Mother Abuse

Mother Abuse
J

JamesMichael

Registrant
Tonight I remembered something more about my mother. Among the other things she used to do, like, check my testicles to see if they were sagging to determine if I had a fever and enemas, I have definite recall of her checking my anus for WORMS at night while I lay in bed. What the hell is that all about? Replies appreciated. There's lots of other covert stuff, but this is a new memory.

JM
 
It sounds similiar to what i have heard from others. The things i remember about my abuse from my mother are hard to tell because it is so confusing when you are that young.

What i hate most about it is how nobody believes my mother is capable of doing something like this. Everybody makes her out to be so perfect, it makes me so angry how they always say she loves me so much. Even though i moved, it feels like she is still here, like she is always with me somehow, and i cant get rid of her.

She is still finding reasons to bug me, and every time she does i get really depressed, even if it is just a letter. Is it wrong to want her to die? That is kind of how i feel.

I wish there was some kind of way out of here, like i could just pick up and leave, start everything all over again as somebody else.
 
James,

Having four kids of my own plus raising a nephew, ranging in ages from 26 to 6 right now i can tell you that a kid can get some kind of worms from dirt outside and the doc insists that you check with a flashlight at night and use a piece of scotch tape to like take a sample kinda thing,, all this before they prescribe anything.

Ok, so five kids,, i have had to do this a total of two times.

and just for the record, we have never had to give any of the five an enema ever. i am still hard pressed to understand how my mom had some medical justification (as she claims) for giving me enemas every few days for years.

Broken,

I have one of those moms too, to everyone else in the world she was a saint,, lately her shiny suit has some tarnish on it though...

and i have to correct you on one point,, I believe you, thats one person.

Hugs to both of you,,

John
 
mothers, ugh. we could have a whole section just dedicated to them. Mine is a piece of work too. Crossed major boundaries with me, and still would if I let her. My feelings towards her swing like a pendulum between love and raging hatred - no middle ground. She is in total denial about my SA and won't "go there". Why would she want to? If she had been present as a mom, I never would have ended up living with a paedophilic gardian for over half a year.
Meanwhile she still demands my attention far beyond the call of a son's filial responsibility. An angry, bitter and manipulative person. And yet...and yet...so many conflicting emotions. Here's to all mom's, everywhere.
 
My abuser was my father and his excusses for anally probing me and having to preform oral sex on him was that it was punishment. Every free moment he could sneek and "punish" me; supposedly helped me be good. Granted that I never really did anything to be punished. Honestly, I had been beaten and 'programed' to not make Daddy mad ( me, my mother, and younger brother all had) from an early age. But not cleaning my plate at dinner or running in the hall hours before were his excusses to punish me. My point in sharing this is that when someone wants to do something as horrid as abuse a child, THEY dont need a reason; they just need the deed to be kept quite. My abuser has called me over the past 14 years irregularly to threaten or to be remorseful to clear his guilt.
It is disruptful and brutal to me each time Because I have my own son and wife and I wish everyday that he would just die and leave me alone. But I know he wont and I also know that He is scum and a child rapist and that he will burn in some fiery eternal afterplace. Now, when he calls I describe to him in detail what he did to the little boy I used to be and about all the things ( raping my mother in front of me and my brother), the beatings, all the things to remind him how he is sick and needs help. Ive noticed that his calls have become less frequent.
And no, he doesnt admit, acknowledge, or pretend that he EVER did anything; but I wont ever stop reminding his sick ass.
 
James:

Well, that was a freakout! Reading your post reminded me that my mother used to "check me for worms" a lot, too. :rolleyes:

Broken:

Yeah, I feel like my mother is always around too, even tho she's across the country. I'm not even answering her letters anymore becuz I just can't stand the thot of her. Do I want her to die? As far as I'm concerned, she is dead, at least that's how I'm treating her. But I'm not mourning.

"I wish there was some kind of way out of here, like i could just pick up and leave, start everything all over again as somebody else."

Brother, that's a mouthful I really relate to!

Tomorrow I go to my second session of confronting my mother with my T as guide; not physically, but still in a very real way. Last week's session was very helpful & I look forward to this one. Right now that's my way to get out, pick up & leave.

And yeah, start over as someone else. Becuz dealing with her & moving beyond her is enabling me to start over, help the child I never was to be & to grow up with me, to become somebody else--the person I was always meant to be!

John:

No doubt the only "medical justification" your mother had for "your" enemas was to "medicate" herself, whatever it was she was trying to fix.

Enemas my mother never tried; but she was no saint, and that was no secret to anyone!

ARW:

Good idea; a section just on mothers! My mother was my primary abuser; sexual & emotional incest throughout my childhood, making me her surrogate husband, and father to my brother.

I had pretty much cut contact with her for quite a while. Then I began to try to reconcile our relationship, flying her to see my family a couple of times. It took my wife & kids to help me see she was still trying to emotionally (and maybe sexually) incest me.

My mother is a classic hard-core, demanding, manipulative narcissist. She is in denial about dong anything wrong, much less the abuse I only recently remembered myself.

Aptrick:

My father also incested me, tho I know he was not my primary abuser; my mother coerced him & more than a few men since to join her in abusing me.

Good for you for thrusting the darkness of your father's abuse of you out into the light & into his face! I am not yet able to do so with my mother, except in my therapy, which may be all I can or need to do now.

After recovering memories of her abuse recently, I (again) broke contact with her. She has not lately tried to get back in touch. Somehow I think she knows what it's about. I'll tell her for sure whenever the time might come.

Take care gentlemen

Wuame
 
i stopped bringing the issue up. even though i was abused by women, not just my mother, but my aunts. i was prostituted for a while when i was a kid, i was with men and women. my father and uncles were a part of the abuse, in fact, they did more physical damage than any of my aunts, but the effects of that were lessened by my youngest uncle. he wasn't much older than me, so as my cousins and brothers and i grew up, my uncle became an adult, and he never once abused us. i learned from him that i didn't have to grow up to be like my father and uncles. and i figured if he could go thru so much, and not take it out on any of us, then there might be men elsewhere who wouldn't try and hurt me either.

i never experienced this with women. when i first ran away, the first person i told was a woman. i told her as much as i could remember, and she more or less didn't believe me. i got put in foster care, first in group homes, then with a family. i told a few people here and there, and the response was the same. they had no problem believing that i was abused by my father, and maybe my uncles, but women were out of the question.

by the time i got into a stable home, i was pretty much done talking about it. the attitudes i got were too much for me to handle. i tried therapy a few times, but that didn't work too well. i couldn't relax and talk. i even tried a female therapist just to make myself try to ease up on my fear of women, but it didn't work well. i couldn't talk freely with her, and by the time i told her the reason why, i was practically out of the door.

my worst experience came from a survivor group i had joined. there were two other males in the group, both twice my age, but we got along. the rest of the group was female. i had a hard time talking openly with them. some of the things they would say i found offense. comments like "men are just like that'. no one said flat out that i should leave, but i didn't feel like i was part of the group. i spoke more with the other two guys outside of group than i did when i was in session. the last time i attended, one of the members went off on me for saying that i was raped by my aunts. she was so insulted by the comment, about the way i described what happened, she got in my face, yelled at me, and stormed out. i left and never went back.

i've had a few occasions since then where i've said i was abused by women, and the attitudes have been smug. so i stopped bringing it up. i didn't like feeling that i had to justify the abuse, to prove that what was done was abuse. there's no question something was done to me. my arms are covered in scars, i have a few on my face. but when it comes to women, people just refuse to believe it.

right now, i tell people on a need to know basis. in places like this, it's easier to talk about it. i have problems speaking about the abuse with people i don't know, especially being face to face. i was taught to look someone in the eyes when you speak to then, but i just can't do that when i talk about my past. not even with my cousins and brothers. at a place like this, it's easier because i don't have to look anyone in the eyes.

and yet, when i have spoken up, the pain is there in my eyes. i don't cry, i haven't cried in years, since my uncle, the one i was talking about, killed himself two years ago, and before that, not since i'd left that house. but i know that the look on my face changes. and to be able to see that and say i'm lying or it's not as bad as it is for females, it's frustrating.

i wouldn't advise anyone to do what i do, to not speak up. i've gotten to the point where the public's opinion of what abuse is no longer matters to me. i got tired of having to prove it to everyone. and last year, i testified against one of the women i was sold to, i had reported her and few others whose names and addresses i could remember, and she walked with just two years probation and six months in therapy. she was let out on bail when the charges were first filed. she actually got herself caught. she gave a friend a tape with some educational show on it she'd recorded off tv, and it just happened to be on of the tapes she'd used to record the sex she'd had with me years before. i don't know why they let her out, possibly because she's a mother. but a few days later when the police returned to do another search of her property, the first time they found some tapes of me and her, they caught her having sex with her 9 year old son, found more tapes and photos, her son tried to kill himself, and the jury just wasn't convinced. as pissed as i was for her walking, the slap in the face came when she wasn't even made to register as a sex offender. it's still on appeal, the prosecutor was as pissed as i was, but i told him i didn't want any part of the next trial. he'd have to force me to go.

i was just shocked that she was allowed to walk, shocked that a jury that sat thru twenty hours of this woman having sex with me and her son could let her walk.

since then, i haven't bothered bringing up the issue unless i know the person is willing to listen. hate the attitude that women don't do any wrong, and i truly hate the continuation of the lie that nearly all abuse is committed by men and that the majority of the victims of abuse are women.

i'm willing to talk about the issue, i think telling about my abuse and what happened can help other victims. it's just that too many people don't believe this happens, so getting a decent forum is nearly impossible.

jake
 
[john] hugs jake, that whole thing still just makes me cringe and shiver, my heart goes out to you jake, your family let you down, she let you down and the courts and all the damn adults in your life let you down, pisses me off.

i think your doing good jake, keep talking ok?

Hugs,

John
 
Jake
Welcome to our safe house, although I'm sorry you need to be here.

im willing to talk about the issue, i think telling about my abuse and what happened can help other victims. its just that too many people dont believe this happens, so getting a decent forum is nearly impossible.
Click to expand...
Telling your story to people who DO BELIEVE YOU is so important, and I think that you've found the best place to do it, although we can never substitute for a skilled therapist.
There's a great bunch of guys here all working towards recovery, this is a place where we support one another, unload our fears and test our dreams.

Be strong Jake
Lloydy
 
Jake:

Your story is a tragic example of why more male survivors don't speak out. Most people seem to think its a big joke that any boy or man couldn't want & enjoy sex, especially with women.

You're brave to have even tried as much as you have, and I'm sorry your experiences have gone so badly.

Besides online, I've told only my wife, grown daughters, T, pdoc, and some members of a "live" group I was in for awhile, of men with sexual & relational addictions & compulsions. Responses to me have been much more favorable, but I've spoken only within very safe settings. I can't imagine trying to talk to anyone else in my family, any friends, or especially women in general.

What happened to you in that so-called survivor group and in that so-called trial really pisses me off! Some women want the best of both worlds and are so hypocritical in their double standards. They want to be treated as equals to males when it comes to pay & benefits, but when it comes to matters like this all of a sudden they're once again helpless women and we're all the mean ol' men.

That wasn't a survivors group, it was a bash & kill the men group! That wasn't a trial, it was a lynching with the rope around the wrong neck!

Do I have a problem with women? In general yes. In general I have a problem with men too.

I'm just glad for this safe place where we can share as male survivors. Glad you're here too Jake. Take care of yourself.

Wuame
 
offline i have a safe net of people who i can talk to. places like this are great because it's more comfortable to talk with others who've been thru the same thing. it's like being with my brothers and my cousins, where i can make a simple comment, and not have to explain what i meant by it. it's unfortunate that what binds us is something like abuse, but i like being able to speak without having to go into explicit detail.

i talk with my father and my older brother a lot now. my father is very open about what he did. in fact, all anyone has to do is ask, and he'll admit he abused us. no problem. in public, with crowds, he really doesn't care. i talk with him more because he is my father than anything else. i'm used to his presence, and after it not being there, i needed to at least see him. i never meet him alone, always in public, always where we're on even ground. we eat lunch together almost everyday because he lives near my school (i'm in college).

i've seen the double standard in play many times. it really gets to me, most likely irritates me, that some women will blatantly contradict themselves. however, i get pissed off when other women back them up. like you said, one minute we're all equals, the next, only they are the victims.

growing up, i never learned to see women as victims because only my oldest uncle was interested in girls. that's not to exonerate him, or lessen what he did to my female cousin, the only girl in the house, but bottom line was, he was the one to do most of the stuff to her. he'd make me and my cousin and brother hurt her. then my uncles and father would join in, mostly chiding us to do it harder, make her scream, which really wasn't going to happen, we were only kids, and i don't know of any kids that well endowed. it bothers me to this day that i helped rape her, but i never saw her as a victim because she was female. i saw her as a victim because of her father. my aunts weren't ever asked to do anything to us, they did it on their own. they weren't part of the loop. so i never saw women get treated as victims.

i don't have any problem telling women face to face that i can't and don't trust them. yes, it annoys and angers many women, and it practically labels me by default as a misogynist (i got called this in a summer class this past august. i had to look the word up because i didn't know what it meant) because i won't say they're always victims.

out of group therapy i met two very kind men, twice my age, but real good friends, who i talk to almost every week. it wasn't a total waste, but i wish it had gone differently. the trial i can't explain. i don't understand how someone can say they did it, was caught doing, has physical, undisputable videotaped proof they did, and a jury say, “eh, she's not that guilty.”

thanks for letting me rant a little.

jake
 
If we live in a country where there is a draft, and women want to be equal, they will start being treated as equals when they are no longer immune to the draft.

Yes, men are to blame for inequality. But so are women for not fighting bloody battles to claim their freedom. That is the rule of the jungle, if you want freedom, you have to stand up for yourself. And if you are not willing to resort to violence, you still have a responsibility to fight for your freedom. Women who do not understand this will always be treated as inferior because the will always BELIEVE themselves inferior. In a small country in africa, there is an army composed of 40 % females. Granted, most are in support roles and never see action.

But a society of victomization is perpetuated by both men and women. Until we destroy the vacuous, dimwitted american streotype of gender, sexuality, and most importantly the denial of attrocity, Id say you have every right to distrust men and women on the general principle that thier willfull ignorence and apathy created a world where you were victomized over and over again by an unjust society.

So fuck em, if thats how you feel, then thats how you feel. We answer to a higher authority, our conscience, our sense of justice. People can be cruel, but that doesnt mean we have to be. And that doesnt mean there is no hope for people to change, no hope to live in a just world. There is.

If i had a point here, (i think i lost it somewhere down the road) its that women are accountable for thier actions, and it is time to pay the piper.
 
Jake:

Wow it amazes me you are able to talk to your father like that; can't even imagine talking to my mother at all right now. Of course all people & situations are different, and things do change.

You know I never thot of it quite like that before: I never really saw women victimized either growing up; they were almost always the victimizers, by direct abuse or by neglect. Most of my perps, especially the main ones, were women. My male perps were all coerced & seduced by women, particularly my mother. Maybe that's why, in stark contrast to our society, I can rather easily see males as victims, but can hardly see women that way at all.

Ironically, the only persons (face to face) I trust very deeply at all are my wife and daughters, and still with plenty of limits. I've just had trouble ever getting to know men very well, probably becuz they were pretty much never there for me. So I don't trust men much either.

That's what makes an anonymous forum like this one, even with its limitations, so valuable.

Rant on Jake, that's what its for!

Wuame
 
Good insights about women, freedom and equality. I quite agree. I wonder how many women would take having a less qualified man hired or promoted before them, w/o a fight.

Hey, let's all just join the Three Stooges Woman Haters Club. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk! :p

But really, I'm sick of being stereotyped by people who are always whining about being stereotyped themselves.

If we're gonna have equality, then let's be consistent with it and go all the way with it!

Congressional Resolution: Men on the front lines in Afghanistan, Iraq, the Middle East & elsewhere will be replaced by women, until the combat zones contain 50% women & 50% men!

New Labor Law: When a man & a woman, equally qualified, are up for a job or promotion, a random drawing shall determine who gets the job!

Well, I guess we get the point. I wish they would!
Pay that piper, ladies! God knows I've paid enuf!

Thanks Broken. Your blend of brutal honesty and hopeful optimism is refreshing.

Wuame
 
Somewhere in my belongings I have a button that says "Men are not the enemy,
they are our fellow victims -- Betty Freidan." I believe she is the original
feminist writer.
I think the gender converse of this statement fits here too that women are
not our enemy, they are our fellow victims. Over the years I have experienced
the generalized rage of many women towards men. This included my own
mother's rage, and that rage was fodder when she perped a vulnerable me and
my two brothers. I have also seen the damage done by men by expressing
generalized rage towards women, children and men.
The culture that denies men our vulnerability and women's violence is one
that is participated in by both genders. Shotgun rage does nothing but pass on
senseless horror and agony onto innocent people.
Our shadows are the parts of ourselves that we wish weren't. One of my
shadows is my own misogyny (the hatred of women). Another shadow of mine
is misandry (the hatred of men [my own kind]).
 
RJD:

A lot of good points & thanks for making them. I must confess (guess I'm in a confessional mood) to both misogyny & misandry. I also must confess I did not know that about Betty Freidan. I wonder how many modern feminists know about it. A great insight indeed.

Like you and many others here, I too have experienced the generalized rage of women towards men, especially thru my mother. I'm sure I've also experienced the generalized anger of men toward women, like in being raped by a gay couple, tho I tend, not without justification, to blame that on my mother, since she sold me to them.

So I doubtless have more misogyny than misandry, at least its more outward. This fits the pattern of my life, in which women were very active & often abusive, and men were largely absent but often abusive when they were around, tho usually at the instigation of my mother.

You're right, this culture of violence is perpetrated by both genders and the genders must work together as Betty Freidan indicated in working to overcome that violence & abusiveness.

I've known for years thru experience & more recently thru therapy that I have a major problem with women in general. I've made progress, but clearly I have a long way to go.

Thanks for sharing that with us so openly & honestly, RJD.

Wuame
 
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