Mom

LilacLouie

Registrant
I finally sat down and discussed my CSA issue with my mom. I never said who did it, I never pointed fingers. And the first thing out of her mouth is "false memories". WTF?

How the hell does she know it's false memory?

I looked into false memories, and it's clearly not it. With false memories, it seems the person has the capability of changing their story, though sub-consciously, to fit the factors they are presented with. My story, for the early age CSA and for the rape of my late teens, they never change. I cannot truthfully give an age when the early age CSA happened, because I honestly don't know. But it has been 22 years since the rape in my late teens, and the story has been the same for those 22 years.

I know from the beginning I always thought it was my mother. Now I'm wondering even more. I say she either knows who did it, or maybe she did do it after all.

Am I wrong in that assumption? What are the details on false memory? Does her bringing false memory up mean what I think it does?
 
I'd be a little suspicious of her bringing up false memories just like that. It is interesting that she offers an opinion based on little info and doesn't ask questions.

You probably won't get much support there, unfortunately.
 

Trucker51

Registrant
My mom used to completely deny me my memories, and would never admit to her role in my memories. She would tell me that my memories were false or that there was "something wrong" with my memories. Since mom returned to college for her Master's degree, specializing in religious counseling with some focus on the effects of childhood victimization, she has from time to time admitted at least some part of her role on some subjects, claiming that she didn't know and would have done anything to protect me when I was a kid had she known. She still has a really hard time owning-up to some other issues like her blatant medical neglect of myself and my sisters through her extreme unbending devotion to a cult faith-healing religion. But there has been some progress made over time and some admission of my mom's own faults in my childhood abuse, which has helped a bunch.

Hope that your relationship with your own mother can someday be based on greater understanding and respect. The revelation of your victimization must have been a hard pill to digest for your mom. Just because someone is a parent does not give them any special ability to know the most supportive way to respond when their child shares their abuse. Perhaps you might buy your mom an introductory CSA recovery text so that she can learn what the symptoms and recovery issues are and she can correlate those symptoms to your experience. That might be one way to convince your mom that what you have told her has some basis in fact. I am partial to Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS but Mike Lew's book VICTIMS NO LONGER is good and I have heard that COURAGE TO HEAL is a good book too.

I know that it is hard when a parent doesn't believe us or tries to deny what it has taken us so many years to divulge. Don't let her refusal to believe you set you back in your search for what is best for you. Buy her a book on the subject then you will just have to wait. Hopefully through education your mom can come to a better understanding of the issues that you have been facing, and someday you and your mom can enjoy a more-positive relationship.

Mark
 

LilacLouie

Registrant
Exactly Ken. You see, maybe I never was a cop. Maybe I never had any formal training in law enforcement or investigations. But I learned from guys that used to be cops. A guy that used to be Special Forces.

Going based only off of what I know, she did it.

Mark, I hear ya. I may look at those books. I dunno.
 

J1

Registrant
Guys;

I have the same issues...both my parents involved me...dad is dead..mom is over 80...and even in generic discussions over add/hyperactive topics or much else she buries her head in the sand, and even in the face of medical and scientific discussions, a long time ago...she would blurt out things like kids do not need ritalin, its just bad behaviour..In the past i mentioned abuse of boys in a very general way and she blurted out how society has encouraged the "abuse excuse.." as a way to defer responsibilities etc. I was floored...as her reactions are so immediate and slide right past the essence of what I am communicating.

So..while I have not totally disengaged from events where she attends, i have minimized this interaction. At one level, I have to accept that there will likely be no rational discussion of my issues. I want to know what she remembers and I am stuck with being unable to open that door. Part of me has to let it go...as her age and mental condition impact the normal exchange of even mundane ideas. At a higher level, does having her adopt the responsibility or admit the abuse, even get me anywhere? I know her therapist tried to force me into her sessions more than once to find out why I was so disconnected...of course that was to benefit her and the T..I felt that was a total conflict of interest and unprofessional of her T. He also did some other crap to attempt a forced confrontation, with mom, while i had just come off the heals of a near fatal attack during a home invasion.

I had my own T, who was working with my PTSD issues after my attack, in another city, where my home was trashed, I was cut and stabbed at, and I had to shoot the invader...after the cops secured the scene...I called back to my Mom to tell her I was ok, and some friends were with me...she said she was tired and going to sleep and hung up.....soooooo I knew then that my connection with my mom was lost or down to some insane obscure level. I survive....and share my energy with those that have harmony....Jeff
 

LilacLouie

Registrant
I'm sorry to hear that Jeff. It's hard to cut off a relationship, far harder when it's a mom. I have tried with my mom, but she keeps finding a way to get me to talk to her.

Now, I don't think it'll happen again.
 
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