first I got rather upset at the hidden and unacknowledged traumas in my very early life. Then I decided that I was going to do a better job of mothering the infant in me than my parents ever did! Work in Progress! :)

Cheers,

Garth
 

flying

Registrant
My issues with my mom are some of the deepest wounds I have. I still deal with the confusion and shame from my childhood with her. Thanks for posting this thread
 
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