More (or less) fun with anxiety- triggers

[Cement]

I always seem to suffer when I take an emotionally honest approach to my chosen (second) profession of teaching.

I have been realizing, again, that I need to remain emotionally distant from the students. I believe I keep a reasonable distance fom each student as an individual, but, I need to keep from beng too open about my own life with the class as a whole.

This triggered me into a very tough period a couple of weeks ago, or was it just last week and it feels like weeks ago?

Part of my difficulty in recovering from being sexually abused has come from my desire to trust people who do not deserve my trust, and the ensuing betrayal I feel. I mean, there is no reason to think average high school students can even grasp the concept of trust, let alone be trustworthy with the understanding of emotional sensitive material.

And then I wonder if I dissociate at certain times, and whoever keeps me safe wakes up more slowly than the rest of my "parts." I have never been tested, but the writing above is very stilted and formal. I usually write more openly and less academically here.

I have my formal evaluation at school tomorrow, second period. I am truly nervous for that very reason. anxiety for a reason - wow, I am not quite sure how to approach this. Maybe I will try to go back to bed.

P.S. I f'ing hate my sister for what she did to me, even if she was still a minor herself. She was my babysitter adn she should have known better, and I loved her as if she were my mother. I had already lost my dad ( left) and my mom (sullen and uincommunicative) and there she was, hurting from the losss, too, but she hurt me and I didn't deserve that.

James

 

[Lloydy]

James
It's difficult to sense who to be emotionally open with, and who to set boundaries with. Although your students would probably fall into the 'boundaries' section.

Trust is a big part of the choice, and as you say, students aren't the obvious choice for an adult to exchange trust with.
Even the few teachers I did like and respect, I couldn't trust at that age. Perhaps it was my experience of sexual, emotional and physical abuse by the rest of them that made me like that? But I was rebelling against authority like most kids do, so I didn't trust adults anyway, like most of my peers.

Dave

 

[outis]

James,

Trust and boundaries are among the things that people betrayed against us. We learned some twisted lessons growing up.

I've never forgotten the imagery of the tree which grows around the power lines after it's been cut. It's not the same as the "normal tree," but that doesn't stop it from reaching for the sky.

Thanks,

Joe

P.S. Belated Happy Birthday!

 

[Cement]

Thanks Joe and Dave.

I had a very positive evaluation by the Principal of the school I teach at. Had a hard time accepting her exuberant praise. Odd, that.

I can remember, and feel, an insult a fellow student hurled at me 20 years ago, and I can barely feel the glowing words of a professional evaluator given to me two days ago.

That isn't right, and I am working on accepting the positive. 'Nough said.

Peace,
James