More details, more shame...

More details, more shame...
S

survive75

Registrant
Hey all... feeling close to losing it. The other night I was triggered during/after sex with my g/f. I freaked out on her and some details of the abuse that I wasn't ready to tell her ending up coming out.

Since then, I've been really distant from her. It just feels awkward between us and I don't know what to do. I do NOT want to talk about this with her. I've barely dealt with the stuff that was brought up. I feel disgusted that it happened and I'm consumed by shame now that she knows some details...

Does this ever get better? Do you ever get used to telling? Sometimes I just want out. Or I want to take it all back... every post I've written here, every therapy session where I talked about it, everything... I don't want anyone to ever know, ever.

Sorry, just feeling hopeless tonight.

-Sean
 
I know how you feel Sean. Sometimes, it just doesn't feel like there's an end.

But if you didn't talk about it, if you didn't try to take back what was taken from you, it wouldn't get better. It would get worse.

Believe me, it's hard for ME to talk about this garbage, but every time I tell my story, I take back a piece of what was stolen from me. Every unpleasant memory has given me back another piece of myself.

Despite the pain, I'm glad I have them back.

I hope this helps. You're in my thoughts tonight.

Peace and love, my brother,

Scot
 
sean,
i remember the strength of my silence all those years.while it is true that the actual recall of the abuse itself started only a year ago, i still remember the strength of my silence. i was a rock for all who needed me because i refused to complicate things by breaking my silence. the strength people saw in me! i was a hero because i never broke the silence of my pain and they did not have to reach out to me to interupt their own litany. i remember the silence i never broke, even on the day the one i loved more than life itself walked out the door for the last time. no one heard me for i never broke the silence. does it ever stop? i still don't know the answer, sean. what i do know is that the srength of my silence led me so many times to the everlasting silence. would it have stopped then? somehow, i don't think so, because if no one heard my silent screams in life how could there have been peace when i carried the silence with me?

i know what you are going through. if we could just take it all back and live in our silence then no one would ever know the pain of our past and its shame. if we could just keep it all to ourselves then we could be heroes again...men of steel. but, if we kept it all to ourselves, what could we share with those who cross our journeys? i remember the strength of my silence...as i stood there all alone. in that kind of silence, sean, i strained to hear my own breathing just to know i still could.

we lived the life of silence far too long, my friend. the strength of silence is the lonliness. what is the greater tragedy?

talk, my brother.
 
Sean, I suspect that you are concerned that she knows stuff now thaat she could use to hurt you. You may also feel some of that senseless shame we feel over something that was in no way our fault.

Guys who have wives and girlfriends are better able to advise you on this matter. If you believe that you have a solid relationship with your girl friend, then I do think you need to let her know that when you get spoked while making love, that it is not her fault, it is not rejection of her, and you in no way mean for her to feel guilty about it.

Take care Sean. I hope that the love you share might be healing for you.

Bob
 
Sean
You don't say how your girlfriend reacted, but if she loves you I bet she's struggling to understand - nearly as much as you are.

When we are going through the earlier stages of dealing with all this crap we have so much to deal with, and every extra person who becomes involved seems like another great burden to carry.
But I believe it's the truth that every time we tell someone a little bit more then it releases a bit from ourselves.
And don't forget that we've tried to do it alone, and I know that it didn't work for me.

For 31 years I thought that I could "cure myself" - who was I kidding ?
Other people are nearly always far more understanding than we ever imagine they will be, but they need to be included as much as possible.
There are still some things, very few things, that my wife doesn't know. But they're the things I still struggle with myself - so I'm going to have to tell her these last bits sometime.

It's not easy, although it does get easier.

Dave
 
You know what finally brings you peace, acceptance. It sounds simple, but I know it isnt. It is a long journey from victim to survivor to whole person. You will find when you are no longer ashamed of the things you have done, they loose their power. It is the shame that has you feeling this way, not the things you did.

Look, I can say for sure that whatever you did, people have been doing for thousands of years. You feel sick because you did oral on a guy, or you did this or that, but it is nothing that others havent done. Hell, Ive been with animals of all things. Talk about something that makes you ill. Ive come to understand first that Im not the only man who has ever done this, and second, I cant change it. I can choose not to do it again. I can hold it out as a lesson for others. There are things I can do, the rest has to be cut loose. You have to start again at some point, and accept that there are things you can never change, and shouldnt try. Whatever you have done, its okay. It is part of you now. Treasure the lessons it taught you, and the strength that makes it something you will never do again. Treasure the memories as part of what makes you the special person you are now, stronger and wiser for having lived it. There is where strength and power comes from.

Each of us must make this journey, and nothing I can say will make it for you. Acceptance, forgiveness and release come from inside. You alone can forgive yourself for what happened, and learn to be yourself without shame and guilt. I can say I have slept with animals, because I accept it as part of what I am, and I realize thats not who I have become. I have risen above it, but it is still a fact I have learned to live at peace with, if any of that makes sense.
 
Hey guys... thanks for the replies. I wish I could say they've helped, but I still have the same gnawing pit in my stomach that I had when I posted this.

I know it will dissipate. I felt like this the first time I told her anything, but I'd been holding onto the details as my last illusion of control.

She has been generally supportive, but after a huge fight last night over me "being distant" I am not exactly feeling like talking to her, or anyone else for that matter. I have a therapy appointment on Thursday that I am seriously considering cancelling, even though I know it is what I need right now.

There is such power in silence for me. I hear everything everyone is saying, and I know I would give the same advice, but it is SO much easier said than done.

-Sean
 
Sean
silence is what the perp's want, it gives them strength and power.
It doesn't matter if you're not actually pursuing them through the courts or whatever, just speaking about their vile acts to us, and especially your therapist, kills the power.

Be kind to your girlfriend Sean, give her some time and space if she needs it. Don't forget that what happened to us is something that is thankfully way outside most peoples comprehension. She might need some time to figure this stuff out.
You said she was 'generally supportive' hey, that's more than many people would be, work on that and don't drive her away.

I want you to walk through the therapists door on thursday, don't dissapoint me now ;)

Dave
 
Sean, I feel SO much, what you feel, of wanting to take it all back, for no one to know. I want so much to hide it away in my brain again, and I do not know how I did that for so many years. I am not sure what I am hating worse right now, what had happened in past, or trying to heal from it.

BUT, I am trying to maintain some hope, that it does get better, and to go through all this, it is worth it. I do believe that. Sometime I forget that I think that way, and believe that, but I do know it and believe it. To lose my hope of that, to me, that would mean they took all from me. Because that is one thing I still can hold onto, and know that I have it, that I still have faith, and I still look forward to better days ahead. They have not taken that from me somehow, and I do not wish to forfeit it on my own. I am not sure how much sense that makes, but it does to me.

It is not your shame, even though we feel we must own it. It is not my shame either, yet I have hard time usually to believe that. I hope that you can find that to be truth for you soon. I wish you well.

leosha
 
Patience in ourselves and our partners may be what we need most at this point and may also be what is most illusive.

As we all know, healing is a very difficult process. It requires saying/telling things that repluse and terrify us, that we feel guilty and shameful about. Fortunately, we do not have to tell them all at once but can choose to tell each part as we feel ready to do so.

The relief I have experienced by telling a lot here, a lot to my therapist and some to my partner has been extraordinary and something that at one time I thought would be entirely impossible.

Brett
 
Made it to therapy yesterday (thanks for the push Lloydy!) Did a lot of work around why sex is so difficult for me. Besides dealing with the flashbacks, a lot came up around anger at my mother of all things! Anger for not stopping the physical abuse, anger that it was someone she chose to bring into my life, anger that the signs of SA were all there but she chose to see them as something else. It was weird how that all sort of made sense of not feeling safe with my g/f and getting really angry with her after the flashbacks came during sex.

The mind can be a weird thing, but it makes sense once you're able to figure out what the hell it's doing! I just wish it were more obvious sometimes!

Anyway - thanks all for being there through this week of hell. Glad to say I'm feeling much better.

-Sean
 
it is absolutely shocking what comes out along the way, and sometimes it doesnt feel too good. i know how hard it is to find that you are angry with someone you love. when i got digging and found out that i nearly hated both my parrents, when i really didnt want to feel that way, it was hard. on the bright side, now that you know about these feelings, you can work on dealing with them. hang in there. thing's will get easier with time. i think sometimes we try to rush things, and expect quick fixes. it took a lifetime to create our lives, and it'll take years to renew our spirit.
 
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