mmmmmm....(wimper)

[JonathanKhonsu]

I feel like screaming and just not stoping. I just keep triggering and I don't know why. I feal so much pain. Last night I had this Human Service banqite to go to (one of my freinds (aquantinices) was being recoginized for graduating. She tuched my sholder blade to sit me and I grabbed on to her arm. It was really embarising. I remember when I was little bracking an older boys hand for the same deal (only he was trying to hurt me).
I try to remember things to fast. I know I push myself too hard. I just whant this nightmere to end. The worst part is some of the memories coming up now predate the camp incident to one of my babysitters brother.

Little peice. I was put on a med for a wile where one of the sideeffects was memory loss. Now that I'm off the med its like I'm reliving my whole life again. It really hurts.

She was fired after a few years because i started crying and waking up in my sleep with nightmeres. They (my parents) thought it was because of scarry movies she would have me see. It (my nightmeres) had more to do with what was happening with her brother during thouse movies.

Its funney prior to lossing my memory all I whanted to do was forget. After I lost my memory all I whanted was to remember. Now, after regaining my memory I'm split.

I remembering seeing a kid once at work and thinking God I was once like that.

It just usually goes like I'm thinking about something semingly unrelated and I drift into all the things...all the stuff. Then I regognize this and try to force my mind out only usually I try too hard and It hurts me.

I once had this really bad day in school:

I'm now in another year of college in a new school (I moved back home) and the nightmeres have returned. We read this easey in the english book about how rape is all mens fault and that the victum deserved it. I triggered big time.

That same day I had a genders class were we had to read all this stuf writtian by female rape victiums and male rapists. I couldn't do it. All my feinds where asking me what was wrong and I couldn't tell them. I was too afraid. I was like this child...weak.

I always try to act so strong around everyone. Strong and silent. Its like an illness. It hurts so much. I keep telling myself I don't need help and if I pretend it didn't happen it can't hurt me. I'm failling at this fascade. I feal like I can't hide anymore. I whant to tell those two freinds that were trying to help me with my paper yet I can't even say anything to my theropist. Everytime I open my mouth nothing comes out. What do I do? Please help.

Heres my other full post that explans stuff better.

Hi,
this is my first post so I'm sorry if I mess up.
I'm not sure where exactly to post this so...

I'm gay. I was assulted when I was 14. I had a group of freinds my first year of college. they were all very feminine I'm not. One day we were talking and they asked me about my first time. I didn't answer so they kept pressing until I told them. There first response was asking if I was sure I was gay. Then I never saw them again. It was wird they just kept avoiding me.

I'm now in another year of college in a new school (I moved back home) and the nightmeres have returned. We read this easey in the english book about how rape is all mens fault and that the victum deserved it. I triggered big time. I'm currently not in treatment though a victums service center has suggested it to me. The first time I seeked help my theropist said that men don't get raped. I've switched theropists since then. My feinds in this school have started to notice I aviod stuff and get very vocal when the topic is on violince and mens violence (I'm in a genders class with them).

Sorry I know that this is fragmented. I just had to finnally let it go someware. thanx.

Thanx guys.
quote:
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Also, not to suggest that you are somehow mistaken about your uality, but if your SA was your first experience with those kinds of feelings can be veery confused. I was fortunate to experience before my SA, and I know the difference. If you need any more help/have questions, reply and I'll be glad to be there.
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I've delt with this question it seams over and over again. Sometimes I see a and think damn she's hot but I know I couldn't have with her. With s it seems like I know I'm suppose to really whant it but in reallity I don't. I don't know if this is making much sence. I have felt stuff for guys all my life even before my SA. Its like theres Zap, where with s there is no Zap. I know this doesn't make much sence and sometimes I'm really confused and sometimes It seems all that simple. I also started a S/G alliance in school so that makes things even tougher. Its ok(not nessesaraly acceptible) in my family to be gay but to be Bi is totally uncool in my family, especially if I choose to be with a guy wich is what I'm currently looking for.

 

[JonathanKhonsu]

Todays going better. I just had to get myself out of the house and keep myself occupyed.

I'm beeter then I was before. I don't know the exact quote.

I thought about deleating this topic. I think I ma whant it moved to I think a less trafficed place. It showes me as weak and I don't like showing that side of me. I do know though that there are a few areas of thos post that could start up a interesting and possibly benifical disscusion.

 

[Marc]

I also started a S/G alliance in school so that makes things even tougher.

WOW!!! That's quite an accomplishment and it takes a lot of guts! Have we really come this far?

I wanted to start out on a really positive note with you Jonathan and so I started at the end of your post.

I know I push myself too hard. I just whant this nightmere to end.

I so know this feeling and behavior ONLY too well. But crap is still crap. It took years to build this behavior and thinking around us and it's going to take a lonnnnng while to bring it back down...

Analogy:

A building is being built. Every day, men and women come to the building to lay the foundation (pour the concrete), lay the bricks and the steel etc... til one day it becomes a completed 25 story bldg. Lot's of sweat and man hours in this bldg. It takes a few years to complete. Just before they are ready to start renting space, the foreman looks it all over and he finds it seems to be leaning a little off center. He looks all around the bldg, inside and out and finds on the west wall, there is a slight cave in the design. He is able to track the problem to a block being mis-aligned near the bottom,

"No one can move in yet! This bldg is unsafe, we need to rebuild an entire section of it.", he says.

And so, from the top of that bldg down to that block they need to remove everything and rebuild. Someone suggests bringing the whole bldg down so they can get started rebuilding quicker,

"It's not a total loss though!." said the foreman. It's just this wall.".

Someone else says, "Let's use dynamite!" That way we can rebuild this wall quicker!".

The foreman says, " What? And risk destroying it? Ruining the foundation which is perfectly ok? For the sake of time? Nope we need to tear it down block by block and then rebuild it with a little more attention to the detail. That's all."

Jonathan,

Let's get to work!

 

[Wuamei]

I thought about deleating this topic. I think I ma whant it moved to I think a less trafficed place. It showes me as weak and I don't like showing that side of me.

No Jonathan I'm glad you're leaving it here. Showing our weakness is a way of showing our strength. Our strengths are often the flip sides of our weaknesses. So as Marc says let's get to work--at flipping our weaknesses into strengths!
And believe me I'm speaking to myself here!

Victor