Message to mom. Trigger warning.

I wrote this a few weeks ago but never sent the email to my mom. I want to make some changes but i want to tell her i am sending an email that is meant only for her. Don’t speak a word of it. I want to work i n this message but I honestly dont know if i will ever send it.

Mom,

I feel like I am still this child in speaking to you about things that are about me things I dealt with things that happened. Be it being gay which I struggled with even at 12yo. Other things that occurred with PawPaw. Again I do not hate him and I won’t lie I was ok with it.

I know you found stuff and knew things that I am embarrassed about but thank you for not doing anything to embarrass or make me feel ashamed.

I pulled away from you and everyone as I did not want to disgrace anyone.

I question a lot about my childhood, why I was this scared kid to be away from you. I remember vivid things like the night Bryan and I stayed over in the mobile home with Scott and Jason. Me and Scott being put in diapers by Debbie cause we wet the bed. Me waking up crying to go back to be home with you.

You asked me if something happened in 7th grade yes and no. I was dealing with my sexuality alone confused and lost. Showers were not good something happened and why I had to avoid it all the way though high school. Do not now feel guilt I never shared.

I felt the safest with you. I know I use to tell you how I would marry you as a kid. I hate to admit I as a kid I think I got to close. You made me feel safe and loved. I think now as as I to be an older kid I warped it. I purposely would not take a towel to dry off with so I could ask for you to bring me one then ask you to dry me.

I am ashamed in you knowing about my sexual stuff I was trying to hide. I wish you or dad would have talked to me. I still wonder about the lady talking to Bryan then me finding the phamplets about puberty in his room.

I won’t lie I am mad I had to figure things out on my own. I stole books from the library to deal with my bed wetting then about sex.

I am embarrassed to be almost 50 and just now dealing with stuff. However I want you to know you were the most caring and supportive. I am embarrassed to admit the bathing together, sleeping together was soothing to me and became more.

I know I did things to make you feel ashamed of me. I am sorry for that. I know I was exposed to things at a young age that made me to sexual for my age. There are things I saw from films, pictures and magazines at a young age that probably impacted me yet it was not just me.

This may sound very very bad in your mind but I am accepting to not feel ashamed or regret. I honestly am accepting I can’t hate myself from things in my childhood. I pulled away from you and everyone over my thinking how everyone would hate me for being gay. But there was also I realize now the other part of the sexual things I experienced as a kid. As I said before and I know you probably can’t accept but I don’t hate PawPaw for the things. I know thh mg at is messed up and I have struggled in trying to hate him I have been so angry at myself cause I don’t. I am in a support group and I have had some that tell me I need to hate him even to be mad at you. It has been a huge struggle. However there are the ma y others including my therapist that tells me not to judge myself by what others think.

I know I pulled away from you and everyone as I did not want to disgrace anyone. I felt the more I pushed everyone away the better especially as I started down this path.

There are others things that I just have snippets of memories about however boys don’t tell even as you become an adult. The last thing which is the first thing I tile my therapist I don’t want to be wrong on things. I know there are bits and pieces but I can’t be wrong in anything.

I fear there is a part of me as a kid I twisted. Like you and me bathing then having you dry me off the being older and now knowing you saw things u was trying to hide. I am sorry to have twisted things. Honestly you were the the only kind I felt safe with.


Sent from my iPhone
 

Healing light

Registrant
I wrote this a few weeks ago but never sent the email to my mom. I want to make some changes but i want to tell her i am sending an email that is meant only for her. Don’t speak a word of it. I want to work i n this message but I honestly dont know if i will ever send it.

Mom,

I feel like I am still this child in speaking to you about things that are about me things I dealt with things that happened. Be it being gay which I struggled with even at 12yo. Other things that occurred with PawPaw. Again I do not hate him and I won’t lie I was ok with it.

I know you found stuff and knew things that I am embarrassed about but thank you for not doing anything to embarrass or make me feel ashamed.

I pulled away from you and everyone as I did not want to disgrace anyone.

I question a lot about my childhood, why I was this scared kid to be away from you. I remember vivid things like the night Bryan and I stayed over in the mobile home with Scott and Jason. Me and Scott being put in diapers by Debbie cause we wet the bed. Me waking up crying to go back to be home with you.

You asked me if something happened in 7th grade yes and no. I was dealing with my sexuality alone confused and lost. Showers were not good something happened and why I had to avoid it all the way though high school. Do not now feel guilt I never shared.

I felt the safest with you. I know I use to tell you how I would marry you as a kid. I hate to admit I as a kid I think I got to close. You made me feel safe and loved. I think now as as I to be an older kid I warped it. I purposely would not take a towel to dry off with so I could ask for you to bring me one then ask you to dry me.

I am ashamed in you knowing about my sexual stuff I was trying to hide. I wish you or dad would have talked to me. I still wonder about the lady talking to Bryan then me finding the phamplets about puberty in his room.

I won’t lie I am mad I had to figure things out on my own. I stole books from the library to deal with my bed wetting then about sex.

I am embarrassed to be almost 50 and just now dealing with stuff. However I want you to know you were the most caring and supportive. I am embarrassed to admit the bathing together, sleeping together was soothing to me and became more.

I know I did things to make you feel ashamed of me. I am sorry for that. I know I was exposed to things at a young age that made me to sexual for my age. There are things I saw from films, pictures and magazines at a young age that probably impacted me yet it was not just me.

This may sound very very bad in your mind but I am accepting to not feel ashamed or regret. I honestly am accepting I can’t hate myself from things in my childhood. I pulled away from you and everyone over my thinking how everyone would hate me for being gay. But there was also I realize now the other part of the sexual things I experienced as a kid. As I said before and I know you probably can’t accept but I don’t hate PawPaw for the things. I know thh mg at is messed up and I have struggled in trying to hate him I have been so angry at myself cause I don’t. I am in a support group and I have had some that tell me I need to hate him even to be mad at you. It has been a huge struggle. However there are the ma y others including my therapist that tells me not to judge myself by what others think.

I know I pulled away from you and everyone as I did not want to disgrace anyone. I felt the more I pushed everyone away the better especially as I started down this path.

There are others things that I just have snippets of memories about however boys don’t tell even as you become an adult. The last thing which is the first thing I tile my therapist I don’t want to be wrong on things. I know there are bits and pieces but I can’t be wrong in anything.

I fear there is a part of me as a kid I twisted. Like you and me bathing then having you dry me off the being older and now knowing you saw things u was trying to hide. I am sorry to have twisted things. Honestly you were the the only kind I felt safe with.


Sent from my iPhone

I wanted to say that it takes alot to write these kinds of letters and posts here , i hope that it helps to of written things out

I landed up in counseling with my mum few years back now , shed like us to go for more because there's some unresolved things but talking/writing to my mum has worked out very well for me
My mum though can own her mistakes or her naivitys. And I can own mine I'm aware some parents can't. It's been a long road , a bumpy one at times but I'm glad that I'm on it

My mum was aware that the environment we were raised in wasn't suitable she tried to mitigate it as best she could she did a sterling job of raising younger siblings away from that environment when she looks at her older children and then her younger ones it's glaringly obvious what the difference is.

I could be angry or bitter towards my mum but I'm not I'm really pleased and thankful my younger siblings have a life they deserve , both settled with good jobs , good education. Now there adults there also a huge support to us older ones because there so grounded and caring

I disconnected from my mum for many years on any deep level even now id like to be able to talk to her about my sexuality and spirituality more , maybe I will one day

Were all on individual healing journeys , and I wish you peace in yours

HL
 

Dan99

Registrant
That's a powerful letter. Whether you send it or not, it's brave to just recognize our own feelings and give them substance by writing about them.

I have decided not to discuss my history with my mother. In my case it would do more harm than good, but I do feel better knowing that I have processed the issues and made a conscious decision rather than simply responding to fear and shame.

Send it or not I'd say you owe yourself a pat on the back for going through the process. Take care.
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
You made me cry, I wish I had the wear bouts to be able to write a letter like that and tell my parents how I real felt in life. You have done a greta thing. Keep up the good work.
 
You're a strong man, to have been able to write that. Whether you send it or not doesn't change that fact. Do you have a response in mind if you do send it, what you are expecting from her? That is a concern to me because you can't control her response, and I wouldn't want you to be gutted by how she chooses to respond. So I would think if you send it, send it with no concern over what her response will be, and prepare yourself for anything or nothing.
 
i sent the mail tonight. Pretty much what i posted but corrected grammar and the flow but pretty much the same stuff. I sent it about an hour ago so i figure she won’t see it till tomorrow. I did add at the end to not share it with anyone.

I feel mixed. Part of me feel like i finally shared more serious stuff about me and my childhood. Yet there is a part of me that feels like i shared stuff that will make her see me as a perv. Me saying i was ok with what happened and me saying i got to close to her and stuff. Ironically i am sitting here and thinking it was me that was wrong as a kid in to my teens. It’s that voice telling me you were a teen and got off to things. I feel like in a way thats what i told her and thats what she will think of me.
 
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