misused time/nice realization
Hi Guys--
I haven't been here in a while, but I had a strangely dark, strangely liberating thought the other night that I thought I should share.
Here's the dark part:
I was lying half asleep and thinking about goals and directions for the future when I got tears in my eyes and began to think about time.
When I look back at my childhood I see a very bright light that was zooming ahead, then suddenly, like a bird hitting a glass wall, the light spiralled down and began to circle and circle and circle. I circled for a long time, many years, not really knowing how to move forward, and I mean in every way...how to move forward with my work, my relationships...it was as if I was stopped somehow, unable to focus long enough to make anything happen. That's what I mean by wasted time. Circling and picking at myself "Why can't you do this, or that? Why do you do this, or that? Why can't you...etc." Yuck! Ugly censorious nonsense...and not from my heart at all. Waste. Fifteen years at least of flailing and maintaining appearances before dealing with the worst of it all.
Now I think I'm over the bitterness about having been abused. I've got friends and good people around me, and I feel whole. I've recognized my dad as not a monster but a very sad guy who was overcome by some darkness inside that he regretted forever.
I thought that was the end! That there wouldn't be any more to deal with!...and now I think of the time taken from me or if not taken at least warped out of its proper shape. It's a bitter pill to swallow.
OK That was the dark part...here's the strangely relieving part of this little revelation:
But then, on the other hand there's the fact of mortality. I look ahead and think "OK! that was a lot of time! Fifteen years I'll never have back...GRRRRRR!!!!!!!....but how many years do I have left?" And if I only have so many years, I better not waste them railing against pain in the past. It's all pragmatic....been there, done that, move on.
And for once the fact of mortality is comforting. Suddenly I look at all the time ahead and realize its empty and free and ready to be filled by me. It belongs to me. It's mine. And it's infinitely precious, a fast diminishing most vital thing ever.
Then instead of looking at the past and blaming my dad for the loss, I cry a little about it and make some plans for the days ahead, and the months ahead, and the years (I hope many!) that are all mine.
So much of healing is about reclaiming, isn't it? Nice to realize that we own our time. And if we own our time, we own our lives. They're ours, and no one can take them away.
People might warp someone, no doubt that's the most painful part.
But once we realize that influence was external, not of our inner selves, we can let it go. And then the rest of the time is free. It ours to do with as WE choose.
That understanding made me suddenly very happy.
Danny
I haven't been here in a while, but I had a strangely dark, strangely liberating thought the other night that I thought I should share.
Here's the dark part:
I was lying half asleep and thinking about goals and directions for the future when I got tears in my eyes and began to think about time.
When I look back at my childhood I see a very bright light that was zooming ahead, then suddenly, like a bird hitting a glass wall, the light spiralled down and began to circle and circle and circle. I circled for a long time, many years, not really knowing how to move forward, and I mean in every way...how to move forward with my work, my relationships...it was as if I was stopped somehow, unable to focus long enough to make anything happen. That's what I mean by wasted time. Circling and picking at myself "Why can't you do this, or that? Why do you do this, or that? Why can't you...etc." Yuck! Ugly censorious nonsense...and not from my heart at all. Waste. Fifteen years at least of flailing and maintaining appearances before dealing with the worst of it all.
Now I think I'm over the bitterness about having been abused. I've got friends and good people around me, and I feel whole. I've recognized my dad as not a monster but a very sad guy who was overcome by some darkness inside that he regretted forever.
I thought that was the end! That there wouldn't be any more to deal with!...and now I think of the time taken from me or if not taken at least warped out of its proper shape. It's a bitter pill to swallow.
OK That was the dark part...here's the strangely relieving part of this little revelation:
But then, on the other hand there's the fact of mortality. I look ahead and think "OK! that was a lot of time! Fifteen years I'll never have back...GRRRRRR!!!!!!!....but how many years do I have left?" And if I only have so many years, I better not waste them railing against pain in the past. It's all pragmatic....been there, done that, move on.
And for once the fact of mortality is comforting. Suddenly I look at all the time ahead and realize its empty and free and ready to be filled by me. It belongs to me. It's mine. And it's infinitely precious, a fast diminishing most vital thing ever.
Then instead of looking at the past and blaming my dad for the loss, I cry a little about it and make some plans for the days ahead, and the months ahead, and the years (I hope many!) that are all mine.
So much of healing is about reclaiming, isn't it? Nice to realize that we own our time. And if we own our time, we own our lives. They're ours, and no one can take them away.
People might warp someone, no doubt that's the most painful part.
But once we realize that influence was external, not of our inner selves, we can let it go. And then the rest of the time is free. It ours to do with as WE choose.
That understanding made me suddenly very happy.
Danny
