mother is a stalker

Jacob S

Registrant
I'm so mad at my mother. So mad that there are so many parts of my life that I can't even analyze logically because they are all wrapped up with her.

The pandemic has actually had a silver-lining in that my mother, my abuser, has backed off trying to get in touch with me. She loves to band-wagon, and was all about the getting warm and fuzzies from being part of the "stay home" crowd. But that got old so she switched to the "covid is a hoax" crowd because that got her more attention. So now she's calling and texting me again about when we can get together.


Seeing her always sends me into a tailspin, unfortunately more-so as I've been more clear in my brain about what happened in my childhood. I shouldn't have to explain why just cutting her off doesnt works, you should be mature enough to trust me I know the situation better than you. But the tldr is when I've tried before she pushes harder to the point where she has has shown up at my house and tried my doors. I say with no exxageration that she is a stalker with all the behavioral criteria that entails, and if you think calling the police and saying "my mother is my stalker" would have any lasting effect, you've never had a stalker. (she's stalked other people too and has the restraining orders to prove it!) So for literally a decade my procedure has been to pro-active in meeting with her for an hour or so once a month, making it implicit but clear that as long as she behaves I won't cut her off completely. I've acclimated her to this schedule and as long as I keep it, she is tolerable. Whenever I've gotten lax, she's started going nuts with demands for more contact. At this point, I haven't seen her since Feb. and have called her twice, and now that's just not cutting it for her. And I'm so loathe to go back. It's amazing how much progress and clarity I've gained without her wrecking my emotional state every 30 days. I don't feel like I can do it. Plus she is really not worth risking getting sick over. I think I can fend her off for a few more weeks, but she will literally show up at my house if I don't eventually agree to meet her. And I don't know if I can.
 
@Jacob S - I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds horrible and it also sounds like your mother sees you as a part of her.

It doesn't sound like you're asking for advice so I won't give any. I'll just sit with you in your anger and unhappiness and hope that something changes.
 
The phrase emotional hostage comes to mind. It always seems easier to escape from outside a situation but much more difficult when you're the person actually in it. You are your own best guide for how to deal with it. Awful mothers are awful. I'm sorry she isn't different. It does sound like you're nearing not being able to take it anymore. Whatever you decide to do is valid.
 
I'm reminded of the time decades ago when I told my mother who lived two thousand miles away that I wouldn't talk to her on the telephone but she was welcome to send letters if she wished. I was deeply engaged in some healing work and needed the space. She fussed and no doubt got angry. A couple of months later she had a heart attack and then a second heart attack. My brother reached out to me and pleaded with me to call her. I finally said I would, less for her than to support him. I always interpreted those two episodes as her response to me... she was saying "you think you can get away from me? Try this!" That, of course, was my fantasy but on some level it was likely true. She'd had a heart attack years before when I was traveling in Europe and the report was she was calling my name, not the name of her first son who was there. Talk about emotional incest to lay atop the sexual trauma she inflicted when I was an infant!

I'm sorry you're contending with this Jacob. I moved two thousand miles away, so I had quite a bit more freedom than you have at the moment. It seems you found a way that is workable by having occasional meetings with her. I remember the epiphany when I realized it was better to go for a four day visit even at a higher airfare than a longer visit. In and out happened so fast there were limited opportunities for the old dynamic to play out. I know you're not asking for advice but I'll make a suggestion for you to consider given the fact Covid is out and about. We're being given advice that we are safer in nature than in enclosed places and that distancing is important. Wearing masks can be significant as well. Even though you mother believes it's all a hoax you're not obliged to join her there. You could suggest/insist that your next meeting happen in a public space... a park with other people about with benches and/or trails to walk. You could wear a surgical mask as recommended but more to provide an extra layer of protection from her. You can imagine this whole exercise as a way to "inoculate" yourself from HER.

I don't know if it was my imagination or not but when my mother finally died it seemed as though the side of my body facing the state where she lived relaxed... We're kindred spirits Jacob. Take exquisite care of yourself.
 

Jacob S

Registrant
It's my birthday today. She's been calling and texting non-stop. I can't do the nice cordial response thing. If I talk to her at all I'm going to have a meltdown. I'm really scared she's going to drive up here. Her idea of "caring."
 
Hope you got through the day without more "caring..."

A belated Happy Birthday to you... hope something about the day was good for you.
 
Happy belated birthday.

mothers can be a challenge especially if things from childhood were issues. I care for mine yet as I have mentioned here and to my T it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard when I have to talk to her at times.

You need to look out for yourself. Yeah easy to say not always easy to do. I wish I had some great way for you to deal with your mom but I am still trying to figure it out myself. I only recently confronted my mom about something from my past was not easy.

Do take care of your self and your needs.
 
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