Mirror and other thoughts

Mirror and other thoughts
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yesac76

Registrant
I just read a post that dealt with looking in a mirror. I try not to look in a mirror. I have to use a mirror to put in my contacts, but other than that, I avoid it like the plague.
I am ashamed at what I have become. I hate my body. I have used food for way too long. I am now trying to get my body close to where it should be. I try to imagine I am lifting weights and building up my cardiovascular system to be able to beat the hell out of my SA. I am not a violent man by nature, but I am using my hatred to good use.
I wish I was still a virgin. I had terrible self esteem in high school, so I never dated or hung out with the 'cool crowd'. After graduation, I decided it was past time for my to have sex. So I went to a party, they are never hard to find, and got drunk. I ended up having sex wiht this woman I do not know. I always wanted to give my virginity to my wife, but at the time I thought I would never be worthy of marriage, so I gave away the most precious thing I had. I went into a deep depression shortly after, not just because of the sex, I also lost my job, and my sexual abuse came at me like a ton of bricks. I am still amazed I survived that period of my life.
I think I just needed to get that off of my chest, in hopes someone else understands the way I am feeling. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
 
You need to fix the way that you think about yourself too. If you don't, you will keep fighting your body. We are all here to help you.
 
Much of what you say, it impacts me. I am very similar to you in the mirror situation. I have avoided them so often, just believing what 'they' have always said, that I am fat and ugly boy. I can rationally know that I am not fat at this time, but I do not know that I could ever look at a picture of myself, or in the mirror, and think 'oh, you are good looking'. I have looked in them more often in the last few months, and it is strange thing to me, each time I see something, and maybe someone, different.

As for the 'sex' thing, well, I still have not done that. I am finally, in recent months, beginning to start feeling those kind of feelings in my body, and realizing that yes, I do think I want to do that. But still have not been able to get past the negative thoughts in my mind of it. I think that your experience can be seen as positive, in that you know what you want. You are not wanting 'sex' really, you are wanting the sexual connection and companionship that comes with relationship. I think the next experience you have, you will put your experience to use, and it will be much better. Try to look beyond the past, and how you can use the past to improve the outcome of today and your future.

Good luck. I wish you well.'

Leosha
 
I hate looking at my body too. I try to especially avoid looking at my face (I have a nasty scar on my cheek from the guy who first raped me).
I'm not too good at giving advice, so the only thing I can say is that I'm sorry for what you're going through and I'll pray for you.
Peace my brother,
Nao
 
I understand what you are saying. I alos use food as a way of coping. I look at myselve now an don't know the person I am looking at.

We all do things sometime we wish later we hadn't done but we need to move on and look to the future.

Take time for yourself and takecare of your self
 
More and more, I see my father in the mirror, looking back at me. Some of that is good, I guess I have been concentrating on the bad. He taught me the food thing...of hiding and stuffing down what I could be talking about and giving up. I passed that on to my daughters. They have done a much better job of dealing with their feelings and living in the now than I have...what is that about children or child shall lead them?
Good luck with your body. Our 92 year old aunt just remarked to her doctor that if she knew that she was going to live so long, she would have taken better care of her body.
Shouldn't we all.
Good string...I needed the reminder.

David
 
My brother,

It's part of the lies you grew up with.

You are a child of the universe and you are beautiful. The content of your character is what matters. Anyone who judges you by looks alone, well, to put it bluntly, f**k 'em!

But remember as well, someone finds you beautiful. You may never meet them, but they do. You are one-of-a-kind, and don't let the lies tell you any different.

You know the truth, and you should say it to yourself every single day. "I'm good looking, I'm a great person, and I am worth knowing."

I struggle with this too, brother. But I'm getting better at realizing how good I am. You will too. It just takes time.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
I can totally empathize with you about poor self image and alot of the other things you mentioned. I too feel unworthy of love/marriage. And it pains, me as I so want love.
I guess objectively I am not sucha bad looking guy, maybe not great looking, but I would say I am probably ok. However I do not think any woman I want will ever want me. It is so hard for me to believe that it is possible.

As far as body image, I feel ok about it I guess. It is just the unworthiness I feel that is an issue.

When I was training my hardest for powerlifting, I could pull 405 from my knees up 10 times in a set. Not world class but certainly not weak. Lifting is the one thing that lifted me out of depression. Seeing that I could be good at something that was hard. I discovered I was strong. It was the best thing I ever discovered about myself.

Now I am totally switching training because I want to join the army and refine myself. I guess the abuse and rejections in life had come to a point last year. Not a deep despair, but more a realization that if I did not do something I would never be the person I want to be or live up to my potential. I also want a challenge in life, and my current work is not a challenge.

The running has helped my self image a bit too. People comment on how much weight I have lost. I am down about 30 pounds from my heaviest. I have busted my ass dieting, which is why I was so dissapointed with myself last week.

I am talking too much about myself, and I know this should be about you. I guess I am trying to show that you are not the only one to have these feelings.

I am still a virgin at almost age 29. Well I guess,I would in no way say I am innocent. I have never gone all the way with a woman. I have had oral sex, but not all the way. In a way I feel my virginity is a load I carry. I wonder if I am keeping it just because of the abuse/other issues. Or if I am just afraid to be intimate with a woman(my abuser was female). I love women, but have had so many painful rejections. I just don't know how to take the first steps with a woman. And all those rejections have made me so gun shy.
 
Self image is a huge issue with us. PTCOP is righ; getting into shape helps. But you have to add the emotional part.

What happened to you was the worst thing that possibly could have. It was never your fault or your shame only the perps. You got drunk and lost your virginity. Well maybe from the physical side but certainly not from the emotional side. Dave (Lloyd) says the sex from the dick is just that. Ah but from the mind (the soul) it is something entirely different. It is the coming together of two people to share each other in the most sensitive way possible. I think therefore that you are still a virgin. When love whacks you on the head good and hard you will form that emotional attachment that is so necessary for MAKING LOVE (Not having Sex for sex's sake)
 
Yesac76 -

A few years ago (well about 5), I had put on quite a bit of weight because my job didn't involve much movement. Someone suggested that I join a gym & tone up. I did.

The result - I lost about 21 pounds and looked the best that I had for a long time (used to play drums in a rock band until I was around 30...8 pack, let alone 6 pack).

Problem was, it was my head that needed to go to the gym not my body......! This site & the people here have been that mental gym for me....perhaps now I can work on the physical appearance again....new way of thinking & new way of looking....I think thats what's called a holistic approach.

Good luck, but remember when you look in the mirror, that there is nothing wrong with what you see...it's you - be proud!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
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