Mixed Emotions

Mixed Emotions
Z

zookeeper

Registrant
I had a doctors appointment yesterday and, in a move rather new to me, didnt lie about the scars on my body. Told the doc "I grew up in hell. These are scars from abuse". The woman got quiet for a second and said "You are very brave. And I am so sorry". Im not sure how I feel right now, but I have determined to never lie about my wounds and scars again. Since they are still visible after all these years, they have a right to have their story told.
Zookeeper
 
Zookeeper

That great news and you showed courage as well as being in control of your life. I too will no longer hide the past.

I am happy for you.

Kevin
 
Zoo, I think that’s a great move. You are a strong man. Doctors, especially, should know that your life is real. Be proud of yourself for allowing yourself to be truthful.

The last time the nurse pulled the curtain and said, "Put this on," I didn’t. When my doctor came in, I told him I won’t do that, that I was sexually abused, and please put a note to that effect in my file so this doesn’t come up again. He said it is always my choice. However, he wouldn’t put it in my file--like that would be a bad thing or something? What could possibly be damaging to me to have "victim of sexual abuse" in my file?? I now go to a different doctor who is about the most empathetic and understanding man in the medical profession I have ever met.

You are an encouragement to me, my brother. Thank you for posting this.
 
Thanks guys, I guess Im just tired of carrying water for them. Im tired of lying to cover their sins. They always told me what to say when I had to have wounds treated. But im not doing it any longer.
Thank for the encouragement. A year ago I would still have told the same old stories to explain them away. I guess I can count it as a small step forward.

Thanks guys
ZK-Brian
 
I did suffer a lot of violence growing up but he was careful that nothing showed unless he screwed up .. About a year ago when I first admited the abuse to myself , I was scared that it was written all over me .. Then I went through a phase ( of which I still am to a degree ) of almost bravado . I wanted to get a blue ribbon tattoo to say this is me and I am a survivor . My wife didn't want me to get one and at the time I felt like she was saying she was ashamed , and to a degree she at first may have been . Not as a mean person , in hindsight , but didn't want To think about it,, But I encounter a lot of patients who are survivors and ' confess' to me . I almost want to tell them , I as well , but I don't. It's been drummed into us not to disclose and don't want to highlight my experience . However , it is hard .
 
Thats got to be tough job to do. And you are right, I had almost as much mental abuse as the sexual and physical. Its no wonder Im bat crap crazy.

But I know you treated your patients well. And for that let me say thank you for all of us!
ZK
 
I also had a negative experience with a doctor. I wrote to tell him of my history. The last time I had been to him for a physical he had left me in the gown for about 45 minutes in a room alone...it was before I started the healing process..was traumatic..he put the responsibility on me.."well, if its taking a long time, get up and walk around" I wanted to be listened to and acknowledged. Not listening could mean I could be triggered into a major anxiety attack (which I was having before the next time's exam) and who knows..might have to be taken out in an ambulance..
I interviewed my next doctor!
If you were bat crap crazy you would not be able to acknowledge what happened to you was wrong. My therapist said to me I wasn't fearful just confused. I think that confusion comes from being in the middle of people who I expected to be trustworthy and weren't..hard to admit it was unsafe.
I am glad you found someone who could be a witness and could affirm it, without fear.
 
Thanks PR. One of the issues T is pushing me on is self depreciation. I guess we have more work to do. So, you are right-no bat crap here!
Im you found a doc that works for you. And thanks for the encouragement.
ZK
 
Hey, guys......look at us ! Telling our stories, being brave, letting others who need to know just what happened. "bat crap crazy" or not, its the truth and we're here to tell it. Others don't want us to say something because they're the ones caught up in the lies, and dragged us along. Well, no longer. We have wounded hearts and that all takes time to heal, whatever that healing looks like for us. I have just read in the above postings just what that really does look like - brave men - not boys - telling their story and standing up for themselves. My T recommended a book which I recently purchased - its called "The Hero With A Thousand Faces" - its mainly about heroes in different story lines through the centuries in vastly different cultures. Suffice it to say the idea was from my T is that I - we - are heroes. Pretty cool.
 
WG, thank you (and the T) for the rec. And honestly, the bat crap crazy line only referred to me. And I don't think you guys know it, but I have looked up to you all as heroes since the day I logged onto this site. You guys (all of you) are absolutely amazing! Quoting my favorite line from Monty Python's "Life of Brian"......."Hey,I'm not dead yet!"
Love you guys
B
 
Last edited by a moderator:
You're most welcome, zoo. We are all learning how to be what we were meant to be in the first place but it all got derailed a long while back......that's right "I'm not dead yet!"
 
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