Monday guilt

Monday guilt
J

Jaysen

Registrant
Hope no one minds if I beat myself up a little bit here...

Seriously, I have to be the biggest idiot that ever lived. I have absolutely no control over myself. This weekend I went out and got myself complety wasted and all fucked up by this guy that I barely know.... I mean I've met him maybe twice. I can't even tell you what his name is.
I don't remember how I got to his house and I have no memory of what we did... but of course I know, I can guess by the way my body and mind felt yesterday.

I'm looking at myself, completely clueless, thinking "where did I get this bruise? where the hell did this mark come from?" then it all comes back and I'm like "what the hell did I do last ni... ah shit..."

So OF COURSE I'm feeling guilty/ashamed, all those feelings, all over again. I'm a goddamn dumb shit for doing this to myself over and over again.

I need to stop, I'm going to end up hurt beyond repair, sick or dead if I don't. I know this is something only I have the power to change. Every week I tell myself that this weekend is going to be different, but it never is.

I don't even recognize myself anymore, can't even look in the mirror... I'm too disgusted with the person looking back. I feel like shit.

Jaysen
 
i am sorry my friend. i wont say anything, because you already know and feel bad enough. i just want you to know, you arent the only one that has acted out in bad ways. all you can do now is deal with it and move on.
 
well, you can start over today. the thing i learned is at some point, you have forgive yourself and start over, and if you fail, you have to begin again until you get there. we all slip and fall sometimes, even healthy people who were never abused. you cannot allow yourself to get stuck in it though. it is done. you can't change it. try again.
 
That's great, really, if it was just a "slip and fall" kind of thing I wouldn't be so hard on myself. But it's not. I don't know maybe it's just me and the abuse has nothing to do with it.
 
it is just as simple as you make it, or just as complex as you allow it to be. yes, there is a pattern there, but we've all fought those here. i slipped bad less than two years ago, and cheated on my wife. i did it over and over for months. i know i could easily do it again, but i am not going to today. you kind of have to celebrate the small victories, and learn to let the slips go. you've gone awhile without doing this, so you are doing better. give yourself some credit. it is important to remember you are trying.
 
Jay,

I can tell you I remember those feelings very well. I would wake up in the morning feeling like death warmed over, bruised, or not knowing where I was. Perhaps the worst was regaining consciousness in a trash can; I think that's about as low as I got.

There's a lot to be said about the effort that needs to be made here Jay. I can tell you that In my case I didn't do it alone and I didn't do it quickly. I needed support and I needed time. So will you.

But one thing to bear in mind is that you won't turn the problem off like turning off the lights. You will fuck up from time to time. At those moments it's absolutely essential that you not tear yourself to pieces, get disgusted with yourself, and so on. If you do that, you will be that much more likely to drown your feelings in alcohol all over again. Try to be gentle with yourself. Sure, set goals and try to be serious about them, but don't expect yourself to be superman. It doesn't work like that.

Much love,
Larry
 
Jaysen,
Be kind to yourself. Above all, treat yourself kindly - even if you think you don't deserve it. Yes, you slipped up - we all have here and some of us worse than you can imagine. You are going to try and realistically, you are going to fail again. It's all part of the crap. But keep trying - you are worth it.

I have found that no, I can't do it on my own. I try to set myself up so that I can't act out. I try to plan time with friends when I feel alone or know that I am going to have time on my hands. Is there anyone you can hang with? or go visit on a weekend? Is there some way you can avoid being alone on a weekend? I don't know...wish i had the magic answer.
Love
Paul
 
Jay,

That may be true enough, but the real issue isn't that you drink, but why you drink. If you can somehow improve how you deal with the underlying causes that could help a lot.

Much love,
Larry
 
True enough. I would just say from my own experience that the more I looked into my abuse issues, the more complicated they seemed to become. That was discouraging for awhile, but more recently that is helping me because it is providing me with answers to so many other questions.

Much love,
Larry
 
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