More questions from a newbie

More questions from a newbie
I

IFEMan

New Registrant
Ever since I found this site and started to read other people's stories/info etc...I find myself extremely charged (is this what you mean by "triggered"?).

As someone that has been sexually compulsive with other men in the past (and for the most part it has been under wraps for about 3 years) I suddenly find myself crazed with wanting to act out. I can connect the dots enough to know that these situations are linked (i.e. getting closer to learning more about the sa and wanting to act out).

I'd be really helpful to get some feedback from someone who has been down this path and can speak to this issue. How do you juggle it? Is it something that's just managed? I occasionally attended 12 step meetings to deal with this but didn't feel like the meetings were the right place for me. I don't want to go back because I genuinely don't feel that the central issue. (I can go weeks even months with no interest in physical activity).

Reading many of the other sentiments posted here was comforting because the connection between acting out and the sa trauma was a connection I never previously made.

Anyway enough babbling. Any words of wisdom and experience are appreciated.

Thanks and peace,
Dan
 
Dan,
I am not sure if I can help. Where it comes to sexuality, I have attempted to ignore it. I have only had sex once, and I was drunk with someone I met at a party. We have never seen each other since.
I am confused about my sexuality. I love women, but find myself attracted to men. I have not been with a guy, but find myself frequently wondering if I would enjoy it or not.
THis may no tbe a help, but it offers a different point of view. I hope you can find the answers you are looking for!
Casey
 
there was a point where i attended SLAA meetings, thinking i was addicted to sex. what i found was that once i realized what was driving it, and i began honestly dealing with it, sex was more controlable. acting out was easy when it was just sex, but it became harder when it was a symptom, part of a problem. to act out now means i am taking a step backward. it means being untrue to who i am and what i want from life. it has been a long time since i've done anything like that.

i was one that if i could rationalize it, i would do it. when i quit rationalizing, it was a lot harder to act out, whether it was cyberying, meeting people for sex or even porn. i started to understand i was hurting someone, me.

well anyway, it worked when i changed how i looked at it. i'm not sure it'll help you, but it helped me.
 
Dan,

I don't know if it's enough to tell you that fantasizing, acting out, desiring guys is a normal way in which we react to the very abnormal events in our lives as CSA survivors.

Welcome, by the way, to the group of the very best men you have ever met. We are sorry that you had to go looking for a place like this, but we are happy that you've found us and we hope that you will make yourself at home as you work toward your recovery.

There are many good articles, here, available to you, about sexual orientation confusion and other reactions to what has happened to us, including suggestions on how to find a good therapist, if you don't already have one.

You will find that there are guys here who will sound as if they are writing your story...some of us have had such similar reactions to the terrible things that happened to us at such an early age.

The number one reaction is that we felt isolated, believing that we were the only ones to suffer such indigities.

Keep coming back, join us in membership, keep reading, keep posting and above all, know that you are a welcomed brother to the best brotherhood, in this life; caring men, caring for one another.

David
 
Dan: I acted out for 3 1/2 years as a male prostitute catering to clients involved in Kink and Violence. After I got off the streets I continued to act out until I was almost 56. I am 63 now and a hustler 18-21. I would get the urge and go looking for it and would not stop until I got an almost near death experience then it would settle down again for a while. I admit it gave me a rush everytime.

Now when I feel it coming on I turn to exercise. I get the same endorphin rush with non of the shame and guilt that acting out caused me. And the danger I put both my wife and daughter in. And it is beneficial. My body is changing and I like that.

Do I get the urges. You bet but they are receding now because I exercise on a regular basis. I guess I am addicted to that now but I can actually live with it.
 
Dan,

Welcome here and I'm sorry you had to find this site in the first place. This is a great place for survivors and, as has been said previously, there is not a better group of guys around.

I went through a lot of this stuff too. I would get stressed/anxious about something going on at work or at home, something that made me feel like I wasn't in control of my life. I would spiral down and eventually have some anonymous sex with some guy. Usually it was some sort of re-enactment of the original abuse. I thought that I was in control of the situation but I wasn't, I was acting just the same as I did when I was eleven. What finally turned it around for me was when I realized that I jeopardizing my health, my relationship, my life and my family. Not only that but whoever I was engaging in sex with could be just as emotionally hurting as I was. I couldn't stand the idea that I could be contributing to hurting a fellow survivor.

I hope that you find a good therapist, if you haven't already got one, to help you through this. The resources here on the MS website are great and very helpful.

Take good care of yourself, you're among friends,

Steve
 
Dan
I too have a history of acting out with strange men, I did it for a few years - probably age 45 to 47. But with therapy, support and some hard work I havent acted out since May 1999.
Has the temptation ever been there ? you bet it has. I've been close to going there again more than once, but the feeling I get by resisting is better than the guilt and shame I get after acting out. The problem is though that the 'good' part of acting out comes before the 'bad'.
I just had to concentrate on remembering the bad.

Acting out has many roots, but the main one is I think re-enacting some or all aspects of our abuse in an attempt to regain control over them. Just as Stephen said earlier.
But the fact is we can't regain any control over our abuse by re-eneacting it, we regain control by dealing with it through therapy etc.

I thought that if I acted out in a particular way I would be the one in charge and therefore power would return to me. So I created fantasies about my 'perfect' re-enactment where I was actually in charge, but still in a very submissive role ( giving oral sex )This is basically an impossible situation and the moment the other guy said or suggested something the fantasy had gone for me and reality hit. I would run away most times.
The nearest I ever got to my fantasy being fulfilled was even shattered by the other man saying "don't stop !" that was enough of an instruction for me to have lost control of the complete situation.

The whole scenario of acting out is riddled with strange rituals, fantasies and reasons why. And to stop acting out requires great effort and patience to work through every lttle detail.
It's painful, and hard work, but ultimately it's worth it.

A lot of us here have been there Dan, we know it's not what we wanted to do, and many of us have stopped. I know 100% that I'm not going to do it again, I've had the chance recently when approached by another man and I walked away.
Stick with us Dan.

Dave
 
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