More feelings

More feelings
A

ak

Registrant
It seem some time, I am more vulnerble to feeling things I am not sure even what they are sometime. I do not know why that happen, what happen to make them so much closer to me. Some days, maybe it is I am more turned off my feelings again, and other times they are more open to me? Yesterday, last night, I was feeling things inside me, that I did not know what they are. Maybe confusion. I do not know. When I was at gym earlier, I was hitting the punch bag and it seemed to trigger me, not really in bad way, but to trigger like feelings in me. Feelings that seemed against each other, like feeling strong, physically, when lot of time I do not feel that way. It is like almost confusion is trigger itself. Right now, I think I feel ok, but like at any time, something can happen. Like I am just waiting something to happen. I am not sure how to do it, how to try to bring down those feelings, being nervous of 'something' to happen, when nothing is happening. Am not sure quite what I am saying. I have mostly been good in mood and feeling lately, other then physical, so I am not sure what this is.

Andrei
 
Andrei:

Feeling strong physically. Wow. NOw that is something. Because of SA we have always felt weak because we did not stop it. As if wo could!!
Feeling strong is a wonderful feeling, I think because it gives us control and begins to bolster that inner strength (emotional) that we had taken away.

Good for you!!!!
 
I think I could get my ass kicked by 80 year old women. The abuse which happened at 12 and the fact that my father was sick took its toll. I never learned how to defend myself.

Jason
 
Andrei, I think alot here understand confusion. I have been feeling emotions that I never knew I had. Old ones are stronger, too. The rollercoaster doesnt make much sense, but I think it is normal. I think I am beginning to understand what love, and hate, truely are. The gym seems like the perfect place though. I was a bit older at the time of my SA, 10-11. I hated myself for not fighting back. I vowed to never make that mistake again. I played contact sports, football, wrestling. The physical discipline was good. It was an outlet. I got to hurt people, I must admit that I enjoyed that. I made others feel pain and was empowered by it. I look back now and realize why I did it. And, damn, I was an asshole. Hurt so I feel better. I feel guilty now for things I did. I hurt so many people physically and emotionaly. I dont like to hurt people anymore, but have when they needed it.
It made me stronger, but certainly not better.
It took a very loving woman to do that.
Sorry, I rambled again.
mh
 
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