MORE THOUGHTS, MEMORIES, AND RUMINATIONS
working with men: AS PART OF MY OWN RECOVERY WORK I DID
SOME VOLUNTEER WORK WITH MEN WHO BATTER.
I DID THIS FOR ABOUT 18 YEARS. AFTER A COUPLE OF YEARS
OF SA RECOVERY WORK WITH A THERAPIST, I HAD LEARNED
SOME THINGS ABOUT MYSELF AND THE SKILLS OF
COMMUNICATION. WHILE I WAS NOT PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE
WITH MY FAMILY, I COULD IDENTIFY WITH THE WHITE HOT RAGE
THAT COULD PRODUCE THEIR BEHAVIOR. AND I SUSPECTED
THE RAGE COULD COME FROM SEXUAL ABUSE THOUGH THERE
WERE NO LINKS AT THAT TIME IN 1981. THOUGH, AT THE
TIME, WHEN WE WERE ORGANIZING, THERE WAS A STATISTIC
THAT CAME OUT, PROBABLY IN THE NEWSPAPER, THAT AN
ESTIMATED 75 PERCENT OF THE MALE POPULATION IN PRISONS
HAD BEEN MOLESTED AS CHILDREN.
HOW I BECAME INVOLVED WITH THIS GROUP WAS BY
RESPONDING TO A FLIER THAT ASKED SOMETHING LIKE,
"ANYONE INTERESTED IN WORKING WITH MEN WHO ARE VIOLENT
IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS, PLEASE CALL SO-AND-SO."
ONE OF THE THINGS I LEARNED WORKING WITH THESE
ORGANIZERS (AND I WAS ONE OF THEM CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?)
IS THAT WE ALL HAD DIFFERENT STRENGTHS. SOME HAD
INCREDABLE SKILLS AT KNOWING WHAT PAPER WORK HAD
TO BE DONE, AND DID IT. THEY HAD NO INTEREST IN WORKING
DIRECTLY WITH THE MEN. I HAD NO UNDERSTANDING OF THE
PAPERWORK BUT WANTED TO WORK DIRECTLY WITH THE MEN
WHO WOULD COME TO OUR GROUP. THERE WAS A LICENSED
THERAPIST IN THE GROUP WHO WAS ALSO GOING TO WORK
DIRECTLY WITH THE MEN AND BELIVED IN EMPOWERING.
HE TAUGHT ME MANY THINGS INCLUDING SOME THAT I ALREADY
KNEW AND DIDN'T KNOW I KNEW. FOR EXAMPLE KNOWING WHAT
WHITE HOT RAGE LOOKS LIKE, AND WHAT EXPERIENCES COULD
PRODUCE THAT.
SOME THOUGHT, OR MIGHT BE SEEN AS CRITICISED
(INCLUDING ME), "IT ISN'T ONLY MEN WHO ARE VIOLENT." THIS
IS TRUE. THE HOPE WAS FOR SOMEONE STEP UP TO ADDRESS THIS BY STARTING A GROUP.
IT ISN'T THAT, WE, AS AN ORGANIZATION WERE A DEAD END
ON THE ISSUES, IT WAS THAT NO ONE STEPPED UP TO THE
CHALLANGE. THE SUPPORT WAS THERE, NO ONE IN OUR
NEIHBORHOOD ACCEPT THE INVITATIONS.
WE WERE NO
EXPERTS ON THE ISSUES OF MEN'S VIOLENCE, THERE WERE
NO EXPERTS IN 1981. WHAT I SAW WAS MEN IN AGONY AND SOCIETY
SAYING THROW THEM AWAY FOREVER, THEY HAVE NO WORTH.
WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS THE MORE VOLUNTEERS, THE MORE
ENERGY THERE IS TO GET THINGS DONE. NO ONE CAN DO THIS
WORK ALONE AND MAINTAIN MENTAL HEALTH.
WHEN THINGS SETTLE DOWN FOR ME I HOPE TO DO MORE
VOLUNTEER WORK HELPING TO MAKE THIS WORLD A SAFER
PLACE TO LIVE IN ONE DAY AT A TIME. IT MIGHT BE HERE OR
ELSEWHERE. THERE IS SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE TO DO.
I THINK THE FIRST THING FOR ME TO DO IS TO APPRECIATE
WHAT OTHERS DO FOR ME THAT I AM CLUELESS ABOUT. IT
IS MY JOB TO BECOME AWARE OF THOSE THINGS.
------ BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF
SOME VOLUNTEER WORK WITH MEN WHO BATTER.
I DID THIS FOR ABOUT 18 YEARS. AFTER A COUPLE OF YEARS
OF SA RECOVERY WORK WITH A THERAPIST, I HAD LEARNED
SOME THINGS ABOUT MYSELF AND THE SKILLS OF
COMMUNICATION. WHILE I WAS NOT PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE
WITH MY FAMILY, I COULD IDENTIFY WITH THE WHITE HOT RAGE
THAT COULD PRODUCE THEIR BEHAVIOR. AND I SUSPECTED
THE RAGE COULD COME FROM SEXUAL ABUSE THOUGH THERE
WERE NO LINKS AT THAT TIME IN 1981. THOUGH, AT THE
TIME, WHEN WE WERE ORGANIZING, THERE WAS A STATISTIC
THAT CAME OUT, PROBABLY IN THE NEWSPAPER, THAT AN
ESTIMATED 75 PERCENT OF THE MALE POPULATION IN PRISONS
HAD BEEN MOLESTED AS CHILDREN.
HOW I BECAME INVOLVED WITH THIS GROUP WAS BY
RESPONDING TO A FLIER THAT ASKED SOMETHING LIKE,
"ANYONE INTERESTED IN WORKING WITH MEN WHO ARE VIOLENT
IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS, PLEASE CALL SO-AND-SO."
ONE OF THE THINGS I LEARNED WORKING WITH THESE
ORGANIZERS (AND I WAS ONE OF THEM CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?)
IS THAT WE ALL HAD DIFFERENT STRENGTHS. SOME HAD
INCREDABLE SKILLS AT KNOWING WHAT PAPER WORK HAD
TO BE DONE, AND DID IT. THEY HAD NO INTEREST IN WORKING
DIRECTLY WITH THE MEN. I HAD NO UNDERSTANDING OF THE
PAPERWORK BUT WANTED TO WORK DIRECTLY WITH THE MEN
WHO WOULD COME TO OUR GROUP. THERE WAS A LICENSED
THERAPIST IN THE GROUP WHO WAS ALSO GOING TO WORK
DIRECTLY WITH THE MEN AND BELIVED IN EMPOWERING.
HE TAUGHT ME MANY THINGS INCLUDING SOME THAT I ALREADY
KNEW AND DIDN'T KNOW I KNEW. FOR EXAMPLE KNOWING WHAT
WHITE HOT RAGE LOOKS LIKE, AND WHAT EXPERIENCES COULD
PRODUCE THAT.
SOME THOUGHT, OR MIGHT BE SEEN AS CRITICISED
(INCLUDING ME), "IT ISN'T ONLY MEN WHO ARE VIOLENT." THIS
IS TRUE. THE HOPE WAS FOR SOMEONE STEP UP TO ADDRESS THIS BY STARTING A GROUP.
IT ISN'T THAT, WE, AS AN ORGANIZATION WERE A DEAD END
ON THE ISSUES, IT WAS THAT NO ONE STEPPED UP TO THE
CHALLANGE. THE SUPPORT WAS THERE, NO ONE IN OUR
NEIHBORHOOD ACCEPT THE INVITATIONS.
WE WERE NO
EXPERTS ON THE ISSUES OF MEN'S VIOLENCE, THERE WERE
NO EXPERTS IN 1981. WHAT I SAW WAS MEN IN AGONY AND SOCIETY
SAYING THROW THEM AWAY FOREVER, THEY HAVE NO WORTH.
WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS THE MORE VOLUNTEERS, THE MORE
ENERGY THERE IS TO GET THINGS DONE. NO ONE CAN DO THIS
WORK ALONE AND MAINTAIN MENTAL HEALTH.
WHEN THINGS SETTLE DOWN FOR ME I HOPE TO DO MORE
VOLUNTEER WORK HELPING TO MAKE THIS WORLD A SAFER
PLACE TO LIVE IN ONE DAY AT A TIME. IT MIGHT BE HERE OR
ELSEWHERE. THERE IS SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE TO DO.
I THINK THE FIRST THING FOR ME TO DO IS TO APPRECIATE
WHAT OTHERS DO FOR ME THAT I AM CLUELESS ABOUT. IT
IS MY JOB TO BECOME AWARE OF THOSE THINGS.
------ BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF