Mother In Law

Mother In Law
B

beccy

Registrant
Hi all,


for the past six months bf has mostly communicated with his mum and dad via email....they visited briefly last week and everyone was very controlled and it was all ok. I think they were relieved I was pleasant to them. Bf cannot talk to his sister at the moment and she's not seen our kids for about a year.....They all live far away and obviously bf has not been able to visit them.....so it is all sad with our kids being so young and not seeing their Aunty, Grandparents etc.....This si something which is hard to deal with as parents for ourselves reguarding our kids. I did say to his parents when they were her, that if we lived near by I would visit on my own with the kids.......I feel very sad for them all really, but equally i know the reality of the situation right now is just a fact and bf cannot cope with his sister at the moment and no-one(maybe time and more healing) can change that.


My bf can't lean on his parents for any support at all, which is something he's just started to address in therapy. This is all very hard for him. His sister, on the other hand, can and does lean on them and I really get the feeling his mum feels far more sympathy for her, which pisses me off. She is single, with no kids and would very much have loved to have kids, but time is running out for her(age). She is trying to recover from her own abuse and also abusing bf. So, this amounts to much sympathy and worry from grandparents. In comparison to bf, who has me and two kids......they know nothing of all the trauma we've been through at our end. Nothing of the confusion and hell my bf has suffered. Nothing about how all of this has affected our kids. It is also very hard for my bf to carry the guilt of bringing all this out into the open and the impact it's had on the whole family and the halted communications with his sister etc etc.....


So, this morning at 8.45 am, just as we were in the middle of the getting ready to leave for school rush, his mum phoned. First we didn't answer the phone, bf checked the number, then it rang again. Bf was worried why his mum/dad might ring so urgently at that time in the morning........turns out his sister had been round at their parent's house over night in bits. Emotional reck. His mum was all in a destressed state and asking if he could get our daughter to phone his sister tonight to cheer her up. He said she also said maybe I could do it......

I am angry his mum didn't put a bit more thought into how she dealt with this. Why couldn't she have waited till later in the day, when bf would be at work, then she could just speak to me. This is just so horrible for bf. He already worries enough about his sister, he didn't need this as well. His family infuriates me. They are exhasperating!

I don't know why I'm writing this really......


peace
Beccy
 
Dear Beccy:

Sometimes family seems to have tunnel vision. They only see things in a narrow perspective...and only take into consideration their needs/feelings...they miss the concept that when they call or what they request may have an effect on others. It is very frustrating, isn't it? Hang in there!

Best wishes,
s-n-s
 
Thanks s-n-s,


Bf's family are just very dysfunctional, emotionally underdeveloped people. Anyway, I decided to take matters into my own hands(with bf's ok). I've organised regular communications between them all and the children. It's a huge relief for bf and I'm hoping with all the distraction of the children, his family will be happy enough not to pressure him again with anything. I find it quite hard with his family to be honest, but if i remain mostly emotionally detached, it is manageable. And of course I am happy about this for our kids. And part of me is (much to my surprise) actually happy for his family :rolleyes:


peace
Beccy
 
Oh, Beccy,

I am a bit disappointed. I was looking for an angry vent full of caps and four letter words, and mad faces, so that I could join in with you. :D

My inlaws are ridiculous. Just when you think they are getting better and growing up a bit, they're not. Emotionally underdeveloped is an extremely kind description. My mother in law will also call back, and call back, and leave increasingly manipulative, guilt-tripping phone messages ("It's your MOTHER... you're not answering, I wonder what could be SO important..." etc) all within a span of minutes. AAArrrghhh. I also try to be emotionally detached... after 10 years of it they just think I'm bitchy and cold, but you know what? It is better than what they might think of me if I weren't detached...

Don't know why I'm writing this either other than to say I sympathize.

SAR
 
Mother-in-laws can be a challenge in the healthiest of situations. Am I correct to assume bf was abused by a family member?? You mention his sister, but I wondered if the parents were the abusers or just being non-supportive/denial??? I have often felt like my partner was the hot potato nobody wanted to hold very long...until me, of course. Our dynamic is more...here...you deal with him....you take this...not easy to not be supported....seems an easy thing to do for us...yeah?? It's like an elephant is standing in the room and great effort is given to moving around it or re-naming it. Sounds like some sibling favoritism factors in, also? Any improvement since your post??
 
Thanks for the replies everyone,


There has been improvement, since the grandparents/sister having regular contact with our kids is no longer an issue. His sister was the one who abused him. Turns out she also abused the other sister, who very casually told bf this fact last night on the phone. The rest of the family are now in therapy, but he wants her to have some too.....


I there's definately favouritism going on, but I think that's a pattern that developed since the abuser sister told their mother(at around 16) that years before she'd been abused by their male babysitter. So, she acted out her abuse on her siblings. Their mother never told anyone about that, but obviously it's all out now. It's all very sad, and even though I find things(any communication) strained(always did), I still feal very much empathy for them all.

On the web-cam the other night, I found I couldn't really properly look at/talk to his sister. Also, they have NO IDEA how to properly communicate with the kids. They are all tense and formal, and non-responsive. They don't 'mirror' at all, which sends kids crazy, which infuriates me! They are non-passionate/repressed people. These are also many of the same issues I've seen with my bf, also reguarding how he is with the kids, so the whole thing I feel highly emotional about...

I am controlled though and stay as uninvolved as I possibly can.


peace
Beccy
 
I can only try to empathyze with you ladies, but I do, having dealt with in-laws in the past. Not mother and father-in-law, they were great, but a sister-in-law from hell.

Now, however, I deal with no one. My b/f got himself legally emancipated from his parental units when he was only 15. He had limited contact with them after he got married, but that went away after a short time, as did his marriage, and there was no contact after that - now their dead (good ridance!) I'm sad that he has no contact with his siblings, especially the younger ones, but that's not my call. I know it would be too much for him so I leave it alone.

Anyway, I applaud you being able to deal with entire disfunctional families on top of dealing with the man you love and I'm really glad for me that I only have to deal with my guy - that's challenging enough, thank you very much! :D

ROCK ON........Trish
 
Family is difficult Bec, good on you for trying to mediate, but trying to help everyone and keep the peace can be just another form of self-abuse. It's something both my wife and myself are learning to ease away from.

We both wrote letters to our families and told them we need to deal with ou past and that we have retreated to the countryside to be alone and do just that. All we heard back was a text message from my mother about a week and half later acknowledging out request for privacy and nothing since.

It's been a relief for both of us though, to be free of their demands, because the key issue is growing up and really sperating from them and the insanity of childhood.
 
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