Mosaic Mind
Mosaic Mind
- Thread starterBrayton
- Start date
Hey Brayton,
Yup...I read it quite some time ago when I was convinced there were many separate parts of me. I couldn't seem to get enough information at that time on the subject. Would you want to share some of what has touched you? I'm sure it would be helpful to many here.
Taz
Yup...I read it quite some time ago when I was convinced there were many separate parts of me. I couldn't seem to get enough information at that time on the subject. Would you want to share some of what has touched you? I'm sure it would be helpful to many here.
Taz
I've seen it on the bookshelf at my T's office. I want to read it and I don't, if you know what I mean. I probably will, someday, but this might not be a real good time for me.
Then again, if the discussion breaks out here rivalling the list of all time greatest movies, I'd feel left out if I didn't read it right away!
Joe
Then again, if the discussion breaks out here rivalling the list of all time greatest movies, I'd feel left out if I didn't read it right away!
Joe
Taz and others,
A couple of things have so far rung true to me in reference to my own experience based on the little I have read of 'The Mosaic Mind.'
One is that my self is made up of a number of parts and that they switch positions of prominence.
I have recognized, even before reading this, that different aspects of my self take precedence, switching off and on. This has not only been confusing and troubling for me but has also been confusing for people around me.
I have felt 'crazy,' emotionally out of control, a lot of the time in the past. This is not the bi-polar tendency experience, not a shift between depressed and manic moods but rather is switching among personalities.
As I understand it, the idea is that trauma (specifically SA) effects these parts just as a childhood without trauma effects them.
I gather that the extreme aspect of this is MPD, perhaps resulting from extreme abuse. I've never felt that I have MPD because I have always been aware that all these aspects are part of me, just out of control a lot of the time, unmanaged, without a clear and consistent 'manager.'
Sometimes, I have felt like I am almost a number of different people but certainly made up of a number of distinctly different personalities. I haven't conciously thought of it in those terms but have felt the tumult of the switches.
Sometimes, there is a 'put-on-a-happy-face' Brayton, sometimes a crying and afraid child-part, sometimes a playful child-part, sometimes the violently angry part. And a number of others. I haven't identified all these parts.
It seems from what I have read that one part will emerge as a managing part as I continue to progress and so my understanding of myself will improve as will my ability to be emtionally in control, not a forced control but a natural, comfortable control.
It seems that the confident-manager-part has been pretty much buried or weakened, perhaps suppressed. The challenge, I guess, will be to bring him into prominence, a postion he would have naturally assumed if I had not experienced the trauma of childhood abuse.
As I said, I am new to this. My therapist took this approach from the beginning. She has given me the book, encouraging me to read portions of it because she thinks I will benefit from a more intellectual understanding of the approach. I gather this is not something she would not necessarily do in the midst of a theraputic program.
A couple of things have so far rung true to me in reference to my own experience based on the little I have read of 'The Mosaic Mind.'
One is that my self is made up of a number of parts and that they switch positions of prominence.
I have recognized, even before reading this, that different aspects of my self take precedence, switching off and on. This has not only been confusing and troubling for me but has also been confusing for people around me.
I have felt 'crazy,' emotionally out of control, a lot of the time in the past. This is not the bi-polar tendency experience, not a shift between depressed and manic moods but rather is switching among personalities.
As I understand it, the idea is that trauma (specifically SA) effects these parts just as a childhood without trauma effects them.
I gather that the extreme aspect of this is MPD, perhaps resulting from extreme abuse. I've never felt that I have MPD because I have always been aware that all these aspects are part of me, just out of control a lot of the time, unmanaged, without a clear and consistent 'manager.'
Sometimes, I have felt like I am almost a number of different people but certainly made up of a number of distinctly different personalities. I haven't conciously thought of it in those terms but have felt the tumult of the switches.
Sometimes, there is a 'put-on-a-happy-face' Brayton, sometimes a crying and afraid child-part, sometimes a playful child-part, sometimes the violently angry part. And a number of others. I haven't identified all these parts.
It seems from what I have read that one part will emerge as a managing part as I continue to progress and so my understanding of myself will improve as will my ability to be emtionally in control, not a forced control but a natural, comfortable control.
It seems that the confident-manager-part has been pretty much buried or weakened, perhaps suppressed. The challenge, I guess, will be to bring him into prominence, a postion he would have naturally assumed if I had not experienced the trauma of childhood abuse.
As I said, I am new to this. My therapist took this approach from the beginning. She has given me the book, encouraging me to read portions of it because she thinks I will benefit from a more intellectual understanding of the approach. I gather this is not something she would not necessarily do in the midst of a theraputic program.
theo
Registrant
brett,
i have never read the book, but i am quite familiar with the constructs it is talking about. in the past year i have been becoming more aware of the reality of the fragmentation of my identity. not in the DID/MPD context though. there is another type of fragmentation that i read about in my research that refers to the fragmentation of the emotions in a similar fashion to the personality fragmentation of DID. because it is emotions, and not personality constructs, the parts that are splintered never form a seperate identity except as the repository for that type of emotion. an example is my rage. there have been times when i would zone out and the rage would take over. i would still be theo, but that rage becomes a hyper-focused experience that is void of restraints and exists only to fly into immediate and devastating self defense, or defense of innocents. nothing has ever happened while in this state, thankfully, because the ones facing it recognize the change in me and back down real quick. my ex brother-in-law was the target for about three of these episodes. all i did was zone out to this state and look at him, waiting for him to make some stupid move. he never did, he always ran.
the fragmented mind and emotions we have from our past is very scary at times, but this is what we did to survive. while i work on the integration of the fragments, i still marvel at the strength and unique gifts this has given to me. i would in no way suggest this route as a character formation paradigm, but it has helped survive and thrive in many aspects of our journey. now, we simply put the pieces together. when that happens, can you imagine the incredible result
? take care, brett.
i have never read the book, but i am quite familiar with the constructs it is talking about. in the past year i have been becoming more aware of the reality of the fragmentation of my identity. not in the DID/MPD context though. there is another type of fragmentation that i read about in my research that refers to the fragmentation of the emotions in a similar fashion to the personality fragmentation of DID. because it is emotions, and not personality constructs, the parts that are splintered never form a seperate identity except as the repository for that type of emotion. an example is my rage. there have been times when i would zone out and the rage would take over. i would still be theo, but that rage becomes a hyper-focused experience that is void of restraints and exists only to fly into immediate and devastating self defense, or defense of innocents. nothing has ever happened while in this state, thankfully, because the ones facing it recognize the change in me and back down real quick. my ex brother-in-law was the target for about three of these episodes. all i did was zone out to this state and look at him, waiting for him to make some stupid move. he never did, he always ran.
the fragmented mind and emotions we have from our past is very scary at times, but this is what we did to survive. while i work on the integration of the fragments, i still marvel at the strength and unique gifts this has given to me. i would in no way suggest this route as a character formation paradigm, but it has helped survive and thrive in many aspects of our journey. now, we simply put the pieces together. when that happens, can you imagine the incredible result
? take care, brett.Just a footnote-
I was carrying this book with me when I lost it late last week. This experience has led to a number of insights.
First of all, I have noticed that one of the PTSD-like symptoms I experience is an inability to focus.
Consequently, among other things, it is easy to forget where things are. I even find myself crossing busy streets without looking both ways first. (Is it only a matter of time?
Second, a companion to my self-loathing which has always been there but which I have not been conciously aware of is the belief that when I have committed an 'error,' I have feelings of shame. I believe then that if I correct the error or somehow obliterate it, the feelings of shame and self-loathing will go away.
In the case of the book, it will require replacing the out-of-print book (lucky to get it for $50) without talking first with my therapist how loaned it to be and also lying about the feelings I had around its loss--pretending that it has been no big deal when, emotionally, it really has.
Now that I am aware of this I can talk to my therapist about it honestly and completely.
I have long been unable to understand where my habit of 'sugar-coating' the truth, telling 'white lies,' making up stories and, especially, keeping secrets came from.
I assumed that secret-keeping has been only a family habit that I picked up out of necessity
That may well be the case but, more than that, it has, from practically the beginning, been a coping strategy to deal with the extraordinary feelings of shame that I experience and the deeply rooted fear I have of reprisal.
One of the first recovered memories of the childhood SA I experienced was the threat that I would die if I told about it. This may mean that some dire consequence was threatened and I interpreted it as a threat to kill me or it may have actually been a death threat.
The experiences included humiliation and shaming. Shaming and humiliation were reiterated over and over again over subsequent years in various ways.
The links seem kind of obvious to me now but were not even conciously perceived until yesterday.
I was carrying this book with me when I lost it late last week. This experience has led to a number of insights.
First of all, I have noticed that one of the PTSD-like symptoms I experience is an inability to focus.
Consequently, among other things, it is easy to forget where things are. I even find myself crossing busy streets without looking both ways first. (Is it only a matter of time?
Second, a companion to my self-loathing which has always been there but which I have not been conciously aware of is the belief that when I have committed an 'error,' I have feelings of shame. I believe then that if I correct the error or somehow obliterate it, the feelings of shame and self-loathing will go away.
In the case of the book, it will require replacing the out-of-print book (lucky to get it for $50) without talking first with my therapist how loaned it to be and also lying about the feelings I had around its loss--pretending that it has been no big deal when, emotionally, it really has.
Now that I am aware of this I can talk to my therapist about it honestly and completely.
I have long been unable to understand where my habit of 'sugar-coating' the truth, telling 'white lies,' making up stories and, especially, keeping secrets came from.
I assumed that secret-keeping has been only a family habit that I picked up out of necessity
That may well be the case but, more than that, it has, from practically the beginning, been a coping strategy to deal with the extraordinary feelings of shame that I experience and the deeply rooted fear I have of reprisal.
One of the first recovered memories of the childhood SA I experienced was the threat that I would die if I told about it. This may mean that some dire consequence was threatened and I interpreted it as a threat to kill me or it may have actually been a death threat.
The experiences included humiliation and shaming. Shaming and humiliation were reiterated over and over again over subsequent years in various ways.
The links seem kind of obvious to me now but were not even conciously perceived until yesterday.