Mixed up memories *triggers*

Healing light

Registrant
I had this really vivid flashback earlier and a series of muddled up memories in no order really
I have no idea what triggered it as such either

On talking about it with my partner the memories were even more muddled to the point that some of it made no sense at all. Too either of us.

The memories are from around 7- 10 years old and involves an older lad but not a man and the presence of an adult man or the sense of there being someone else with authority
It's not the first time I have had snippets similar to this I have some very clear memories is that age group to though but not of this person or I do and I have not linked the two I find that confusing that these are so hazy when some are clear

I was abused by a number of people but My uncle was convicted of child exploitation I am one of numerous survivors of his abuse its likely this fits in amongst that

The events obviously distressed me at the time and I felt panicked sick and light headed earlier

Since earlier I have felt on edge , vunerable and in need of physical contact weirdly

I wish I could remember more or nothing at all instead of what I do I don't remember the lad at all really just that he was I guess a teenager and big enough to totally over power me and that the somebody else present ( I assume my uncle ) didn't intervine and let him

What makes even less sense is I remember sexual contact around the same age with family members abused alongside me I remember what we used to be instructed to do they were both a bit older than me but not old enough to be that person what they were instructed to do to me and it wasn't the same as this

I feel this massive need to retreat for safety and as a child I would sit with a blanket over my head if my father or uncle punished me they would take away my blankets as it upset me so much as a child made everything ten times worse just by doing that so it was utilised especially by my uncle but my uncle would also utilise it if I was upset and give me one

I don't expect anyone else to make sense of my jibberish but somehow I wanted to make the illogical logical and give some sort of order to my thoughts and feelings

Does other people have these muddled events in amongst clear ones

Are the other events only clearer because my co abused have offered clarity to them and it's not the case with these?
I asked one and he don't remember an older boy at all just to make it stranger

Peace
HL

Peace
HL
 
HL, some of the stuff I've been trying to sort out lately is a lot like what you're dealing with. Vague memories but unable to remember faces or exact timing.

This is all new to me still but the holes get filled in on their own, usually at inconvenient times. I imagine it is similar for everyone.

What you wrote is not jibberish, you are trying to make sense of painful stuff and this is the place for it. It helps me to write these things down too, just to help understand everything. Don't feel bad about it. Like I said, this is literally the place for it.
 

Sprinter

Registrant
have these muddled events in amongst clear ones

Yeah I have those. Some are super muddled; some have evolved into semi-clear ones; some are faint whispers; some are impossible yet true. I think I need to pay attention to the feelings, but it isn't simple to find the feelings.

I appreciate what you wrote.
 
@Healing light
It's not gibberish HL.
I've had a lot of the same feelings and emotions.
Our stories are different. But I get what you are saying. I hear you.

I related a lot to this:

"I wish I could remember more or nothing at all instead of what I do.."
My mind fractured back then, in that room...and trying to put the pieces back together now...it's a mess.

And trying to make the illogical logical as mentioned here:

"I don't expect anyone else to make sense of my jibberish but somehow I wanted to make the illogical logical and give some sort of order to my thoughts and feelings"

It makes sense. I'm a very logical analytical person..even if i don't seem that way sometimes. But I always try to make EVERYTHING black and white. Thats just the way my mind works.

And there is nothing logical to our feelings, emotions, and thoughts...or not to mine anyways.
My memories...some are vivid...some are just flashes...some feel like a movie running in my head...like I'm watching it happen to someone else...some are just blurred images...or whispers...

And it feels like quicksand or sludge to get through and make sense of anything sometimes...

So...know you're not alone...
Just different...but the same..
 

Healing light

Registrant
HL, some of the stuff I've been trying to sort out lately is a lot like what you're dealing with. Vague memories but unable to remember faces or exact timing.

This is all new to me still but the holes get filled in on their own, usually at inconvenient times. I imagine it is similar for everyone.

What you wrote is not jibberish, you are trying to make sense of painful stuff and this is the place for it. It helps me to write these things down too, just to help understand everything. Don't feel bad about it. Like I said, this is literally the place for it.

Thanks I appreciate your post very much

I disclosed 6 years ago but recently I spoke to the police again as I remembered the answer to one of there questions things definitely do seem to resurface at inconvenient times

Yeah I have those. Some are super muddled; some have evolved into semi-clear ones; some are faint whispers; some are impossible yet true. I think I need to pay attention to the feelings, but it isn't simple to find the feelings.

I appreciate what you wrote.

Thank you for sharing I very much appreciate it
It is not simple is it

Wishing you both peace in your healing
HL
 

Healing light

Registrant
@Healing light
It's not gibberish HL.
I've had a lot of the same feelings and emotions.
Our stories are different. But I get what you are saying. I hear you.

I related a lot to this:

"I wish I could remember more or nothing at all instead of what I do.."
My mind fractured back then, in that room...and trying to put the pieces back together now...it's a mess.

And trying to make the illogical logical as mentioned here:

"I don't expect anyone else to make sense of my jibberish but somehow I wanted to make the illogical logical and give some sort of order to my thoughts and feelings"

It makes sense. I'm a very logical analytical person..even if i don't seem that way sometimes. But I always try to make EVERYTHING black and white. Thats just the way my mind works.

And there is nothing logical to our feelings, emotions, and thoughts...or not to mine anyways.
My memories...some are vivid...some are just flashes...some feel like a movie running in my head...like I'm watching it happen to someone else...some are just blurred images...or whispers...

And it feels like quicksand or sludge to get through and make sense of anything sometimes...

So...know you're not alone...
Just different...but the same..
I appreciate your sharing on the post
I'm a very logical thinking person.

I'm glad I posted actually

Normally I sit sending myself round in circles with this one because it's not clear , because I don't know who it was and there's no clarity to truth of events apart from these snippets re occuring not as intensely as today usually my partner noticed ( she has trauma to ) and asked if I wanted to talk so I tryed to tell her , but like she asked me how did I know it wasn't a man , I don't know I just do
she always says trust myself I find trusting my judgement hard

This post has reinforced that I'm not alone I'm grateful

Yes very much like quicksand

Wishing you peace in your healing

HL
 
I had this really vivid flashback earlier and a series of muddled up memories in no order really
I have no idea what triggered it as such either
[....]
Does other people have these muddled events in amongst clear ones

Wow. Just wow.

HL, what you describe is amazingly similar to my own most recent experience of how memories of abuse came back. They started as a set of disjointed fragments, most of which weren't particularly significant on their own, and at least one of which made no sense at all. It was just a random image, the inside of a bathroom stall seen from the floor looking up, dark green stall walls, white building walls, in a particular kind of dim light. One night, though, when I was in that "hang-time" space between being being awake and being asleep, I suddenly remembered the chronological order in which the fragments had occurred. They were all from the start of fifth grade. Age ten. Like you, there was no obvious trigger. I'd been driving on a highway for four and a half hours, and was exhausted by that, but otherwise I can't think of anything.

Lying there in bed, once I had that basic chronology in place, additional disjointed memories came up: images, smells, physical sensations. They were also in no particular order, but it was at least clear that they'd all happened in the bathroom stall. Some were innocuous (the color of the concrete floor, its smoothness, a crack in it, a black u-shaped toilet seat, a dank smell), some disturbingly explicit (I'll skip those here, because triggers). I was pretty worried that those explicit memories might have been incredibly shameful sexual fantasies, but if so, why did they pop up out of the blue all disjointed as fragments? Why alongside all that random locally-specific detail? And why were the feelings associated with them so gut-churning? (My T's response to that doubt: "why don't you want to believe ten-year-old Nick?") As I was talking over these with my T, the additional fragments also started to arrange themselves chronologically. At that point, it was like I'd broken the dam. For the next week or so, more details rushed in until I became aware of what had happened in considerable detail. It was...really uncomfortable. It's better now, though, to the point where I'm grateful to have finally gotten this thing out of the dark.

For me this whole experience is kind of ironic, because putting things in chronological order has been one of my hobbies (not to say obsessions) since the time of my abuse (8-10 years old). I used to collect coins, which is essentially a way of wallowing in chronology for its own sake. I still take out my old childhood coin book and look it over sometimes when I'm feeling stressed. Turban head half dollar with un-reeded edge comes before turban head with reeded edge, comes before liberty seated, comes before liberty seated with arrows by the date, comes before Liberty Seated without arrows but with motto on the reverse, comes before the Barber half, comes before the St. Gaudens half, comes before the Franklin half, comes before the silver Kennedy, comes before the bi-metal Kennedy. Makes me feel calm right away.

On top of that, one of the primary tasks of the job I've been in for the last 20+ years is, yes, analyzing events by putting them in chronological order. As a result, I know that chronology is in fact an extremely powerful lever for getting at reality. Once you know the sequence in which a set of events happened, it becomes possible to understand how they might be related by cause and effect. Knowing the cause and effect connections, in turn, lets you get a clearer sense of why events happened, what they meant at the time they occurred, and what the consequences of their having happened have been.

Despite all of that, I didn't manage to put these memories in sequence until three weeks ago. Go figure. My T says that the mind reveals this kind of thing when it recognizes that you're ready to handle it. That makes considerable sense to me. It certainly matches my experience. Before the breakdown I had last year and the recovery work that followed it, I would have been completely unable to process what I now recognize to have been my experience as a kid. At the same time, though, that ongoing fascination with chronology tells me that some part of me was desperately aware of a missing piece -- a "key coin," as the collectors say.

It's certainly true that finally having this gap filled has caused everything that came after to make sense in a new way. I used to think the intense hunger for chronology that I've felt for most of my life was linked to a fear of death. Putting things in order of occurrence is, after all, a way of mastering time. I've read a lot of Freud in my life (fat lot of good it did me!), and it had always been my sense that if I were on his couch, that's how he would have explained it. Thing is, I'm not sure I actually have an excessive fear of death. Yes, I fear how I will die, but not so much the fact of dying itself. Now I can recognize that the motive force for my chronology obsession was something else: a sense of lack, some kind of nagging, deep-down awareness that there was a crucial piece of the story, one that would end up changing the meaning of literally every other episode that happened after it, that was missing, that my mind had hidden away on an emergency basis in order to keep me functional, but that in its absence was generating a whole host of other problems.

On that basis, I'd cautiously suggest what my T recommended to me: don't force it or anything, just surrender and let things coalesce on their own time. My guess on the basis of my own experience is that they will arrange themselves eventually, and when they do, you'll be ready.
 
Last edited:

John67

Registrant
HL,
Muddled memories among things that I remember clear as a bell have been rough since I've been in recovery. There are people that I have no memory of (a priest who was in my parish for the entire time I was an altar boy) and some bits of memory that make so little sense I wonder if they happened.

As some other have mentioned I've been going with my therapist's advice, journaling around the things that are muddled, trying to put them in the right times with the right people, and working on my fears around what I'm afraid I might remember eventually.

You're definitely not alone!
 

Healing light

Registrant
Wow. Just wow.

HL, what you describe is amazingly similar to my own most recent experience of how memories of abuse came back. They started as a set of disjointed fragments, most of which weren't particularly significant on their own, and at least one of which made no sense at all. It was just a random image, the inside of a bathroom stall seen from the floor looking up, dark green stall walls, white building walls, in a particular kind of dim light. One night, though, when I was in that "hang-time" space between being being awake and being asleep, I suddenly remembered the chronological order in which the fragments had occurred. Like you, there was no obvious trigger. I'd been driving on a highway for four and a half hours, and was exhausted by that, but otherwise I can't think of anything.

Lying there in bed, once I had that basic chronology in place, a bunch of additional disjointed memories came up: images, smells, physical sensations. They were also in no particular order, but it was at least clear that they'd all happened in the bathroom stall. Some were innocuous (the color of the concrete floor, its smoothness, a crack in it, a black u-shaped toilet seat, a dank smell), some disturbingly explicit (I'll skip those here, because triggers). I was pretty worried that those explicit memories might have been incredibly shameful sexual fantasies, but if so, why did they pop up out of the blue all disjointed as fragments, and why alongside all that random locally-specific detail? (My T's response to that doubt: "why don't you want to believe ten-year-old Nick?") As I was talking over these with my T, the fragments started to arrange themselves chronologically. At that point, it was like I'd broken the dam. For the next week or so, more details rushed in until I became aware of what had happened in considerable detail. It was...really uncomfortable. It's better now, though, to the point where I'm grateful to have finally gotten this thing out of the dark.

For me this whole experience is kind of ironic, because putting things in chronological order has been one of my hobbies (not to say obsessions?) since I was a kid. I used to collect coins, which is essentially a way of wallowing in chronology for its own sake. I still take out my old childhood coin books and look them over sometimes when I'm feeling stressed. Turban head half dollar with un-reeded edge comes before turban head with reeded edge, comes before liberty seated, comes before liberty seated with arrows by the date, comes before Liberty Seated without arrows but with motto on the reverse, comes before the Barber half, comes before the St. Gaudens half, comes before the Franklin half, comes before the silver Kennedy, comes before the bi-metal Kennedy. Makes me feel calm right away.

On top of that, one of the primary tasks of the job I've been in for the last 20+ years is, yes, analyzing events by putting them in chronological order. As a result, I know that chronology is in fact an extremely powerful lever for getting at reality. Once you know the sequence in which a set of events happened, it becomes possible to understand how they might be related by cause and effect. Knowing the cause and effect connections, in turn, lets you get a clearer sense of why events happened, what they meant at the time they occurred, and what the consequences of their having happened have been.

Despite all of that, I didn't manage to put these memories in sequence until three weeks ago. Go figure. My T says that the mind reveals this kind of thing when it recognizes that you're ready to handle it. That makes considerable sense to me. It certainly matches my experience. Before the breakdown I had last year and the recovery work that followed it, I would have been completely unable to process what I now recognize to have been my experience as a kid. At the same time, though, that ongoing fascination with chronology tells me that some part of me was desperately aware of a missing piece -- a "key coin," as the collectors say. It's certainly true that having the piece I have now has caused everything that came after to make sense in a new way.

On that basis, I'd cautiously suggest what my T recommended to me: don't force it or anything, just surrender and let things coalesce on their own time. My guess on the basis of my own experience is that they will arrange themselves eventually, and when they do, you'll be ready.

Thanks I appreciate your post and you sharing

HL,
Muddled memories among things that I remember clear as a bell have been rough since I've been in recovery. There are people that I have no memory of (a priest who was in my parish for the entire time I was an altar boy) and some bits of memory that make so little sense I wonder if they happened.

As some other have mentioned I've been going with my therapist's advice, journaling around the things that are muddled, trying to put them in the right times with the right people, and working on my fears around what I'm afraid I might remember eventually.

You're definitely not alone!
Thanks you I appreciate your post


Before I disclosed I did remember I was abused as a child I didn't really talk about it because I was still abused and coersively controlled by my cousin and family until I disclosed to police when I was in my late 20's
I didn't remember this though and other stuff buried deep down not until I was in therapy

I think I'm afraid of these memories I'm not sure I will ever remember properly it's been years
I also think it's so strange that I shut this off yet remember other extremely traumatic things like it was yesterday that were more physically and mentally impactive it seems

I'm think now the trigger was either therapy or a conversation with my brother

I think I will email my therapist

Thanks everyone for the supportive posts

Peace
HL
 

Healing light

Registrant
Triggers ********





I wasn't groomed to see sexual contact as negative or nudity , myself and my co abused still have boundary issues by normal social standards eg, the fact he would kiss my forehead and I don't care if he does was raised by both our significant others. The fact we don't give each other personal space that generally adults give each other but we don't and it has to be brought to our attention even though we give other people a wide berth just not each other
What are uncle done was sick

This memory I wasn't ok with any of it what the older boy was doing memories I have with my co abused I wasn't offended by there sexual advances especially close to one of them

Im still limited in what I can share because of the bigger picture it's not just my journey , my story but other survivors too

I think it's more comfortable to sit with the memories I have that's clear and precise , there very painful but there very truthful I know what I'm dealing with

My uncle died whilst in prison , my cousin who abused me after is still serving his sentence , he tends to get my anger maybe because he is still around , still a threat , still there in the back ground
Whereas my uncle I cryed when he died backwards I know but I did also my paternal family vilified my uncle and treat my cousin as a victim and he's bloody not he's evil

It's better to get all this stuff out so I can focus myself on the here and now like I very much need to

Thanks for the support
Wishing everyone peace in there healing and searching for my own

HL
 
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