Mom says SHE:S the Victim?!

[Bryan]

Haven:t posted a while, still trying to find my way back to States from Japan, but have been quite triggered/Flashbacks lately by recent Mother contact, see if this makes not-sense to you:

Mom send well-intentioned, but horribly un-informed letter as her *taking responsibility* for my brother:s Physical/Emotional/Sexual Abuse of me-aged 11, as well as her Emotional Abuse at the time telling me *...you only Ask for It*, 2 points, maybe you:ve heard similar from your Family/Abusers:
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MA:s LETTER Point #1 - Abusers Outlast Confrontations by Tuning OUT with Endurance
AKA Winning a War of Attrition

"[Son]...I endured your lengthy phone calls, listened to your anger, rage, pain and tirades of hate toward me" re: [for repeatedly walking out of the room while I was pinned down and being abused].
MY FEELING on LETTER Point #1
Endurance is definitely the word! last Christmas I visited LA and 3.5 years after repeatedly telling them abuse details, I calmly matter-of-factly yet again recited Abuse details, to which she replied "...well...this is NEW INFORMATION!" Again, this was the Nth telling her in 3.5 years. She refuses to access any resources to reconcile our Family Abuse (including, apparently, refusing to visit the Friends and Family section of this Site) or to get any other perspective, excepting a few friends of hers that say just what she wants to hear *There:s nothing you can do now [My Dad LOVES hearing/saying this].* There:s a strange mechanism I:ve found about Abusers; They don:t seem to Listen to the Words being said if it says something Horrific about themself. Not that my resorting to the printed word this last year (and said NEW INFORMATION) has caused any Support to be sought by my Family/Ma in this Matter. That:s bad enough...get this...
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MA:s LETTER pt. #2 - Abusers try to turn the tables and make you out to be the Abuser;
AKA children`s "I know you are, but what am I?"
AKA Transference of Guilt...

"[Son]...I forgive you for sorrow and pain you have caused me. I am trusting that you can come to Forgive me for being an Imperfect Mother. It is very painful to come to grips with the fact that one:s parent is imperfect...I can no longer allow myself to be victimized. I must move through pain of past and get into the present."
MY FEELING #2
I have corrected her repeatedly that she was Emotionally Abusive, encouraged Physical Abuse> led to Sexual Abuse, that not merely *Imperfect* as in forgetting a Birthday Card, but she:s from Hollywood and that:s not a Part she likes to admit she:s Played.

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I watch alot of Hitchcock:s films and The Accused-Wrong/ed Man via Transfer of Guilt are main Themes. My PTSD and the Family saying "This is your problem" has destroyed one of my careers and my Retirement/Savings. She is in Retirement with a paid for home, savings replete. But somehow THE SON/ME is the abusive and needs forgiving!? What is my Victimizing of her?... That I preview for her a book for her to read on Sexual Abuse/Family. She refuses with "I shouldn:t have to, I should be able to just talk with you"
TRANSLATION "Son, I wanna talk this to death, again"[because she didn:t know about sexual abuse]. Then I say, OK, how about a book on Physical Abuse/Family...boy does that get her mad calling her bluff [since she DID know about that abuse].

Those were the most *disturbing* of this *Apology Letter*, which did indeed include some bona fide doses of apologies in reply to Lew:s book Victims No More, Confrontation chapter. However, since she is an undiagnosed Passive-Agressive Emotional Abuser (takes from Dad-> gives to me), and always has to blame me in some way in the same paragraph as an apology, I:m not exactly warming to her Sort-Of-Apologies. I am preparing one *Last* communique (which I:ve entitled "Communique-Shun") replete with graphs and articles on abuse, but it will be ignored or tables-turned again I:m sure, sadly.

I guess I:m here to pass on the sorrow of the loss of my Family, all of whom say the Answer is for me to forget and forgive, but they:ve said so many damaging statements in 4.5 years I simply cannot look Dad in the face and say *Well, Dad, It:s AOK, you currently/NOW saying "I don:t know if this (Abuse) happened or not, Son, but that:s not denial." I wish somebody out there would say "Someday your Family will realize and repent", or "Someday, you May be able to forgive them", I WISH I could forgive them, but I cannot forgive them for not ever Responding to my Cries. One thing is for sure...that day is not today, these kind of sentences from Family simply Trigger too many others in my memory, it:s been a tough couple days.
Sorry for the length, thanks again guys.

 

[Lloydy]

Bryan
perhaps, and this is just a though I had as I re-read your post, you might be pinning too much hope on getting the reaction from your parents that they are either unable to give ( they simply dont understand ) or wont give you ( denial, and their 'need' to keep their lives as they are )

The important person in all this is YOU, and I won't proffess to 'look inside your mind' as far as your desire for parental acknowledgement is concerned, if you feel you need it then that's fine.
But could wait a bit longer?

Perhaps if you were to divert your healing process in another direction for a while and concentrate on your well-being for a while, then maybe the acceptance thing become a more natural, and less forced, process?

I agree that their responses so far have been terrible for you, but maybe backing off will give you some space?

I hope I don't sound too negative here.

Dave

 

[Leosha]

I have been communicating with another person by PM about communicating about abuse with a family member. The thing I believe, you must go into these communications one of two ways. Be prepared for any and all possible responses, knowing what else you can or want to say, knowing how you will deal with them, what you will do next, etc, so that there is no surprise factor or failure to meet expectation; or go into it with no expectation at all, and there for, you can not be dissappointed. It sounds as though you have verbalized your feelings as well as other information to your familly more then once, and they have failed to meet the expectations you have had, and have in fact turn the negative around to you, as if you are abusing them by bringing all this up. I have faced that recently, when I contacted my mother regarding somethign I remember of my father, to see if it is truth or not. She became rather exasperated, saying 'why are you bringing this up again?' With her, I rather know that she has guilty feelings, and that brings her to be short tempered or impatient with me in this healing sometime. I told her fine, I won't bother her with it, and contact me when you want to talk to ME at all. We did not communicate for over a month, and then she call me earlier this week. But not to discuss these things again. And that is fine. Because I accept what I can get from her, and don't expect more. That is my way of dealing. I wish you luck, but please make sure you can wade through the ugly brown muck that your family throws back at you. (Another trick of abusers, baffle them with bullshit, so you don't know what side is up).

leosha