mother/emotional incester returns

mother/emotional incester returns
B

bec

Registrant
hello men:

i am under stress and afraid. my mother emotionally incested me for 30 years and will soon return to the town i am living in. she wrote saying she wants to see me. i wish to have nothing to do with her. there is too much anger in me for that.

i pray for my God's help in dealing with her. that i think my God's thoughts, feel his feelings, speak his words and act his acts. i pray for strength and wisdom. i do not wish to be abusive but i must protect myself. i certainly can't expect her to protect me. she didn't before. why need she now?

dealing with her won't be easy. and i will pray for help. i recite the serenity prayer often.

i need to return to this site in the evening and share this with the men in the chatroom. it is a little difficult since i do not own a computer. i must locate a public one to access this site. i feel better haveing shared this here. i will try to come back soon to read any replies.

let us all take good care of ourselves. may our Gods bless us. sincerely,


bec :)
 
Bec,

Your safety and security are the most important things you need to look after.

Establish your boundaries clearly. Do not allow another, even your mother, beyond them.

I am amazed at how many of our mothers didn't protect us.

Peace,

Marc
 
bec,

You need to look after your own emotional security first. If seeing her has you all upset and nervous, don't see her! You can't worry about her feelings...she evidently didn't worry about yours all those years.

If she has a problem with you not seeing her, lay it on the line for her, plain and simple. Maybe then, if you wish, you can both begin trying to communicate with each other VIA email, US Mail, or phone calls. Then you will know if you are able to meet in person later, or never.

This is her problem! Make her own it! You are in control of your own self now. You set the rules for meeting or not meeting.
 
There is no law that you have to see her. Just because she say she want to see you, you do not have to go through with it. You owe her nothing. If it is too much to handle, perhaps you can be busy with work or something. Or not even make an exuse, other then you don't feel like or don't want to see her. I just hate to think you feeling pressured to do it. I wish you luck, whatever happens.

leosha
 
Bec

sorry to hear this sad news, I think we all agree that you need to distance yourself from her, maybe keep in touch by writing to her.

Only meet if you can be sure she will respect your boundaries. Only you,know if that is possible, but take care and take your time

Love

ste
 
dear Men:

thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement. i appreciate them all. i have not been able to visit this site for some time. nor have i been to the chatroom.

yes, i must set boundaries and keep them. i cannot let her have her way with me. i must also be aware of her efforts to manipulate me with complaints, tears, etc. i must take care of me and the boy within me. i can rely on noone else to do so.

i wanna share this with you all. i have with me a card she mailed recently. this is what it says:

(on the cover:) "It doesn't matter who was right or who was wrong. all i know is that something has come between us which seems to get worse with time. i don't like this silence, and i'm willing to do whatever it takes to get our relationship going again. we've had so many good times together... and i can't bear the thought of those stopping forever.

(inside the card:) "I'm willing to take the first step, but i need your help. let's try to make it work."

and, at the bottom she wrote: "I'm looking forward to seeing you soon. love, your mother."

men, i am really angry right now. :mad: reading this card also hurts me. i feel like she just refuses to see the truth. i have told her more than once that she deeply hurt me. that what i am willing to give her is limited. but, she seems to continue to live in this fantasy land. where i am still her little boy. loyal to her and lost within myself and the world around me.

while she is in town she will be staying in the same home as my 15yr old nephew and my 8yr old neice. i do not wish for them to be hurt in any way. therefore, i must be careful how i deal with my sick/emotionaly incestuous mother. i do not want the kids to suffer as the boy in me was forced to.

maybe i will try to meet with my mother in private and away from the kids so they won't witness what takes place. i will see what i have the energy to do.

7 days she is supposed to be in this town. i pray for strength and courage in dealing with her.

I MUST KEEP ME SAFE.

i must create and maintain healthy boundaries regardless of others' approval. yes.

please pray for me men if you would. that i and the little boy within do our best to meet our needs and not be abusive toward anyone. yes.

ok men. i feel better now. i will try to return to this site soon. let's all take good care of ourselves. sincerely,

bec :)
 
Hi Bec

you say;

(on the cover:) "It doesn't matter who was right or who was wrong. all i know is that something has come between us which seems to get worse with time. i don't like this silence, and i'm willing to do whatever it takes to get our relationship going again. we've had so many good times together... and i can't bear the thought of those stopping forever.
Click to expand...
Reading thru this, and only you know the answers, it sounds to me like she wants to go back the way she was with you, she needs to be very aware that you don't want this anymore and realise the harm she has done.

You definitely need to tell her in writing if you can how much hurt she did, and set the solid boundaries that she must never go beyond, writing is sometimes the best way, and see what her response is, only meet her if you feel happy that she is willing to respect you on them terms and it will be her last chance.

Always keep yourself safe

ste
 
Bec
you express yourself well in your posts, like so many of us writing slows down the thinking process and we end up writing exactly what we mean to say. Something that doesn't happen so easily talking face to face or on the phone.
So write a letter, tell her exactly what you feel. Lay the first stone of YOUR boundary.

Dave
 
thanks ste and Lloydy:

writing a letter. yes. i may do this soon. i want to be careful to say exactly what i feel and think. to set healthy boundaries and NOT be abusive. yes. no good comes from abuse. i must be assertive and honest. that is the best i can give.

i have been anxious and afraid men. i tell myself there is no reason to be afraid. that we have done wrong to noone. that she did wrong to us. we have nothing to fear or be ashamed of.

she arrives in a matter of hours. we pray for strength and courage during her stay in town. we want to be our best.

honestly, we believe there is a part of us that wants to be enmeshed with her again. that wants to be her little boy.

DEAR GOD, please help us let go. it is better to suffer alone than to be sickly enmeshed with another. please help us be our best Lord.

that is all men. sincerely,


bec
 
Bec

I am sorry it has been this way, you're Mother should have loved you the way it should have been, not the way she thought, you need to say to her it can never be that way again, she really needs to think what a mother role is all about, if she doesn't then it cannot be.

It's so hard when you have feelings for her, as any child would naturally do, don't let her upset you, tell her by letter, that it was not nice what she did and it so much upset you, if you get the feelings that she wants to go back the same way then tell her you will not meet until she is prepared to accept you on your terms.

Stand by your boundaries, and don't let her hurt you again, you don't deserve it.

I pray that you get your goal

love

ste
 
Bec,

I guess she used you to inapropriately fill a void or a need in herself when you were young. She may not have been aware of it. Hopefully, you can make her aware of it. If you do, who knows, there might be some healing in there for her, too...

Howard
 
hello men:

thanks for your replies. i take them all into consideration. well, i spoke with my mother via telephone and told her:

-i want PEACE. no fighting/trouble/arguments.
-i dont feel safe near you/talking to you.
-i feel it is best if we do not spend time together.
-i wish you well.

she had little of a reply.

i then told my grandfather, whom i love and trust, what i said to my mother. he was not happy. he wants her and i to get along, to spend time together like loving, healthy mothers and sons do.

to please him i called my mother again and said that soon i will call her so we can spend some time together. i know this will please my grandfather. and, he is the one i care about most. so, i want to see her soon and get it over with, perhaps tomorow if i feel like i can handle it.

i do not want to fight or disagree men. i believe she lives in denial. she is not willing to face the harm she has done to me through the abuse/emotional incest.

she is cowardly and i am not holding out hope of her changing. i surender it and her to my God. may his will be done. and, may he give me the strength to be around her without confronting or fighting with her.

i want to go men. the weather here is wonderful and i want to enjoy it. let's all take good care of ourselves and be the best men we can be. sincerely,


bec
 
hello men:

i called my mother this morning to try to get together with her but she said she had other plans. she was going to take my neice and nephew to the store/mall.

i fear she will do to my 15 year old nephew what she did to me, namely, emotionaly incest him. i am very grateful she lives 1000 miles away from him. comments have been made that lead me to believe she has been 'working on' him.

i do not trust her. i do not wish to be paranoid but, i know how deeply she hurt me and i do NOT want another child to be wounded as i was and am.

i pray my nephew will not be hurt. and, that i will be able to please my grandfather by spending some amount of time with her. until next time men. sincerely,


bec
 
Bec:
If your relationship with your nephew would allow a letter from you from time to time (or email or phone calls), you may be able to undermine your mother's possible attempts to abuse him.

You don't need to bad-mouth her because he may have a decent relationship with her. But if you show interest in what he is doing, what he is into, you could give him subtle messages about boundaries, being his own person, assertiveness, etc. That may prevent any shennanigans she might be trying on him. At 15, he may well be able to protect himself and be less vulnerable than you were.

Ken
 
dear Ken and Howster:

thanks for your replies. and for the advice Ken. i will speak to my nephew today. i pray my God will give me the words. i am concerned because i was told more than once that he said he would like to live with my mother rather than his parents. hopefully it is nothing. but i struggle with pesimism and i do not trust my mother. she continues to try to redevelop the incestual relationship she had with me. and, i do not want any other child to suffer.

now an update:

in one hour i will attend a family meal where my mother will be present. she told me via phone she wishes to 'talk to me about some things.' i pray for the courage to be my best. to protect me and to not be abusive of her or anyone else.

i have no desire to be enmeshed with her again. no, a small part of me desires it but the majority of me says NO!

she refuses to let go. she complains again and again that she wants things to be as they were. i told her in clear terms that i have given her enough. but, she refuses to accept.

if she starts with the same complaint i believe i will not discuss it with her. i will tell her that it is a waste of time and i will walk away. if it all becomes too much. i will say goodbye and leave. whichever happens, i will be able to please my grandfather by spending some amount of time with her.

ok, i need to go men. i will do my best to speak with my nephew and i pray for the right words. Ken's advice sounded really solid. let's take good care of ourselves men. sincerely,


bec
 
hello men:

here is an update on how the meal with my mother went.

-we hardly looked at each other. i offered to hug her upon my arrival and she accepted.

-we spoke to her little.

-she looked bad. 80-100 pounds heavier than the last time. she claims her weight gain is medicine-caused. we suspect at least some of it is due to her use of eating to eaze her emotional pain, partially caused by not being able to emotionally incest me any more.

-she said grace/prayers before the meal and wimpered as she has before. a seemingly childish, self-pitying behavior she uses regularly.

-i spoke with my nephew about him living near my mother and his desire did not seem strong. he said it was nice there but 'boring'.

-we do not feel safe near her. we can feel soiled, dirty-like in her presence. and, angry, hurt.

-she leaves in 5 days

-we do not know if we will spend more time with her. we know this may be our last chance in years.

-we do not trust her. she incested us for 30 years. we greatly fear she would hurt us again if given the chance. sadly, a part of us cares/may even love her. a child's love can be an amazin thing.

-we became ill, had BAD stomach cramps. caused by our nerves/our uneaz near her. we left the group and journaled. this helped calm us and stopped the cramps.

-why did we cramp up? we believe a part of us still wants to be enmeshed with her. we didn't give in to that part of us. thus, the cramps.

we pray for strength in dealing with her. she is spending the day visiting relatives. we will see what the future holds. that is all men. i may post more soon. sincerely,


bec
 
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