Mom here……

Mom here……
L

Lava

Registrant
My 14 year old son was recently assaulted by a 24 year old female friend of the family. She is currently in jail awaiting either waiting for trial or deciding whether or not to take a plea deal. I’m getting a firsthand view of how biased the justice system is towards females.

My son has refused counseling. The few details I have got about the assault were from the police. He will not speak to me or anyone else about it, yet is determined to face his attacker in court. I am very proud of him for this. He knows that his family not only believe him, but love and support him. We will stand by him during this trial.

I had my own sexual abuse as a child and I understand why he won’t talk about it. But I also understand how much counseling could have helped me at the time. I know that every experience is different and I’m not saying that I know exactly how he feels, I’m saying I can highly emphasize with him. And because he is a male who was attacked by a female, he will have challenges that I didn’t. He already has challenges because of this fact and I’m sure that there will be more down the road.

I can’t force him to go to a counselor. I can keep asking him to, but he does have a right to refuse and I have to respect that to some degree.

How can I be as supportive as possible during this? He and his father haven’t been close for a while now and I really feel like my son needs a supportive male right now. I can be supportive as his mom, and as a survivor, but not as a male survivor.

Any advice would be very much appreciated! This has been a very traumatic experience and we haven’t even been to trial yet. The road is going to be rough and I need to give him as much love and support as I can.

Thank You for reading!
 
I am so sorry your son and you are having to go through this. No one should have to process the shame and hurt caused by the desires of improper others. Your son is a teenager, with all that that involves. When he is dealing with the courts and the case, stand strong beside him. Let him be the man he needs to be at that point. Know that in what he is doing now, will come his ability to heal. Now is not necessarily the right time to do the mental unpacking, right now he is concentrating on being strong and ready for a court hearing, that may or may not come. So as I say when he is dealing with the case stand strong by his side, when he is not, treat him like the teenager he is, Help him to keep the two worlds apart. Help him to create a new normal, were he can be an teenager and not an victim of abuse. This not the same as ignoring it, it is giving him space and time away for it, Help him to see this experience does not define him, that this is just a single page in a very long book.

If you like, you could find a counsellor for him, and at an appropriate time give him a business card, or indeed dad could do this, and just say, when and if you need it, we’ve got your back. Then tell him his rooms a mess, and smells, and to bring his washing down, or to do his school work.

Now to your other and separate point. I am so sorry that you know the pain of abuse. I am sure this has been really triggering for you, please take the time you need to process your own feeling around this and your own experiences. Please ask yourself,
what is it you need? If your answer starts with …. My son…. Stop and refocus on the question. What is it YOU need right now? I am not saying you are doing this, it is just something to be aware of, the need for a mother to protect and care for their family and solve the pain they are feeling, can very easily become entangled in your own pain especially when you yourself are being triggered by the experiences of the present time. So please take time to look at and show compassion to your own suffering. if you are suffering and not processing you own emotions you will not be in the best place to be there for your son. If you find your trauma is entangled with your need to solve your son’s trauma then just take a step back and process this and sperate the two and process each in its own way. Afterall you can not take your sons pain away, not mater how much you would want to. You can only support and be a safety net, ready if he needs it, that is the role of ever mom to a teenager.

I am sorry you are having to process this, and I hope there is some help in this response. Remember you’re doing your best with the tools you have. Look how far you have come in your own life and the positives you have created and built. Be proud and see the strength and resilience your mothering has created in your son, and allow him to regain his own power and self pride through this process, and just be there to hold his hand at the times when only a loving mom can.

Sending you a hug.
 
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Lava said:
My 14 year old son was recently assaulted by a 24 year old female friend of the family. She is currently in jail awaiting either waiting for trial or deciding whether or not to take a plea deal. I’m getting a firsthand view of how biased the justice system is towards females.

My son has refused counseling. The few details I have got about the assault were from the police. He will not speak to me or anyone else about it, yet is determined to face his attacker in court. I am very proud of him for this. He knows that his family not only believe him, but love and support him. We will stand by him during this trial.

I had my own sexual abuse as a child and I understand why he won’t talk about it. But I also understand how much counseling could have helped me at the time. I know that every experience is different and I’m not saying that I know exactly how he feels, I’m saying I can highly emphasize with him. And because he is a male who was attacked by a female, he will have challenges that I didn’t. He already has challenges because of this fact and I’m sure that there will be more down the road.

I can’t force him to go to a counselor. I can keep asking him to, but he does have a right to refuse and I have to respect that to some degree.

How can I be as supportive as possible during this? He and his father haven’t been close for a while now and I really feel like my son needs a supportive male right now. I can be supportive as his mom, and as a survivor, but not as a male survivor.

Any advice would be very much appreciated! This has been a very traumatic experience and we haven’t even been to trial yet. The road is going to be rough and I need to give him as much love and support as I can.

Thank You for reading!
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Lava,
I am very sorry for the situation that brought you here. Your son is very fortunate to have your understanding and support and willingness to put his needs before yours to give him the space he needs. That said, I agree with everything the previous poster said about taking care of yourself - this affects you too, as and you deserve support for yourself and also to be in the best space possible to help him. As a father myself, I would desperately want my kid to get counselling, but I agree
While I can only offer my own experience, not advice, because I am not a professional, I’m not qualified,
and I don’t know you or your son,
 
Lava,
I am very sorry for the situation that brought you here. Your son is very fortunate to have your understanding and support and willingness to put his needs before yours to give him the space he needs. That said, I agree with everything the previous poster said about taking care of yourself - this affects you too, and you deserve support for yourself and also to be in the best space possible to help him. As a father myself, I would desperately want my kid to get counselling, but I agree that it can’t be forced.
I can only offer my own experience, not advice, because I am not a professional, I’m not qualified,
and I don’t know you or your son. It can be a bit tricky for a male whose abuse was at the hands of a female because the male is often seen as “lucky” rather than a victim. But she is an adult and he is a child, and this situation was not a male / female dynamic that was appropriate to his own development. It is impossible to tell if this will be damaging for him and I would not assume the worst, but like you, I would be very concerned, and do whatever I could. The fact he is prepared to go to court seems like a good sign that he is not trying to bury this, hide it or deny it, or fail to recognize the impact, which is what I did for a long time . The best I can offer from my own experience is that learning whatever I can the effects of this kind of sexual interference, the treatment possibilities the availability of peer support groups, including online is helpful, and also remembering there is no exact map and story that can tell us what will happen and what to do. Over time I have come to a better understanding of my situation that put me in a better position to do what I can for myself and my family. It can be frustrating that there is less known about female abuse of males, but it has been helpful for me to read everything I could, and to learn filter out whatever may be irrelevant or useless to move toward healing. It takes time.

I do know that he has a caring, empathetic mother by his side, and that gives me great hope that he will be ok.
 
Thank you so much for responding, I didn’t realize how much I needed positive feedback until you gave it to me. I will come back many times to read these words, you guys have provided me a source of strength and understanding, and for that I am beyond grateful! Thank You Thank You Thank You!!!
 
I'm so sorry this happened to your son and to you. I know it would have helped my survivor so much if just one person in his family had noticed and believed and supported him. A loving and supportive mom makes so much difference. Your steadfastly being at his side or at his back will give him a huge leg up on healing from this, not to mention his strength throughout his life. In fact I'd venture to say there's NOTHING more powerful than a healthy supportive mom with good boundaries who validates ones feelings and respects ones autonomy and process and personhood.
Just being there you are making a world of difference.
 
mmfan said:
I'm so sorry this happened to your son and to you. I know it would have helped my survivor so much if just one person in his family had noticed and believed and supported him. A loving and supportive mom makes so much difference. Your steadfastly being at his side or at his back will give him a huge leg up on healing from this, not to mention his strength throughout his life. In fact I'd venture to say there's NOTHING more powerful than a healthy supportive mom with good boundaries who validates ones feelings and respects ones autonomy and process and personhood.
Just being there you are making a world of difference.
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Thank You so much! I wish everyone had love and support during times like these! I’m trying to be the mom I didn’t have, and go from there. The lack of support for males is terrifying!
 
Hey, @Lava, I’m so sorry for you and your son. I read @JethroTull ‘s response and it was excellent. I’m so glad he spoke to you in the situation in addition to responding about your son. I’m not sure where you live, but at 14 you could make him go to counseling (in most states in the US), but it would likely be counterproductive if he is opposed to it right now and he is consumed with getting justice (which is a very healing thing).

As a parent I have very mixed feelings and would have to make this decision based on my kid, his personality, his stage in life, the other current impacts on his mental health, etc. Maybe you could ask him if he would agree to doing counseling while he still lives with you but not now - when he’s 16 or 17? I would ordinarily never press someone to counseling but yeah… you stated what I know to be true: “If I had gotten good counseling at that age, maybe I wouldn’t have had so much baggage to deal with throughout my life.” And I’ve said here, after being on this site for a while, “I’ve always believed we have to rescue kids out of abusive situations. But now I believe that is completely insufficient. We not only have to rescue them out of the abuse, but we need to provide them excellent trauma care as close after the trauma as possible so hopefully they can heal before consequent beliefs and behaviors (that will haunt them for a lifetime) take root.”

I have a 14 and an 19 year-old daughter and when I play this out, we are very close, they have already lived through difficult health issues and know they had to go thru the sometimes painful treatment to get better, and they are girls (and there are differences from boys). I would probably talk to them, speak to the reason and benefit of therapy, and have them do it even if they were resistant - unless they were pursuing justice thru the system.

For your son, it sound like right now the most important thing to your son is getting his power back, clearly putting responsibility on his abuser, and attaining some measure of justice. All of those things are elements of healing from CSA and are a therapy of their own. Another thought: what about talking to him about speaking to someone - for the purpose of processing his feelings and thoughts as things proceed thru the justice system? Tell him he does not have to talk about the abuse and what happened itself (always his choice) - only about the things that are happening in the courts. This would establish a relationship between him and a therapist and he would have the option (his option - always) of talking about the abuse.
 
I am sorry to hear this for you and your son. I also think what @JethroTull wrote is very on point especially in that you can’t forget about yourself or for that matter others in your family such as your wife. I am a big believer in therapy and yes today i can say i wish i had been taking to therapy when i was a teenager but that is based on what i know today. When i was in a deep depression starting around 15yo my mother woudl constantly ask if i was ok, what’s wrong and i would just dismiss her. I think if she had even asked me if i wanted to see a counselor i would have just gotten angry and shut them out even more. So i think it is difficult in trying to make your son go to a counselor but definitely make sure he knows the resource is there when he is ready. I am not sure if he knows about you own past if not thats ok but maybe say you know that things happen in life and counseling can help and do not put it off to where you later wish you had gone sooner.

As for yourself like Jethro said you need to be sure to check on yourself. Do you currently see a counselor if not have you and maybe you might need to go see them. Maybe by you and or your wife seeing one might make your son think about it more. I know i had a lot of internal stigmatizing over seeing one as i felt others would see me as weak or flawed. I think a lot of people feel that way especially a teenaged boy.

Please take care of yourself so you can help take care of your family.
 
You are a wonderful Mom. He will be that much better off because of the love & support available.

if I may? I did not read others posts so, I hope I don't repeat. Your son will need to do some of this on his own and on his own time. Those two are very different things and also extremely different for every individual. Do not grow tired of trying, where there is a will there is a way. That is what I believe. He may not know how to express himself just yet. This will come in time and as he has other experiences.

I wish my family knew about my abuse. I told my mom as a teenager but kept it secret as to how many times, and what happened. I was tortured... and this embarrassed me, the shame was something that I decided to bury and only my mom was the one that knew. I made her swear and promise to never tell anyone, and she kept that promise. I wish she had though because I made myself small and kept it all inside.

My point is that being there for him is amazing. It may need to change over time and you might not know what to do. I have so much faith that you will succeed though. I cannot thank you enough for posting and for seeking advice elsewhere.

Keep in mind, he will take on cues and learn how to deal with this by 'how his family deals with little to extreme experiences'. Do your best to heal your self, and then you can make space to be a healer for him. This is just what i've come to read and know in my life. Your intuition as a Mother will always be the best guide.

I hope that wasn't preachy. I'm seriously just trying to avoid my own emotions at this time. tThis week as its been overwhelming.

Best of luck, best wishes and when in doubt--hug it out! Haha

Thank you,
CT
 
I have been reading through your posts, and your words have been so helpful. We are in the early stages of supporting my 16-year-old son. Sadly we are learning of abuse that started when he was 14. He either forgets, doesn't want to talk about or gives vague details. He has been brave to speak to the police and we are taking each day at a time as an investigation moves forward. @Lava now that you are months since this post, any key learnings or experiences you can share with me?
All the best,
a learning and loving parent
 
Mum said:
I have been reading through your posts, and your words have been so helpful. We are in the early stages of supporting my 16-year-old son. Sadly we are learning of abuse that started when he was 14. He either forgets, doesn't want to talk about or gives vague details. He has been brave to speak to the police and we are taking each day at a time as an investigation moves forward. @Lava now that you are months since this post, any key learnings or experiences you can share with me?
All the best,
a learning and loving parent
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I’m so sorry that your family is going through this! My son is also very vague about details and I think he felt that he needed to protect me from the details in some way? He’s always been a private individual though, so it could be just his nature.

I did back off on pushing him into counseling. As much as it pains me, I just can’t walk this path for him; it is his path. I can walk beside him and provide love, support, and encouragement - and the occasional input on which direction he should go - but backing off and letting him lead has been the best thing so far.

We didn’t get the justice we were hoping for and that was a huge disappointment. She only got a 22 month sentence. That felt like a slap in the face.

I really don’t know if I can give any words of wisdom as every situation is so unique and is going to have its own challenges and victories. I also don’t want to give any generic platitudes because they don’t help at all. What we can do is love our kids through this process and hope that the rest will fall into place. I’d also love to be able to say not to blame yourself and yet I can’t take my own advice on that. I don’t know if I ever will be able to, so I try to be gentle with myself in that regard.

It’s a terrible thing our kids have gone through, and it is a grieving process for all who are involved. You and your son will be in my thoughts and I hope for the absolute best for both of you!

One thing that I did learn from my own counseling is how important physical activity is for the young brain to process trauma, especially for those kids who aren’t willing or able to open up with words. Working with the school to get my son into PE, martial arts, and a few other physically active classes made a huge positive impact for him.
 
She only got a 22 month sentence
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Lava, well done to you both. The result may not be as long as you both had hoped, but it is still a vindication, and testament to your sons strength and resilience. A signal to all abuser they will be caught, their victims will regain their power. A message to their victims and all victims, what is happening to them is wrong, and they can reclaim a little of what was taken. If as a victim they speak up they will be heard. She may only be serving 22 months, but another take away is, she will also alway be a convicted child abuser and that will protect other children from her.

You're doing a great job and with your young man, and he is a Hero. Thank you for you continued to provide input here and this update. We are still walking along side you if you need us, although I know you are one bad ass mom😃😃

Stay mindful.
 
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Hi Mum ...

I have been reading through the discussions here and nowhere is mentioned a point of considerable importance.
I'll talk about myself.

1000 years ago I was 14 ... and "little Sharky" ruled my life.
He stood to attention when he wanted, where he wanted, and often God know's why he wanted.
You guys know what I'm talking about ... and I suspect you do too Mum.
It's hardly a secret.

I don't know but chances are "little son" responded whether "big son" wanted to or not ...
and this could be the crux that keeps him from talking about it.
Embarrassment ... probably loaded with a hefty dose of guilt.
It's impossible for him to talk about it without implicating himself as having cooperated.

This is why he needs somebody completely removed from the situation.
A therapist.
Somebody he knows has to keep his mouth shut and nobody will ever know what he tells him/her ...
until perhaps he feels like sharing with others.
I'll go out on a limb here and suggest if possible a him.
A him will know instinctively what your son will talk about ... whereas a her will only know what she has learned.
Call me a sexist if you wish ... I don't care ... I only care about your son.

He's 16 and this may have already happened and I hope it has.
I hope somebody else who's here and in a similar situation gets something from what I've said.

You're a great Mum for doing everything you can to help and support your son ... and I'm glad you're mindful of his boundaries.
I hope all goes well for him ... and for you.

Big Sharky
 
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Lava said:
I’m so sorry that your family is going through this! My son is also very vague about details and I think he felt that he needed to protect me from the details in some way? He’s always been a private individual though, so it could be just his nature.

I did back off on pushing him into counseling. As much as it pains me, I just can’t walk this path for him; it is his path. I can walk beside him and provide love, support, and encouragement - and the occasional input on which direction he should go - but backing off and letting him lead has been the best thing so far.

We didn’t get the justice we were hoping for and that was a huge disappointment. She only got a 22 month sentence. That felt like a slap in the face.

I really don’t know if I can give any words of wisdom as every situation is so unique and is going to have its own challenges and victories. I also don’t want to give any generic platitudes because they don’t help at all. What we can do is love our kids through this process and hope that the rest will fall into place. I’d also love to be able to say not to blame yourself and yet I can’t take my own advice on that. I don’t know if I ever will be able to, so I try to be gentle with myself in that regard.

It’s a terrible thing our kids have gone through, and it is a grieving process for all who are involved. You and your son will be in my thoughts and I hope for the absolute best for both of you!

One thing that I did learn from my own counseling is how important physical activity is for the young brain to process trauma, especially for those kids who aren’t willing or able to open up with words. Working with the school to get my son into PE, martial arts, and a few other physically active classes made a huge positive impact for him.
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Thanks for sharing. I am finding physical activity so challenging even for myself and such a good reminder for me to have positive outside activities with no pressure. I don’t want to tell him what to do but rather show him.
 
Lava said:
I’m so sorry that your family is going through this! My son is also very vague about details and I think he felt that he needed to protect me from the details in some way? He’s always been a private individual though, so it could be just his nature.

I did back off on pushing him into counseling. As much as it pains me, I just can’t walk this path for him; it is his path. I can walk beside him and provide love, support, and encouragement - and the occasional input on which direction he should go - but backing off and letting him lead has been the best thing so far.

We didn’t get the justice we were hoping for and that was a huge disappointment. She only got a 22 month sentence. That felt like a slap in the face.

I really don’t know if I can give any words of wisdom as every situation is so unique and is going to have its own challenges and victories. I also don’t want to give any generic platitudes because they don’t help at all. What we can do is love our kids through this process and hope that the rest will fall into place. I’d also love to be able to say not to blame yourself and yet I can’t take my own advice on that. I don’t know if I ever will be able to, so I try to be gentle with myself in that regard.

It’s a terrible thing our kids have gone through, and it is a grieving process for all who are involved. You and your son will be in my thoughts and I hope for the absolute best for both of you!

One thing that I did learn from my own counseling is how important physical activity is for the young brain to process trauma, especially for those kids who aren’t willing or able to open up with words. Working with the school to get my son into PE, martial arts, and a few other physically active classes made a huge positive impact for him.
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Also I am so sorry to hear that the sentence was a slap in the face. I hear you on the grieving and I wish you hope and moments of peace in the grief.
 
Shyshark said:
Hi Mum ...

I have been reading through the discussions here and nowhere is mentioned a point of considerable importance.
I'll talk about myself.

1000 years ago I was 14 ... and "little Sharky" ruled my life.
He stood to attention when he wanted, where he wanted, and often God know's why he wanted.
You guys know what I'm talking about ... and I suspect you do too Mum.
It's hardly a secret.

I don't know but chances are "little son" responded whether "big son" wanted to or not ...
and this could be the crux that keeps him from talking about it.
Embarrassment ... probably loaded with a hefty dose of guilt.
It's impossible for him to talk about it without implicating himself as having cooperated.

This is why he needs somebody completely removed from the situation.
A therapist.
Somebody he knows has to keep his mouth shut and nobody will ever know what he tells him/her ...
until perhaps he feels like sharing with others.
I'll go out on a limb here and suggest if possible a him.
A him will know instinctively what your son will talk about ... whereas a her will only know what she has learned.
Call me a sexist if you wish ... I don't care ... I only care about your son.

He's 16 and this may have already happened and I hope it has.
I hope somebody else who's here and in a similar situation gets something from what I've said.

You're a great Mum for doing everything you can to help and support your son ... and I'm glad you're mindful of his boundaries.
I hope all goes well for him ... and for you.

Big Sharky
Click to expand...
Thank you for your kind words. I actually got a lot from what you wrote and have struggled to find my own words to reply. It’s been a tough week and cohesive thoughts are alluding me! I totally know what you are describing and am hoping my son will in time open up to a therapist.
Thanks also for doing the hard work to heal and grow and for being kind enough to message me.
 
Hi Mum ...

I'm glad you got something from my comments.
Just rereading what I wrote I see that I left out an important sentence ...

after ... "It's impossible for him to talk about it without implicating himself as having cooperated"
should have been followed with ... "Worse yet that he enjoyed it." (if he did)

He's still just a boy ... as he matures and the embarrassment factor eases it will be easier for him to talk.
The hardest part for you is patience ... and to accept that perhaps he may never want to talk to you about it.
You are his Mom ... it wouldn't be easy for him if not impossible.

Nobody ever said ... "Parenting is easy".
Be well.
 
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Hi Lava ...

Looks like I screwed up here.
Somehow by the time I got to the bottom of the post I had thought the post was originated by Mum.
I got it all very confused.
I wanted to keep my comments focused specifically on what I thought about such situations and how to support the boy
and not get caught up in the other things like the sentencing ... which was far too lenient. However I imagine she is now on the offenders list.
I never went all the way up to the top of the post until just now and saw my mistake.
I apologize for the error.
 
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@Lava @Mum It makes me feel good that mothers are taking an active role in getting their boys help and supporting them.
 
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