more memories..more questions...more pain..
lipsticklullabies
Registrant
uuuuuuuuuuuughhhh
it happened again
i had a dream last night
and i didnt remember it until later this morning.
but all of a sudden it hit me, and i remembered the dream
its kind of weird, so at first im just like, well obviously thats not a memory, but the more i think about it, the more, i know it is, but things that are wrong/different, just represent things....
its veg (spelling?sorry)
all i remember is
i was laying on my stomach.
in a white shirt, it had something on the front, there was detial that i know was there the, i just dont remember it now.
idk what kinda pants
on a blue sleeping bag (the inside is blue and white plaid, i own this sleeping bag btw.)
it was open
my friend dustin was sitting next to me, at my waist.
he put his hand near my, ass..
(thisissoembarrassing btw.)
he started, to, finger me..
with two fingers
and i F E L T it.
I said no and he, said something like, no lets just try,
thats
exactly
what
"he"
said
when
he
raped
me.
later in the dream, or later in a different dream, or just last night,
i was at my old camp and me and my friends were mad at them for like, the service we were getting and i said something like,
that i was sueing cause i got molested there
idk if that means i really did get hurt at camp or not.
but i always brought that blue sleeping bag to camp?
fuck idk.
the reason i thought at first it was just a weird dream was because, obviously dustin didnt' hurt me,
ive only known him a couple years,
this shit goes back farther than that.
i just have this feeling that that happened to me,
not maybe EXACTLY like that but close,
laying down
having him touch my back and try and talk me into it
it was so fucking real
it wasn't random.
the night before me, my friend cate, and our friend amber were driving home from ambers work and she was upset and talking about stuff, she said stuff about her always having to pretending to be happy, i told her, you dont have to pretend to be happy with us amber, and she said, noyou dont get it, i was molested when i was younger, so i waited a beat, took a deep breath and real steady i said, no amber, i get it.
by the time we got to her house i was hyperventaling, unfortunatly I WAS driving, but we werent that far away.
they didnt know i was,
im good at hiding shit.
i just yeah, got over it cause thats how i roll.
i guess the thing is that
see im super hypocondrical,
so part of me is bein all, maybe youre making this shit up, maybe youre nuts,
ya know, there ARE people that do that, they're that mental, like, its a thing in their head, ive heard about it "to them it IS real"
and everytime i have a memory and have to think about it, the more scared i am that it IS real.
i guess i hold on to that, whole, maybe im mental thing, because i wish it wasn't real. i wish i could go into a therapist and have them be like, yeah no youre crazy, and have them fix me and ill be fine.
i know its not that easy though.
today was so stressful, my OCD was soo bad.
i had to go to the store with my mom to buy a stero for my car, cause she was getting grocerys there and i dont have a lot of gas.
so i was helping her put grocerys on the lane thing and i was lining them up in certian ways and shit and she was
putting
things
in
randomly
i got so mad at her
afte ri was done doing that, i rubbed my hands together for so long and so hard they got so hot and red, they were so sore for hours.
so basicallllly
today sucked
im glad i have you guys to fall back on
//josh
it happened again
i had a dream last night
and i didnt remember it until later this morning.
but all of a sudden it hit me, and i remembered the dream
its kind of weird, so at first im just like, well obviously thats not a memory, but the more i think about it, the more, i know it is, but things that are wrong/different, just represent things....
its veg (spelling?sorry)
all i remember is
i was laying on my stomach.
in a white shirt, it had something on the front, there was detial that i know was there the, i just dont remember it now.
idk what kinda pants
on a blue sleeping bag (the inside is blue and white plaid, i own this sleeping bag btw.)
it was open
my friend dustin was sitting next to me, at my waist.
he put his hand near my, ass..
(thisissoembarrassing btw.)
he started, to, finger me..
with two fingers
and i F E L T it.
I said no and he, said something like, no lets just try,
thats
exactly
what
"he"
said
when
he
raped
me.
later in the dream, or later in a different dream, or just last night,
i was at my old camp and me and my friends were mad at them for like, the service we were getting and i said something like,
that i was sueing cause i got molested there
idk if that means i really did get hurt at camp or not.
but i always brought that blue sleeping bag to camp?
fuck idk.
the reason i thought at first it was just a weird dream was because, obviously dustin didnt' hurt me,
ive only known him a couple years,
this shit goes back farther than that.
i just have this feeling that that happened to me,
not maybe EXACTLY like that but close,
laying down
having him touch my back and try and talk me into it
it was so fucking real
it wasn't random.
the night before me, my friend cate, and our friend amber were driving home from ambers work and she was upset and talking about stuff, she said stuff about her always having to pretending to be happy, i told her, you dont have to pretend to be happy with us amber, and she said, noyou dont get it, i was molested when i was younger, so i waited a beat, took a deep breath and real steady i said, no amber, i get it.
by the time we got to her house i was hyperventaling, unfortunatly I WAS driving, but we werent that far away.
they didnt know i was,
im good at hiding shit.
i just yeah, got over it cause thats how i roll.
i guess the thing is that
see im super hypocondrical,
so part of me is bein all, maybe youre making this shit up, maybe youre nuts,
ya know, there ARE people that do that, they're that mental, like, its a thing in their head, ive heard about it "to them it IS real"
and everytime i have a memory and have to think about it, the more scared i am that it IS real.
i guess i hold on to that, whole, maybe im mental thing, because i wish it wasn't real. i wish i could go into a therapist and have them be like, yeah no youre crazy, and have them fix me and ill be fine.
i know its not that easy though.
today was so stressful, my OCD was soo bad.
i had to go to the store with my mom to buy a stero for my car, cause she was getting grocerys there and i dont have a lot of gas.
so i was helping her put grocerys on the lane thing and i was lining them up in certian ways and shit and she was
putting
things
in
randomly
i got so mad at her
afte ri was done doing that, i rubbed my hands together for so long and so hard they got so hot and red, they were so sore for hours.
so basicallllly
today sucked
im glad i have you guys to fall back on
//josh