more EMDR for Orodo
**Possible trigger***
I had another EMDR session today. The objective was to reprocess all the emotions and
stress related to the abuse at the hands of my first perpetrator (a priest) and another
perpetrator whom I had told about this first abuse. The second perp was my babysitters
son, who was about 17, when I was about 10. Both of these perps still live in my
hometown. The first is now an ex-priest, who was shuffled around the Diocese, where he
likely perpetrated against other children, and is possibly still perpetrating against
children. Right close to home. The second perp, the baby sitters son, lives next door to
my Mom and Dads home, where I grew up. He still lives with his Mom and Dad. I visit
my Mom and Dad every Sunday for lunch, and bring my kids and wife there, and have
been having a really hard time with going to my Mom and Dads home. A place where I
should feel safe and secure, and where I should feel my kids are safe, but I cannot get
there. Before we got started, she asked me to rate my level of emotion with regard to my
first abuser. The objective would be to have me rate that abuse as a zero on a scale of 1
to 10. I rated it a 2. Then she asked me to rate my stress level with regard to my second
abuse. I rated it a 9. So there we go. The following could be triggering to some, as I am
going to give details about my abuse. If you dont want to go there, stop here.
So last session, you can read my previous post. See
https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001188
So I was right on time for my appt. My wife and I have been having a hard time. Our
relationship, IMHO, is on the rocks. She was POd cuz I went to this appointment. Ill
leave my wife and Is relationship out of this for now, cuz thats too long a story to go
into for this post.
I got comfy in the Lazy Boy chair, asked her to turn off the big lights, and maybe turn on
a lamp. EMDR can be done in three ways that i know of, with eye movements (therapist
moves a hand or finger before your eyes, and you follow it with your eyes) auditory (you
wear a head set and tones beep in left and right ear) or tactile, (you hold two nodes, one
in each hand and they pulse or vibrate left and right hand). Ive been using tactile
EMDR. I close my eyes, and she asks me to visualize or remember. I can talk it out or
just go there in my head. Today, i chose to talk it out loud. Otherwise, she would have
stopped, and asked me to repeat to her where I had gone in my mind, and what was going
on. Talking it through was the best yet. And here is what happened.
I went back to my first memories of my first sexual encounter with the babysitters son.
Ill call him Dufus. I visualized sitting on his lap, watching TV. Beverly Hillbillies
were on. It was right after school. I was in third grade. I had no homework. I
remembered talking with him about Ellie Mae Clampit. He was touching me on my
shoulders my back my butt. This was in the den. I told him that the priest at the church
liked to feel me that way too. I asked him why and what did it mean. Dufus told me that
he liked to feel my body too. That it was normal for boys to play like that. It feels good,
and its ok. He told me he liked to play ellie may clampit. And he grabbed my crotch
really hard. I got hard almost instantly. He told me to come upstairs to his bedroom and
watch Price is right. I went. The door to his room was very old. He jammed a coat
hanger into the latch to lock it. He draped a dirty sock over the hole, so no one could see
into the room. He turned on TV. He said Ill show you something even more fun than
ellie may clampit. He asked to see my penis, to see if it was normal, and big like his. I
said ok. I took off my pants. He checked it out with his hands. He told me its more fun
to play with someone elses penis than your own. He asked me if Id ever played with
myself. I said no. He showed me how. He put a little spit in his hand, rubbed it on his
penis, and started to jerk off. Asked me to try it. I did. He offered and started to jerk me
off. He said my penis was too dry. Needed to be wetter. He started to suck me off. It
tickled. It hurt. It felt good. Back in the chair, i was getting a hard on. Kinda
embarrassing. But my eyes were closed, and my therapist is safe. I trust her. I could not
feel the pulses in my hands anymore. I figured she had turned them off cuz i was going
too fast. In reality, she had sped up the pulses, I was very very deep into my
subconscious mind. The price is right show ended at 3:30. Somehow, Dufus
remembered that I had to go serve at Mass for 4:00. He stopped, told me not to tell
anyone what hed showed me, cuz it was just for us guys. I went off to church, with a
hardon. When igot to church, my priest perp was there, and he tired to jerk me off in the
sacristy of the church. By the time i got home, I was so horny, and my little 10 year old
penis was sore. And red. Bruised even. But no blood. So my therapist, now intervenes.
She tells me to go back there while the price is right is on. Go into the room, as ME,
grown up ME, and rescue the boy, the little Orodo. So off I go. Up the stairs. Its dark.
Dufuss sister is behind me. I get to the door. I knock. I yell. I ask what is going on in
there. LET ME IN. The boy and Dufus say were just watching tv. I hear shuffling,
and mumbling, like someone is in a hurry. I pound on the door. LET ME IN. I cant
break down the door. Dufuss sister says ill get a screwdriver to open it and she never
comes back. She is the same sister that almost caught him one time, but never did ask
the right questions. Finally, the door opens. The boy is sitting on the bed, hands on his
knees watching tv. Dufus is cleanin his room. I ask what the fuck is going on. Why is
the door locked if they are just watching Tv. i dunno, just wanted to be left alone from
my sister answers dufus. I tell dufus i will deal with him later. I take the little boy, and
bring him downstairs to the kitchen table. I ask him what happened, its ok to tell me, he
wont be punished, he cant do any wrong in my book. He is silent. Nothing. He is
totally spaced out. Says nothing. I cant get him to talk or come back to me. I feel so
helpless unable to help him. Therapist tells me to go back, and find an ally to help me
out with this little boy, cuz he really needs someone to talk to right now. And guess who
I found.......this was incredible.......Lightfang.
Lightfang, my hero, my brother, from NOMSV/Male Survivor. Thank God, Jesus and
Mary for Lightfang.
Lightfang showed up, as a 14 year old boy. And sat down beside me. LF told the little
boy, no matter what happened up there, its ok. You didnt ask for it, sure it might have
felt good, but that kind of stuff is usually for grown ups. You can say no. Dont ever let
him touch you there again, your privates are yours and yours alone. You can tell me or
anyone about it, and you will be believed. Because hes not nice, hes the one wholl be
punished. Dont feel ashamed that it felt good. You are a good kid. LF then messed
up the little boys hair. He said come outside and ill show you how to pass a football
And off they went. Smiling. Holding hands. Brothers. Safe brothers. (IM CRYing
again, just writing this............)
So therapist tells me to go back to the room upstairs. And bring some allies this time. So
i have LF, Dufuss sister, my mom, my dad, my two sisters, and all the brothers from
NOMSV ive come to know. My therapists were there. My pastor from my church too.
I kick down the door with one blow. Dufuss head is in the little boys crotch. For some
reason, i have a whip and a crowbar. I use the whip on Dufuss ass. he rolls to the floor.
LF takes the little boy away. I whip Dufuss ass again. and again and again. until it bleed
s. He rolls onto his back. I kick his balls up inside of him. Bash his head with the
crowbar. Now that hes passed out, I tell him you ever touch that boy again, and you
will suffer more than this. And i threw his sorry bloody ass out the second floor
window.
Then my T said i needed to get safe again. I need to absorb and bring those qualities that
LF had demonstrated so much of with my little boy. The strength. The knowledge. The
right words. I need all that. For me, and for others. There are so many others. I am not
alone. So I tried to find LFs strength, courage, healing, and make him my role model. I
could not find it. I didnt want to take this gift that LF was offering to me. It was truly a
gift, with no reciprocity expected. But i could not accept it. So i went back. Back to a
dream. A dream that LF told me he had about us. I remembered the dream. LF was
trying to rescue his own little boy. His boy was deep in the water. Drowning. LF was
swimming deeper and deeper trying to save him. The LF boy was too far away. LF could
not breath. Now LF was in trouble. My hand reached out. I took LFs hand. I pulled
him out of the water from so far down deep. LF boy was already in the canoe with me. I
had already saved him. And now id save LF. and lil Orodo appeared in the boat with
us. Imagine the scene in my mind. Me, LF, lil me, lil LF. All paddling away in the same
canoe. In the same direction. Healing. INCREDIBLY PEEACEFULL FEALING.
I cried alot. I am crying again. I suspect ill cry more. I have a long way to go. But this
EMDr made me realize. I am powerful. I am strong. I have what i Need. Iknow what i
need. I just need to do it. I can be stronger. I can be whomever I want. and i dont need
to figure that out right now if i dont want to. It will come with time.
I had another EMDR session today. The objective was to reprocess all the emotions and
stress related to the abuse at the hands of my first perpetrator (a priest) and another
perpetrator whom I had told about this first abuse. The second perp was my babysitters
son, who was about 17, when I was about 10. Both of these perps still live in my
hometown. The first is now an ex-priest, who was shuffled around the Diocese, where he
likely perpetrated against other children, and is possibly still perpetrating against
children. Right close to home. The second perp, the baby sitters son, lives next door to
my Mom and Dads home, where I grew up. He still lives with his Mom and Dad. I visit
my Mom and Dad every Sunday for lunch, and bring my kids and wife there, and have
been having a really hard time with going to my Mom and Dads home. A place where I
should feel safe and secure, and where I should feel my kids are safe, but I cannot get
there. Before we got started, she asked me to rate my level of emotion with regard to my
first abuser. The objective would be to have me rate that abuse as a zero on a scale of 1
to 10. I rated it a 2. Then she asked me to rate my stress level with regard to my second
abuse. I rated it a 9. So there we go. The following could be triggering to some, as I am
going to give details about my abuse. If you dont want to go there, stop here.
So last session, you can read my previous post. See
https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001188
So I was right on time for my appt. My wife and I have been having a hard time. Our
relationship, IMHO, is on the rocks. She was POd cuz I went to this appointment. Ill
leave my wife and Is relationship out of this for now, cuz thats too long a story to go
into for this post.
I got comfy in the Lazy Boy chair, asked her to turn off the big lights, and maybe turn on
a lamp. EMDR can be done in three ways that i know of, with eye movements (therapist
moves a hand or finger before your eyes, and you follow it with your eyes) auditory (you
wear a head set and tones beep in left and right ear) or tactile, (you hold two nodes, one
in each hand and they pulse or vibrate left and right hand). Ive been using tactile
EMDR. I close my eyes, and she asks me to visualize or remember. I can talk it out or
just go there in my head. Today, i chose to talk it out loud. Otherwise, she would have
stopped, and asked me to repeat to her where I had gone in my mind, and what was going
on. Talking it through was the best yet. And here is what happened.
I went back to my first memories of my first sexual encounter with the babysitters son.
Ill call him Dufus. I visualized sitting on his lap, watching TV. Beverly Hillbillies
were on. It was right after school. I was in third grade. I had no homework. I
remembered talking with him about Ellie Mae Clampit. He was touching me on my
shoulders my back my butt. This was in the den. I told him that the priest at the church
liked to feel me that way too. I asked him why and what did it mean. Dufus told me that
he liked to feel my body too. That it was normal for boys to play like that. It feels good,
and its ok. He told me he liked to play ellie may clampit. And he grabbed my crotch
really hard. I got hard almost instantly. He told me to come upstairs to his bedroom and
watch Price is right. I went. The door to his room was very old. He jammed a coat
hanger into the latch to lock it. He draped a dirty sock over the hole, so no one could see
into the room. He turned on TV. He said Ill show you something even more fun than
ellie may clampit. He asked to see my penis, to see if it was normal, and big like his. I
said ok. I took off my pants. He checked it out with his hands. He told me its more fun
to play with someone elses penis than your own. He asked me if Id ever played with
myself. I said no. He showed me how. He put a little spit in his hand, rubbed it on his
penis, and started to jerk off. Asked me to try it. I did. He offered and started to jerk me
off. He said my penis was too dry. Needed to be wetter. He started to suck me off. It
tickled. It hurt. It felt good. Back in the chair, i was getting a hard on. Kinda
embarrassing. But my eyes were closed, and my therapist is safe. I trust her. I could not
feel the pulses in my hands anymore. I figured she had turned them off cuz i was going
too fast. In reality, she had sped up the pulses, I was very very deep into my
subconscious mind. The price is right show ended at 3:30. Somehow, Dufus
remembered that I had to go serve at Mass for 4:00. He stopped, told me not to tell
anyone what hed showed me, cuz it was just for us guys. I went off to church, with a
hardon. When igot to church, my priest perp was there, and he tired to jerk me off in the
sacristy of the church. By the time i got home, I was so horny, and my little 10 year old
penis was sore. And red. Bruised even. But no blood. So my therapist, now intervenes.
She tells me to go back there while the price is right is on. Go into the room, as ME,
grown up ME, and rescue the boy, the little Orodo. So off I go. Up the stairs. Its dark.
Dufuss sister is behind me. I get to the door. I knock. I yell. I ask what is going on in
there. LET ME IN. The boy and Dufus say were just watching tv. I hear shuffling,
and mumbling, like someone is in a hurry. I pound on the door. LET ME IN. I cant
break down the door. Dufuss sister says ill get a screwdriver to open it and she never
comes back. She is the same sister that almost caught him one time, but never did ask
the right questions. Finally, the door opens. The boy is sitting on the bed, hands on his
knees watching tv. Dufus is cleanin his room. I ask what the fuck is going on. Why is
the door locked if they are just watching Tv. i dunno, just wanted to be left alone from
my sister answers dufus. I tell dufus i will deal with him later. I take the little boy, and
bring him downstairs to the kitchen table. I ask him what happened, its ok to tell me, he
wont be punished, he cant do any wrong in my book. He is silent. Nothing. He is
totally spaced out. Says nothing. I cant get him to talk or come back to me. I feel so
helpless unable to help him. Therapist tells me to go back, and find an ally to help me
out with this little boy, cuz he really needs someone to talk to right now. And guess who
I found.......this was incredible.......Lightfang.
Lightfang, my hero, my brother, from NOMSV/Male Survivor. Thank God, Jesus and
Mary for Lightfang.
Lightfang showed up, as a 14 year old boy. And sat down beside me. LF told the little
boy, no matter what happened up there, its ok. You didnt ask for it, sure it might have
felt good, but that kind of stuff is usually for grown ups. You can say no. Dont ever let
him touch you there again, your privates are yours and yours alone. You can tell me or
anyone about it, and you will be believed. Because hes not nice, hes the one wholl be
punished. Dont feel ashamed that it felt good. You are a good kid. LF then messed
up the little boys hair. He said come outside and ill show you how to pass a football
And off they went. Smiling. Holding hands. Brothers. Safe brothers. (IM CRYing
again, just writing this............)
So therapist tells me to go back to the room upstairs. And bring some allies this time. So
i have LF, Dufuss sister, my mom, my dad, my two sisters, and all the brothers from
NOMSV ive come to know. My therapists were there. My pastor from my church too.
I kick down the door with one blow. Dufuss head is in the little boys crotch. For some
reason, i have a whip and a crowbar. I use the whip on Dufuss ass. he rolls to the floor.
LF takes the little boy away. I whip Dufuss ass again. and again and again. until it bleed
s. He rolls onto his back. I kick his balls up inside of him. Bash his head with the
crowbar. Now that hes passed out, I tell him you ever touch that boy again, and you
will suffer more than this. And i threw his sorry bloody ass out the second floor
window.
Then my T said i needed to get safe again. I need to absorb and bring those qualities that
LF had demonstrated so much of with my little boy. The strength. The knowledge. The
right words. I need all that. For me, and for others. There are so many others. I am not
alone. So I tried to find LFs strength, courage, healing, and make him my role model. I
could not find it. I didnt want to take this gift that LF was offering to me. It was truly a
gift, with no reciprocity expected. But i could not accept it. So i went back. Back to a
dream. A dream that LF told me he had about us. I remembered the dream. LF was
trying to rescue his own little boy. His boy was deep in the water. Drowning. LF was
swimming deeper and deeper trying to save him. The LF boy was too far away. LF could
not breath. Now LF was in trouble. My hand reached out. I took LFs hand. I pulled
him out of the water from so far down deep. LF boy was already in the canoe with me. I
had already saved him. And now id save LF. and lil Orodo appeared in the boat with
us. Imagine the scene in my mind. Me, LF, lil me, lil LF. All paddling away in the same
canoe. In the same direction. Healing. INCREDIBLY PEEACEFULL FEALING.
I cried alot. I am crying again. I suspect ill cry more. I have a long way to go. But this
EMDr made me realize. I am powerful. I am strong. I have what i Need. Iknow what i
need. I just need to do it. I can be stronger. I can be whomever I want. and i dont need
to figure that out right now if i dont want to. It will come with time.
