missed my life ---,by that much!!
if this post belongs somewhere please feel free to move it ,i have found out that a normal life just missed me by inches ,and that my grandmother has suffered for years over me!i feel so bad,so guilty ,no one should ever feel bad because of what happened to me .if only i had known how she felt ,if only i had talked to her about what happened to me ,but we never spoke of it and now it's too late she is gone!she left me a letter to be given to me at her death in a safe deposit box ,i have read it and i am crying for somebody besides myself for the first time ,why don't we tell people how we feel ,what are we afraid of ,if i had known how she felt i could have told her it was ok ,i could have told her i didn't blame her ,i could have told her she meant everything to me ,instead she went to her grave feeling guilty damn this sucks!! i'm going to write what she wrote in the hope that if someone reads it they can make peace with those in their lives who are affected by our abuse .this is long but i think it needs to be written ,maybe we can all learn from it and maybe somebody can tell me how to say it's ok gran don't feel bad . my dearest adam this letter is my feeble attempt to explain some things i'm sure have been bothering you for a long time,i'm writing this in the hope that you will someday forgive me for being a scared old women who didn't have the courage to step in and help you when you needed it most .i wouldn't blame you if you hated me along with the rest of the family . i know you don't remember but i was there on the first day when you testified in court .to see that beautifull little boy sitting up there telling the horrible things he had suffered ,being bullied by attorneys ,ashamed to hold his head up was more than i could take .when you were put in foster care i tried to get custody and kept up with your life .i wrote many letters ,but most were returned because you were never in one home long enough ,when i asked why i was told that you had gotten in trouble at school for fighting or trouble with the foster families you ran away at least 5 times that first year i was told you were a kid who meant trouble and it was not safe for me to take you in like an old fool i believed them and i won't forgive myself for letting you down you were a gift to uor family and you were used and thrown out like yesterdays trash. i just felt helpless to help you .ther are two times when we are helpless ,when we are very young as you were when you were hurt and when we are very old as i was when you needed someone strong to take care of you please don't try to understand why your cousin hurt you or why your father abandoned you ,i am ashamed to call them my family i feel that i also failed you and i'm sure god will not be pleased with me ,i let my fear keep me from the one person in this family who deserved all i could have done to bring you home i pray that someday you might forgive a frightened ,foolish old women who thought of you each day .it has been 3 weeks since that little boy came back into my life as a handsome young man with a good and kind heart,who has not once even asked ,gran why couldn't i have lived with you ?or gran why did you let me down ?you opened your heart to an old women who was abandoned to die alone by the same family that abandoned you. we never talked about what happened between being the little boy and growing into the young man for that i thank you maybe i can keep believing you were better off in foster care .adam i am writing this because i could never look you in the eyes and ask forgivness .i don't deserve the time you have spent sitting at my bedside listening to an old women ramble on .i feel that god sent back to me so i could see just what i missed by being to frightened to share your life .i am still scared ,scared you will look in my eyse and ask me why ,why didn't anybody love me gran? i do love you adam more than you can know .i know it's too late and i will answer to god for failing you ,if you are reading this i am already with god and i know my possesions are a small comfort compared to wht you have lost .adam you made my last years a joy ,you came to me when death was my only hope to escape from my shame and guilt ,yet you never accused me of anything ,i only wish i had the courage to tell you this myself ,adam my darling little boy my handsome young man can you find it in your heart to forgive a crazy old women ? how can i tell her now that it's ok ,not her fault ,there is nothing to forgive her for . guess i just missed my life by am inch ,if i had been better in foster care she wouldn't have been afraid to take me in .it'smore my fault than hers thanks for listening adam ,crying again for all that we both lost adam
