more worries...

[beccy]

Do you think it's possible for a man to actually fall in love with a woman, want to be with her, but come to realise once he's worked through his healing, that his sexual identity is gay, or that within his bisexuality, he'd rather be with a man?


Why would my bf have been coming on to me so many times over the past 6 months if he wasn't sexually attracted to me?


This is just all so horrible, I can't believe this is the reality of my life right now.....I can't believe our future as a family is so uncertain.......and further more, this is just absolutely shattering my self esteme, as I feel I've failed to make things good between us. I've been pushing him away and pushing him away, and in that void, this whole gay thing has become bigger again. But all this time, I haven't been able to trust his intentions and I've sensed his uncertainty about us, so how can I be sexual with him in that light? And now, after this, how am I supposed to feel truly sexy to him? He said he doesn't lust after women in the same way as men and his therapist has also asked him if he thinks his hetrosexual side is enough to sustain this relationship. His therapist has been asking him all sorts of questions I think to get him to really think about what he wants.


If he has no lust for women, why has he tried to make eye contact a few times?


I just feel so weak and injured right now.....

 

[Brokenhearted]

B,

Maybe there's a spectrum we all fall along....and maybe he's not quite extreme enough over to end up being gay. I think we could all find the same sex attractive, but some are farther along the spectrum than others. Even if he is attracted to men after all is said and done, if he isn't too far at that end of the spectrum , I think he could still decide (make a conscious decision) if that's what he wants. I could probably be attracted to the same sex if I let myself, but I personally wouldn't allow myself to act on it, I think some attraction is normal for most people but it's not strong enough to make them fully gay. So maybe just consider that maybe he'll be in a gray area that's negotiable.

Remember that part of being drawin into acting out w/ other men is b/c as an abused boy his needs were never important, he just did what others wanted, out of survival needs, and when they act out a lot of times it's b/c they're still of that powerless frame of mind, still not actively asking themselves if that is what they want, still being controlled by the abuser(s) in essence. Hopefully eventually his desire to NOT be controlled by the abuser(s) will outweigh his weakness or desire for the adrenaline rush. People are able to come off of drugs or nicotine even though the chemical high is still attractive to them, b/c they know it is not good for them and they want to make a conscious decision to do good for themselves. How much dignity can there be in what he's doing (as in acting out)? No matter the high, his dignity is being sacrificed. And his health.

 

[Lloydy]

Beccy
Unfortunately, what you say is true.

Do you think it's possible for a man to actually fall in love with a woman, want to be with her, but come to realise once he's worked through his healing, that his sexual identity is gay, or that within his bisexuality, he'd rather be with a man?

I know that I'll defend someone who's acted out every day of the week, and I do that because of my own personal experience AND the experience I now have with other people like me. There are people who act out sexually with the same sex but are not gay and have no interest or intention of entering into any kind of relationship with that person.

I also know non csa men who've left their wives for other men, and women who've done the same.
There are men on this site who I know have been married for many years and have come to the realisation that they are actually gay, and many of them have also made the decisionm to leave a female partner that they genuinly love in 'some' ways for a male partner. But this happens all the time without csa as a factor in that decision.
Who knows with any degree of certainty the real reasons for such a dramatic change? Is it based on nothing more than sex, or is it the deeper thing ( that I don't profess to fully understand ) of feeling genuine love and affection for someone else of the same sex?

If it it just sexual, is that enough reason to throw away a marriage or hetero' relationship that's already established? If that is the case, is it any different to someone leaving the same relationship for a hetro' partner who gives great sex?
I just don't know, this stuff is far to personal to make judgements about in reality, the truth is it's something that only the people involved can make decisions on, or even offer useful opinions on I suppose. But that hasn't stopped me posting this has it ?

Both yourself and Selene have posted about acting oput this week, and they have been about the only posts I've replied to.
But please realise that I reply very much from my personal point of view, added to the experience I've gained over the last few years.

I fully believe that survivors can act out sexually for reasons that can be traced back to their abuse.
I believe that "being gay" is something that cannot be caused by csa. ( this is something that I know has been discussed often in the Gay Forum )
I believe that survivors who act out can and do stop acting out.

But I also know that millions of Gay men enjoy sex, as well as genuine and fullfilling relationships.
I also know that I actually enjoy giving bj's. But I'm not gay.

Acting out is a world of confusion, possibly the worst confusion any survivor can face.
Personally, I overcame that confusion. I made decisions that were difficult and ultimately took some sexual pleasures out of my life. But what was the alternative?

I faced a choice, and it was a "rock and a hard place" choice.
Save my marriage, which by that time was wrecked and so close to collapse; or, leave and embark upon a life of promiscuous sex with strange men.
Possibly there was a choice of trying a gay relationship? ( no, there wasn't anyone in the picture ) But that would have been a whole new world that I had only CONTEMPLATED in my darkest hours. It was something that I actually feared and resented, so it was a very small possibility.

For many men though it is a reality. I have to say that faced with those kind of desires and the ( possibly ) certain knowledge that being gay is their reality then that person owes it to themselves to seriously consider the options.
I have a friend who was a mechanical engineer just like me, we worked for different companies but did similar jobs as heavy engineering fitters. And he was a good one, not afraid of hard, dirty heavy work.
Today she told me she'd dropped two dress sizes!
Yeah, she's had the full sex change. How hard a decision was that? I know that some of her family will never speak to her ever again.
My point is, her happiness is worth that pain.

Do we have the right to be true unto ourselves?
That's a difficult question, and one I would only ever try to answer for myself.
The pain and hurt we might cause along the way has to be considered, but ultimately, should we go our own way?

Dave

 

[beccy]

I think we absolutely have the right to be true to ourselves and go our own way......it's finding what the way might be which we all have to work towards I suppose. The thing for me is that I chose that years ago. I went through my own stage of sexual confusion(although minus the identity issue) and came to the realisation that although sexually there seemed to be problems between us, there WAS sexual chemistry there and I loved him so deeply, I decided that illicit sex with all the thrills it can bring was not worth more than everything I felt I shared with my bf. Now obviously with all this present confusion thrown into the picture, it has felt to me like there's been great light thrown onto the issue of our sexual difficulities and had been hoping we could just work through those things(triggers etc) together and that gradually over time, things would become better for us. AND he's been very forthcoming about his own positive feelings in that direction. I HAVE felt that he's been reaching out to me, sexually, lovingly, everything this past 6 months and surely that must mean something. Also, I've not been fully resiprocating, and I also don't feel I've been loving him as completely as I could've been. It feels like it's been ME who's been distant/difficult and closed off, so I'm feeling that surely that can't have been helping him in specific ways. Like if he's missing fundamental things emotionally/physically etc, then there's a great void there to be filled by something else, anything else, you know what I mean? I know what I mean, cause after my own sexual mess up years back, I feel it was the same for me, in that he shut me out really and I still felt unhappy and unfullfilled.

Anyway, there's no way anyone else can figure this stuff out, only he can.


I worry that because he over sexualises everything, it could be that he ONLY views what he would have with a man as being sexual and not particularly caring, loving, or sharing of lives. Is it possible to be in denial over something like that through homophobia and closed mindedness or limited thinking? Or are those kinds of things something a person just instinctively knows?

He said to me that the only affection he can imagine having with a man just becomes immediately sexual...but that could be a case of oversexualising couldn't it?

He said he can't imagine all the caring stuff with a man, he said he has all that with me and that's what he wants....


It's funny cause when I say we've had loads of sexual problems, in some ways we've actually had quite an experimental and fun sex life. It feels to me like most of the problems have stemmed from intimcay issues, on BOTH sides. We've done some really kinky stuff, which I'm sure both of us have derived a lot of pleasure from, but then I can only truly know my side of that experience....


But now he's got me worried about him too....I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'M just totally f****d up as well and I'm too crazy enough myself to see that he might be gay......or to realise myself that there's a possibility that we might both just be settling for less than what we need/deserve, because we're both a mess and have suffered from such massive self esteme/sexual problems......Now I'm panicked, thinking what if THATS the truth of it all and the inevitable is that we'll break up....it's awful....

I don't want to him to live a half life with me, just because he isn't aware of how much better things could possibly be for himself, you know? I love him and want him to be fullfilled. Even if that meant I loose him. God, it's just horrible.....


Living with a constant state of anxiety and trying to believe his sexual feelings for me come from a genuine place...TRUST.....what a nightmare......


peace
Beccy